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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

It's got to be worked at....

56 replies

Itsallveryodd · 04/10/2017 21:54

A relationship between two people who decide to build a future together have to work at it right?

How have you made your relationship work?

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shivermytimbers · 04/10/2017 21:56

If it was hard work, I'd probably quit

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Shoxfordian · 04/10/2017 21:56

Yeah you have to be a team for it to work. We're honest about money; we discuss things and we plan stuff together.

What do you mean by working at the relationship though? Some things can't be fixed

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Itsallveryodd · 04/10/2017 22:00

I mean just in general, dealing with circumstances that pop up, personal issues, making it till the very end.
Just seems so many don't these days.

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Shoxfordian · 04/10/2017 22:02

I dunno. I think a lot of relationships I see on here are so toxic that there's no fixing them. Nothing wrong with walking away either if you can't resolve something or if someone breaks your trust.

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Itsallveryodd · 04/10/2017 22:02

I do know some relationships should absolutely be OVER and DONE with, totally unrepairable.

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Itsallveryodd · 04/10/2017 22:10

Not 'hard' work shivermytimbers....I'd walk too.

Just as in 'making it work'
being with each other forever.

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AnyFucker · 04/10/2017 22:12

I don't have to make my marriage do anything at all

It looks after itself

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jeaux90 · 04/10/2017 22:13

I think we are way too conditioned about the forever shit. Why is it important?

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LineysRun · 04/10/2017 22:17

Why do you ask, OK?

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Itsallveryodd · 04/10/2017 22:17

But you do anyfucker because if you and your other half did nothing for each other you wouldn't be together. So you MAKE it work together don't you, because you love and respect each other and what you have together.
Some of his ways must annoy you and vice versa.

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LineysRun · 04/10/2017 22:18

OP

Strange autocorrect ...

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GeriT · 04/10/2017 22:18

If you are blessed with a marriage that doesn't require work - good for you!

Most of us aren't afforded that luxury. Yes it does need to be worked at.

If you want to make it work forever then good for you!!

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PickAChew · 04/10/2017 22:19

Can't say I've had to work at this one. We've managed 15 years.

I did make a point of working at the last one, for a few years, but he couldn't be arsed to join in and pretend to be a decent, civilised human being.

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MsAwesomeDragon · 04/10/2017 22:20

I haven't had to really work at my marriage at all yet? We work together to keep the household running and the kids sorted/organised, but our relationship hasn't been work at all. I'm sort of expecting that as the youngest dd gets older we might want to reconnect in some way as there will be more time available for "relationship" stuff rather than kids stuff, but actually I think that time will be filled with "work" stuff :(

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Itsallveryodd · 04/10/2017 22:22

I'm only asking because I see so many things on here.
I've been with my partner a while now. We work. Somehow. I don't know how. We both have issues. My god, I have horrendous issues. We have had crappy times but we've worked, we are still together, still there for each other.

So I'm just wondering how others do it too.... because for all the relationships that fail there are the ones that make it.

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AnyFucker · 04/10/2017 22:22

"Working" on a relationship to me implies unwelcome effort

If it doesn't enhance your life you shouldn't be in it.

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Itsallveryodd · 04/10/2017 22:27

I'm not on about like going to work every day, to a job that pisses you off.
Just as in two people committed to each other because of their feelings to each other.

Sorry I am new here and don't understand things like 'strange auto correct'

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WeAllHaveWings · 04/10/2017 22:29

There have been a couple of times I've doubted us, but 27 years on it is still worth the "hard work".

I wouldn't stay if dh was unfaithful, cruel, violent, etc, I wouldn't be with him if I thought he could be any of those, But there have been periods where we've become complacent and drifted apart, taken each other for granted, but worked at it and made it back together again.

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Itsallveryodd · 04/10/2017 22:40

That's what I'm asking about, the times you've realised things need tweaking, worked on, could go another way if you don't sort it.

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LineysRun · 04/10/2017 22:41

I meant 'OP' strangely autocorrecred to 'OK'.

Are you perhaps altogether new to chat boards?

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GeriT · 04/10/2017 22:41

Sounds like you are think sensibly OP.

It's not all perfume and roses.

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shivermytimbers · 04/10/2017 22:42

DH and I both act like we act because of who we are. We'd have the same personalities together or apart so we are well suited, I think. We communicate quite well most of the time, which probably smoothes the way, but if it needed work, or either of us felt like we had to compromise who we were for the sake of the marriage, I don't think we'd stay together.
I'm not one for celebrating long marriages for the sake of it but I will be more than happy to celebrate someone ending a marriage because it's making them unhappy.

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Raaaaaah · 04/10/2017 22:46

Been with DP 15yrs and yes we have had to work through tough times. Bereavements, illness, sleep deprivation, differences of opinion. To maintain a long term, cohabitating relationship with anyone would require work on my behalf as I am naturally intolerant . DP is a decent, fun, attractive, intelligent, lovely man but we are at opposite ends of the spectrum in many of our beliefs (social and political). Occasionally it does feel like unwelcome effort but it is ultimately rewarding. A bit like a complex book can be more satisfying than an easy read.

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Itsallveryodd · 04/10/2017 22:47

Me to. Absolutely. Get out of whats not working. Wish I had had the strength, courage and confidence to do that with past relationships.

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rainbowduck · 04/10/2017 22:48

I hear you!

I have had two partners, as in living together and engaged, as opposed to boyfriends.

One was exceptionally hard work. So many compromises, different needs, and an unhealthy dependency on each other. After a few years, I was tired and we agreed to call it quits.

The second, it just felt easy. Nothing petty, free to do individual things as well as trying out each other's interests from time to time. Lots of cuddles, sex, laughter. I married him, and 16 years and four kids later, we are still laughing and chilling... of course we have to be respectful of each other and not 100% selfish, but we are generally attuned to each other's needs.