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Partners ex wife

(18 Posts)
Shazzasp Thu 05-Oct-17 22:42:10

I've been with my partner for 7 years. He has always got on with his ex wife & don't get me wrong she is really nice, but she's going to be coming to his mums 80th birthday meal & staying at the same hotel. I know that she still phones my partners mum as they used to be close & his mum was devastated when they broke up. But I'm starting to feel apprehensive about the weekend. Am i being over sensitive or does any one else think its weird? His daughters (who are in their twenties) & brother will be there also. I just feel like I'm going to be a spare part.

Cricrichan Thu 05-Oct-17 22:47:59

I understand how you feel but if his mum's a good friend then I also understand why she wants her there and his ex wants to go.

MinervaSaidThat Thu 05-Oct-17 22:57:50

There's a lot of history there, they get on well and she is really nice.

There's no reason why she shouldn't be there.

If someone is deliberately making you feel a spare part, then that's a different issue.

eyebrowsonfleek Thu 05-Oct-17 23:15:21

What’s your relationship with his mum like? Do you feel awkward because her relationship with MIL is stronger?

MsPavlichenko Thu 05-Oct-17 23:23:14

I was really close to my late DMIL. She was one of my best friends, and we kept in touch, socialised and supported each other until her (sadly premature death).

It was nothing to do with my XH. He had/has his own relationship with my family. We are not always invited to every family do, but there is no issue if we are.

Howlongtilldinner Thu 05-Oct-17 23:32:09

It’s understandable you’d feel uncomfortable. When two people are in a relationship, it’s inevitable that family/friends become close too, no reason they shouldn’t be invited.

Do you feel they’ll be comparing you? Do you feel you’re not as good as his ex? I think that’s fairly normal too, but they’re not together, you are with him now, remember that.

Hope it goes ok

CoyoteCafe Fri 06-Oct-17 01:32:14

I think that its very nice that she's coming. I can see why you feel a little awkward, but it is actually a sign of the family being healthy. Just be polite and gracious. The ex wife is a guest of your MIL, not your partner. You aren't a spare part to him. :-)

piglover Fri 06-Oct-17 01:59:52

I wish with all my heart that my parents and my father's second wife had a relationship like yours seem to have. It would have saved me an awful lot of sadness and frustration over the years.

Shazzasp Fri 06-Oct-17 06:58:47

I feel that his mum thinks I'm not good enough. She has often said how wonderful his ex wife was. She's good st cooking & baking. Where I am useless at those things. She is also intelligent where I'm not. I know it probably seems nice that they get on as i hate my ex husband & we don't speak. Also my partner has fallen out with my son so there is alot if tension at the moment. As I'm typing this I realise how silly I sound. Perhaps I need to go back on a self esteem course. Lol.

Buttonmoonisaloon Fri 06-Oct-17 07:02:52

I think this is a side issue to other problems in your relationship.

don't take it personally, elderly people struggle with their children getting divorced. They don't tend to like it as it was such a tabboo in their day.

Cricrichan Fri 06-Oct-17 12:11:56

Well that's very unthoughtful of her to say those things about his ex wife.

Anyway, as much a good cook etc that she was, there was something wrong in their relationship and it didn't last. He's with you now for a reason and I'm sure he could list lots of your attributes and criticise things about her.

Relationships with children are difficult even when you're their parent. Is your partner being unreasonable?

CoyoteCafe Fri 06-Oct-17 12:13:54

I can see why you are struggling to make nice with his extended family at a time when he isn’t putting in the same effort with your son.

Mama234 Fri 06-Oct-17 12:18:29

Wow your mil sounds horrible.
Does your partner know she has said this to you?
No one should make you feel you aren't worthy. I am surprised you make any effort with your mil tbh I wouldnt.

Mama234 Fri 06-Oct-17 12:19:18

Also totally agree with coyotecafe.

yetmorecrap Fri 06-Oct-17 12:22:36

I liked my ex mil enormously but sadly my exh made it clear if I left him I left the family as such, quite sad. Please don't beat yourself up over this, it's far healthier and at the end of the day she may cook well etc, but it didnt work out

Howlongtilldinner Sat 07-Oct-17 00:14:46

I don’t know why people compare ex partners to the current one in their company, it’s insensitive, nobody likes being compared.

It’s no wonder you feel the way you do, don’t know if I’d be brave enough to go!

My ex met someone after we split (my decision, complete dickhed) and I went to his Mums to pick up the dc, the gf was there. His Mum was making a fuss of me, getting gf to make me a cup of tea, I was mortified for her! I was always being invited to things, didn’t always go, but when I did, I kept a low profile. I always take other people’s feelings into consideration. It’s a very tricky situation, and all parties should be mindful of others feelings.

existentialmoment Sat 07-Oct-17 00:17:32

Wow your mil sounds horrible

No she doesn't. She liked her daughter in law, the mother of her grandchildren. She still likes her. That is ok and she is allowed to say so. OP's self esteem issues are not the fault of her boyfriends mother!

Mama234 Sat 07-Oct-17 20:10:31

Existential yes she does sound horrible, Going on about how great her sons ex is to her sons new partner is a horrible thing to do, Completely insensitive.

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