Accidental or deliberate google search? Escorts!

[deepwater71]

Before I make a difficult decision please can someone tell me if this is an accidental or deliberate google search the previous search was a porn site, I've clicked on it today and it goes to vivastreet escort search. I'm not being naive I just want to believe that my husband hasn't searched for them but I guess he probably has and that's my line in the sand after a shit load of bad treatment

[Josuk]

Deepwater - it’s impossible to say. And is not enough to go on.
You sound angry at him and looking for a reason to blow up at him.

You said that you don’t like how he treats you. So - I don’t think you need a reason to tell him you are not happy.
Just say it as it is. You don’t need to justify it with screenshots.

[Bbbbbbb]

He's visited, it looks like

[deepwater71]

I don't trust him one bit, hence the checking internet history. Which I know is not right and something I've never done in a relationship.He's a sleazy horrible excuse for a man who pretended to be the opposite to get me, my fault I married him way too quickly.

[deepwater71]

I know I can just leave but I check up on him because I want concrete proof.

[Shoxfordian]

Why do you need concrete proof if you already don't trust him and it doesn't sound like you even like him? Enough reasons to leave

[BirdieBootie]

Accidental, my arse. Sorry.

[AgainstTheOddsNo2]

The search underneath for "Escorial wool" could have lead to a miss click. So it is not 100% a bad thing. However it sounds like you nèd to have reached your line in the sand. You don't need an excuse to leave. If he treats you like shit you deserve better

[Mumof41987]

The search underneath about Escorial wool would most likely bring up escorts ! Your over reacting and jumping the gun . The wool is what would have triggered the site !

[Mumof41987]

But yeh if he treats you like shit and you don't trust him then you should leave !

[ClemFandango11]

Looks accidental, the next search was for Escorial wool. Escort would have popped up as a predictive suggestion while searching for Escorial, its not that unlikely for someone to pick the suggested option be mildly curious, have a click about then forget about it... if someone were actually looking at escorts I'd expect they'd cover their tracks a little better than that.

[ClemFandango11]

Cross posted. If he's a sleazy bastard just leave him. You don't need proof of anything to tell him you aren't happy and want rid!

[deepwater71]

I'm so unhappy he's awful he used to tell me all about his friends going to escorts but I think he was talking about himself really. My job is linked in with him, I can't leave without leaving my job, he called me by his exes name today, the one who he said used to hit him and sleep with his friends who he was physically repulsed by as she was so fat apparently He's stayed in the pub tonight and I feel so crap. I'm on the waiting list for woman's aid counselling, I should have left a long time ago.

[deepwater71]

I've just googled escorial wool there's no way he would be googling that, more likely that came up when he was googling escorts!

[ClemFandango11]

Can you start job hunting? Would you be safe to look for other work? Obviously don't say anything that can out you, but is there any HR involved where you work that could help "unlink" your jobs?

[deepwater71]

There's no way I can unlink my job from him. It's very complicated and I don't want to out myself but unless I leave I will have to see him on a daily basis, I really don't want to leave I love my job

[Maddiemademe]

So sorry to have to say this but, as a former escort, trust me you don't accidentally search for viva street, adult work etc.

what do you want to do about it?

[speakout]

I am guessing you don't have kids.

In which case the break would be 100 times more complicated.

You can always get another job, you can't get another life.

[deepwater71]

I have kids but they're not his. Maddiemademe thank you I just wondered if it could have been a pop up from porn hub? But he spends far too much time on there too, I think it's definitely a deal breaker. He'll have some excuse this morning, I slept in a different room so Ive not seen him, he has a fixation on women who have slept with loads of men, while Ive not been an angel this doesn't sit right with me, there's too much that doesn't add up, Thankyou everyone who has commented x

[BandHag]

screen shot and ask him

[deepwater71]

He will just say he's got no idea how it got there I think. He is the sort of man who will give another women lifts,finiancal or emotional support and then act like I'm the unreasonable one for questioning it. He's made me into the equivalent of a jealous teenage girlfriend with his antics over the years. His latest tactic is to act as if he wants me to end it so he will get all the sympathy from mutual friends...its beyond fucked up and wrong. I've got no-one to talk about it with now, he's isolated me from my actual close friends, this has to change.

[Shoxfordian]

Even though you love your job you can't carry on with such an unhappy relationship

[deepwater71]

I know that I'm just hanging on to what it was like in the beginning when he was so lovely then when we'd been married a year his ex (the one he was horrible about) came cap in hand for £200 even though she had a longterm boyfriend, he let me send the message saying no so he didn't look bad then let her abuse me all over facebook and sat back and wouldn't get involved. That's when it changed and thats when I should have left.

[Ellisandra]

deepwater your drip feed is important - but please don't thinknim accusing you in a mean way of a drip feed! It's hard to get it altogether when you're just letting out the latest incident.

I know it so well - my ex husband was an habitual user of prostitutes.

I used to say to friends - any ONE incident could be explained away. It was always circumstantial, not proof.

Like seeing an escort search.
Well, we all know that porn sites cause you to have random pop ups, right? There's always an explanation that we make for ourselves. Not because we're stupid enough to believe it! But because the burden of proof we put on ourselves isn't a "balance of probabilities" or even "beyond all reasonable doubt". It is: "cast iron". That is, beyond any doubt - not just beyond any reasonable doubt.

And that's very very hard to find.

When people look at your OP, they'll think - ah, but escort is so close to Escorial wool (what even is that?!) - so it must have come up when you typed Escorial. Except... you didn't. And that's the important drop feed.

Yes, maybe escort could come up from a porn pop up (though I'm not buying that anyway). But Escorial sure as fuck did not! (unless there's a whole fetish for fucking people in woolly jumpers?!)

Anyway... you know he searched it.

I appreciate the people saying "show him the screenshot" are trying to help. But they may not have lived with a man like this. Mine would have just stonewalled "I don't know why. My mate must have searched it on my laptop. It'll be a porn pop up. I was searching for Escorial wool because I thought you might like a new hobby" But mostly - I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

That puts you in the very uncomfortable position of saying YOU ARE A LIAR. That's actually very hard to say to someone's face.

One day, when I was really ready to leave (some other unrelated stuff had happened) I found yet more circumstantial evidence. An old phone of his full of dialled escort numbers. "But I never went through with it..."

Of course he had. But he thought his denials would work. But this time I just shrugged and said "don't you see that even you 'only looking' is on its own good reason for me to end this marriage?". And it was. And I did. And the relief I felt was IMMENSE. I was freed from the constant and soul destroying search for PROOF.

You know that phrase about a weight lifting? I actually felt like I was walking on air for days.

So you work with him and love your job?
Yeah it's tough working with an XH.
Isn't it tougher working with an H who treats you like shit and cheats on you?

Who cares whether his mates think it's your fault? Really - is that a reason to stay, that they think that, or he "wins" getting it that way.

Get out.
Carry on with the job you love - because it's shit working with an arsehole anyway.
You might get lucky and he leaves. But look around for another job or an internal move anyway.

I know you love your job - but your SOUL is more important.

Good luck (and stop looking for proof! He's not good enough - end of)

[deepwater71]

Ellisandra you have made complete sense when I can't even get it straight in my own head. There's a massive backstory to this but it would take all day to read plus he's muddled up my head so much I can't think properly I'm going to talk to him about it later but I know I'll get no sense, I think I may go for a sti check I just know he's been elsewhere even though I have no proof so that's my plan for today

[ClemFandango11]

Everything @Ellisandra has said. Don't confront him, the relationship is already bad enough to leave- you know that. Find a way out. Even if it means tough choices.

Sense check your job concerns with a friend if you can. It sounds like you could do with some practical advice on that front about how to extract yourself from the "linked" situation. I appreciate if it's an income and it provides satisfaction it's not easy to walk away just like that. But there are often other options to explore. And if you are good at what you do, it's very possible that you could get into the same line of work again, but without him. Or draw up a professional agreement between yourselves to continue, once the dust has settled.