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DH has gone NC with his family - how do I support him?

(10 Posts)
BabyLord Thu 05-Oct-17 17:32:59

Hello, i'm after some advice as I know there are many on here who have had to go NC with family.

DH had a shit show of a childhood and was badly abused. He has 6 siblings. He is the eldest and was the only one to be mistreated.

Throughout our relationship and marriage his relationship with his family has never been great, and I have to admit I did push a bit to keep them all together and encourage him to have open conversations with his mum in the hope of their being some resolution - stupid move on my part as his mum is unable to take any responsibility for anything and only ends up upsetting him more.

We moved away from our home town a few months ago and i am now pregnant with our first child together. DH has had enough and decided to go NC with his family - there was no huge falling out just the usual stuff and i guess he has reached his breaking point.

How do i support him? I struggle to know if i should express an opinion either way.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 05-Oct-17 18:37:53

You support him by respecting his wishes. Do not try to cajole him into continuing a relationship with people who abused him and have taken no responsibility for it. If he wants to talk about them, then be there to listen. If not, don't bring them up. This is his choice and you must accept it.

2rebecca Thu 05-Oct-17 18:49:04

I'm not sure what support you feel he needs. His parents, his decision. Accept it's not your role to try and make him play happy families if he doesn't want to and enjoy your relationship with him, your family and the baby when it comes.

BabyLord Thu 05-Oct-17 18:58:11

I am not at all hoping to get them to reunite - i'm really angry with his family. But i know he's really hurting. I completely understand and accept his decision. The only reason i ever pushed their relationship in the past was because i thought it would help him and i have well and truly learnt my lesson there.

Now i'm all he has and i just want to be able to help him get through this time.

N0RA Thu 05-Oct-17 19:04:35

What aquamarine said. Don't mention it unless he does. If he wants to talk, just listen.

Try not to bang on about how great your own family are.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 05-Oct-17 22:07:43

Don't talk about it unless he wants to talk about it. Basically just drop it.

In my experience, recovery from toxic people need you to get them out of your head. It's a big change to find you've gone a week and not for one moment thought about them.

Of course you could just ask him what's the best way to support him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 05-Oct-17 22:21:43

Support him by respecting his wishes. As Aquamarine has also written "If he wants to talk about them, then be there to listen. If not, don't bring them up. This is his choice and you must accept it".

His family were not good people to him when he was growing up and they have not changed. Such dysfunctional people really do not ever play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations and these go out the window when it comes to such families like his family of origin.

Do not expose your as yet unborn child to his family of origin either.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward; he may well want to read "Toxic Parents" by the same author.

CoyoteCafe Fri 06-Oct-17 01:46:22

I agree on the books. wink "Toxic Parents" was like my bible for awhile.

I'm the one with the crazy parents ("Toxic Parents" was like my bible for awhile), and my DH has handled it really well. I set the tone and the rules for my parents, and I've changed my mind over the years. He just rolls with the punches.

I don't think it's particularly helpful for others to express an opinion. Sometimes when they do, I feel like I need to defend my parents or better express how evil they are. It's weird. It's no win all the way around.

"Non-Violent Communication" by Rosenberg is a helpful book in finding ways to listen actively and let the other person know that you understand what they are feeling. It isn't about crazy parents, or even about marriage. But I have found it really helpful in talking to others in ways that let's them just feel how they feel, but feel validated in that. Might help, can't hurt.

TheSockGoblin Fri 06-Oct-17 10:58:57

Ask him what he needs from you in the way of support and then respect what he asks for.

MalcolmMc Fri 06-Oct-17 14:00:48

I completely agree with never bring them up and only ever mentioning them if he does. The hardest part of moving on is to get them out of your head.

Allow yourself to be sad and grieve for the loss of a second set of loving grandparents to your child and a full supportive family on both sides. Not because of your DH going NC (this has protected your family and your children from further hurt) but because this never existed - they are incapable of filling that role. You may also want to consider seeking out the help of a counselor yourself to work through your feeling and to know how best to support him when/if he does want to talk.

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