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Sad about lost friendship

(60 Posts)
ShuttyTown Wed 04-Oct-17 19:07:47

I’ve been friends with A for about 3 years, met at a playgroup for our DS’s who were both 2 at the time. We quickly became good friends, and our DH’s got on too so we did holidays, nights out, takeaway nights, Sunday lunches etc together.

A has lots of other friends however (but not as close as I was in terms of spending time together as a 4) that she would see for days out with their kids and play dates etc and I only have one other friend really so sometimes I felt a bit resentful if she was out with her other friends and she never invited me to be part of that.

Anyway cut to half term in February I never heard from her and saw on Facebook she’d done activities each day with her other friends and their children, I was upset but never said anything. Then come the Easter holidays same again, she was busy every day doing days out with her other friends and I didn’t see her for the full two weeks. (Normally we would do days out/playdates for our DS’s in every holiday). I was pissed off after this and I stopped messaging her and she never messaged me either however would still ‘like’ my photos on FB etc. Then the nail in the coffin was she posted a photo of her DS at a football class that we had originally taken our DS’s together, and decided not go back when they didn’t show much interest in it. When I saw she’d taken him back without even asking if we wanted to give it another try I was upset and angry and I removed her off Facebook as I took it as a hint that she was done with me. I left it a few days and didn’t hear from her and then when I checked she had actually blocked me on Facebook.

I have left it weeks now but I do miss her, she was a good friend and we had been there for each other through some hard times, so despite my better judgement I bit the bullet and wrote to her, just a short note saying I was sorry for removing her off FB, I missed her, my DS misses her DS and I’d love to chat and sort things out. She would have received the letter on Monday, I still haven’t heard from her.

WWYD? My DH is telling me to leave it, she obviously doesn’t want to sort things out but I want to go round to her house and face her and ask her why things ended up like this.

Thank you if you’re still with me, that was very long!

I also realise how sad and desperate I sound once it’s all written down but I just feel so sad about losing someone who was such a good friend. Thanks for any advice!

shouldaknownbetter Wed 04-Oct-17 19:27:41

For the love of For, please don't go round to her house and confront her. She doesn't want to be friends any more for whatever reason. You don't usually get closure with these things. Accept it and move on. With dignity.

shouldaknownbetter Wed 04-Oct-17 19:28:23

For? Who's For? God!

Shoxfordian Wed 04-Oct-17 19:31:35

You sound really jealous. She is allowed to have other friends too. Maybe you could have made new friends or found some other way to amuse yourself whilst she had other friends but this jealous behaviour is just weird. Leave the poor woman alone.

PosiePootlePerkins Wed 04-Oct-17 19:33:31

I think you have to accept she's not the friend you thought she was. I know its hard, I have been through similar, but came out the other side with some good close friends, who I never would have met if ex friend hadn't 'dumped' me. Honestly, you deserve better, cut your losses and try again. Good luck.

Msqueen33 Wed 04-Oct-17 19:34:07

Did you ask her to do things in the holiday? I'd probably just leave it. It's hard if you have a friend who has lots of other friends but a lot of people do have a wide circle of friends. I think sadly it's probably best left now.

Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon Wed 04-Oct-17 19:35:11

Sorry hun she doesn't seem like she values you as much as you value her

Take your D.C. To new activities and classes hopefully you will meet more mum friends xx

Maybe join local fb groups x

Anymajordude Wed 04-Oct-17 19:39:04

I've got one of those friends. I've disengaged. I'm friendly and civil but I no longer trust her or think of her as a friend, more an acquaintance. I'm consolidating other friendships.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered Wed 04-Oct-17 19:39:18

Has something happened with your husband?

ShuttyTown Wed 04-Oct-17 19:46:25

Thanks everyone, I know I need to leave it now, it’s just so hard when we were best friends, really close, she at one point was really ill in hospital and it was me who was there for her, she was there for me when I had my DD last year etc. To go from being that close to literally nothing and being more or less ignored by her is hard.

I don’t feel I’ve harassed her, to the first few posters who told me to leave her alone! I just sent her one small note asking if she wanted to chat. I haven’t been round her house and I won’t go. I’ll have to just get over it I suppose.

Not sure what you mean @Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon ?

ShuttyTown Wed 04-Oct-17 19:46:47

Sorry I mean to tag @Wellandtrulyoutnumbered

Howlongtilldinner Wed 04-Oct-17 19:47:09

Borderline obsessive if you keep trying to make contact. You offered her an olive branch and she didn’t take it, leave it now.

These things happen in life, and yes people do have other friends, you have to find others too, it’s not healthy to invest in just one person.

ladystarkers Wed 04-Oct-17 19:52:41

You sound a nighmare, my guess is she’d had enough of you.

ShuttyTown Wed 04-Oct-17 20:09:41

Ha thanks @ladystarkers I’m sure you don’t know enough about me or the friendship to make that judgement. I’m upset about losing a 3 year friendship and asked for some advice I hope it made you happy to be so unkind

Angelf1sh Wed 04-Oct-17 20:12:19

She was and is allowed to have other friends. The fact that you don't have as many has (probably understandably but not reasonably) left you a little jealous of the time spent with others. The sensible thing to do at the time was to give yourself a mental slap, recognise that she almost certainly wasn't deliberately slighting you by any of that stuff and ask her to do something during the half-term/Easter holidays instead of waiting for her to invite you to stuff. Instead you kind of threw your toys out of the pram a bit and decided that if she was going to be friends with others then that meant she couldn't be friends with you anymore. TBH I'm not surprised she blocked you after that. You have done the adult thing and apologised for your behaviour (albeit seemingly grudgingly?) but you can't make her accept your apology so now you need to leave it as the ball is in her court. Let's not forget, it's only Wednesday, she might be waiting till the weekend to drop by or something. In any event, if she doesn't respond then that's your answer and you really shouldn't go round there.

I don't want to be mean here, this is just my reading of it, but you say you don't understand why it came to this but as far as I can tell you brought this on yourself. In future I'd just address any feelings of hurt or jealousy at the time rather than let them fester and grow.

Sorry you miss your friend though, that does suck 😥

AhWoof Wed 04-Oct-17 20:16:12

Time for some new friends! If you get out and about to some new groups with your DS you will meet new people soon. Sometimes friendships do end; especially when the kids get a bit older and maybe you don't have so much in common any more.
Also, it's only Wednesday and you may yet hear back from your friend. Don't chase after her though!

SleightOfMind Wed 04-Oct-17 20:21:49

You sound justifiably hurt and mystified, not obsessive hmm
You'll probably never know the reasons for this so you have to just put it behind you and move on.
Some people are less loyal than others and friendships have a shelf life for them. Are your DCs at different schools? It may be that she'd rather spend time with people from the same school, who are less effort to catch up with?
It's probably nothing you've done, just that you were a toddler mum friend and that era is over.

YoureAnArseholeDenise Wed 04-Oct-17 20:23:17

Goodness Ladystarkers you’re absolutely horrible aren’t you?!

ShuttyTown Wed 04-Oct-17 20:27:15

Thanks everyone, I think @Angelf1sh hit the nail on the head.

I just want to clarify, I do have other friends who I do play dates etc with (the one I mentioned in my OP I meant is my other ‘best friend’) I go to playgroups and do soft play and play dates etc with other people, even more now I have a 10 month old and I’ve met some more people at playgroup. I also did ask her to do to stuff in the holidays, I didn’t just sit around waiting for her to message me, she was just busy with other friends every day which is fine in itself but is totally out of character for her as we normally spent so much time together, especially in school holidays as our DS’s were so close.

Anyway, I’ve taken all the advice on board, MN has given me the slap in the face I needed to pick myself up and move on!

Thank you to those who were kind smile

Msqueen33 Wed 04-Oct-17 20:28:40

How old is your ds? Could it be her son isn't keen on yours?

ShuttyTown Wed 04-Oct-17 20:29:44

Yes different schools @SleightOfMind

Angelf1sh Wed 04-Oct-17 20:30:18

Glad we could help Shutty! (which I initially read as SluttyTown 😂😂)

ShuttyTown Wed 04-Oct-17 20:31:38

Our DS are 5. They’ve always been really good friends from the start, no issues with fighting etc. They seemed to dote on each other, they’d have sleepovers and my friend and I would babysit each other’s children when needed etc @Msqueen33

ShuttyTown Wed 04-Oct-17 20:32:40

Haha @Angelf1sh! Maybe 15 years ago but I’m a sensible SAHM now 😂😂

Angelf1sh Wed 04-Oct-17 20:33:58

Well you know, I wasn't going to judge 😂😂

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