Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Living with a controlling man

(67 Posts)
rabbitsandhares Wed 04-Oct-17 12:53:28

I need advice.

I find my bloody husband so difficult to manage. I was only young - 23 - when I got married. That in itself was fairly unusual amongst my peers but then I couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone else. My mum had left me a small (in relative terms) amount of money when she died but my dad wouldn't release it to enable me to buy a house if I was not married. So, we got married. Registry office, very casual, no one there but us. It didn't bother me: I had never been the sort of woman who dreamed of a meringue dress and flowers.

He's always controlled everything I do. Usually he does it in a kindly sort of "I'll sort this out properly" way hmm but I find that irritating now, where once I found it charming. If he is in a bad mood though, or if I've really pissed him off, don't I know about it.

He has a way of using circumstances against me. Like the inheritance thing, he used that to get me to agree to be married in quite a rushed way. Then he has used just ordinary life events like illness, difficult jobs, pregnancy and so on, as reasons why we should change locations, why I should not see this friend, why I don't need the car, and on and on.

I suppose in short, over the time I have been with him, he has slowly taken away everything else, leaving me with just him.

I kmow people will think I am an idiot for letting him. I'm not. I have always resisted and fought back, to a point. I have worked, sorted contraception, even had one pregnancy terminated (without his knowledge) because I knew the more children I had, the more difficult life would be. But he used to find my weak moments and slip a wedge through the cracks and widen them. The doctor says I am depressed but I can't access anti depressants without him being a dick.

Much of the time I am tempted to just lie dowm and submit and put up with it all but then this anger and rage comes out of nowhere then guilt then exhaustion.

scurryfunge Wed 04-Oct-17 12:57:48

Denying access to medication you have been prescribed is extremely controlling and the most worrying. He needs to go.

pinkyredrose Wed 04-Oct-17 13:03:14

How long have you been married? You really can't be yourself at all, is there anywhere you can stay for a few weeks to give you breathing space?

Dragongirl10 Wed 04-Oct-17 13:11:52

Oh op, why would you want to live like this?

This is not normal, marriage should be teamwork supporting each other and making joint decisions, he is a controlling bully.

If you are afraid to speak to your husband about anything, at all, then the marriage is not a marriage but a jail......

Break free....you really can you know, he is NOT in charge of you..

Aquamarine1029 Wed 04-Oct-17 13:15:46

He can't control you if you don't allow him to. Why are you still with him?

rabbitsandhares Wed 04-Oct-17 13:19:08

I don't have anywhere at all I can go. I feel like everything has gone and if the marriage goes then that leaves me with just me and I am nothing.

rabbitsandhares Wed 04-Oct-17 13:19:41

Oh, he can aqua , trust me.

FacelikeaBagofHammers Wed 04-Oct-17 13:19:53

I actually can't believe your dad wouldn't release your Mams funds to you unless you were married!!!!

I'm sorry your husband is so controlling. You really need to consider leaving him, or learn to stand up to him, but if you carry on like you are, you are going to end up in a bad place, and very alone.

Do you have friends you can lean on or rely on for support if you decide to leave him?

FacelikeaBagofHammers Wed 04-Oct-17 13:21:52

*I feel like everything has gone and if the marriage goes then that leaves me with just me and I am nothing.*

That's what he wants you to believe.

OP you are not nothing.

Do you work? You need to start gaining control of your life, slowly but surly. Do you have financial independence? Can you set up an account he knows nothing about? Get a new prescription for anti-ds if you need them ... work on one thing at a time.

lollipop7 Wed 04-Oct-17 13:25:36

Yes unfortunately it isn't that easy.

I have recently left a controlling psychologically abusive man. He is still continuing this torment and seemingly getting away with it even though I've made statements to the police. Harassment, using the children, hateful emails, refusing to cooperate, lying about me.

But I still left.
You are married so certain things are more of a formality in terms of the house etc.

He sounds all too familiar to me. I felt like I was being constantly performance managed, it was making me so anxious. He's damaging our tiny children he's so full of himself and full of shit

Though it's hard dealing with him still it's at a distance now and I don't have to walk on eggshells dreading him coming through the front door like lord of the manor bullying us.

Speak to women's aid they are great.
Don't let this carry on and ruin more of your life. He wants you to be so small and rudderless that an existence with him is all you can consider.
There is more
You can do it
It does get better
💐

rabbitsandhares Wed 04-Oct-17 13:27:03

Face, it was partly due to old fashioned piousness (ironic given he was living with a woman) but mostly because he didn't want me to buy a house with a partner with a £50,000 deposit for the partnership to split and leave me with half the funds I put in. As it was, marrying him tied up the legal bits.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 04-Oct-17 13:29:45

The only way you can free yourself from the cage of his own making is to leave him. Staying will simply allow him to control you and in turn any children you have; you cannot protect them fully from his controlling behaviours of you. He is likely also to be the root cause of your depressed state; he would have done this regardless of whom he married. Such men hate women, all of them and your own father sounds very similar to your husband now.

No man is above the law and the controlling influence he has over you can nowadays be seen as criminal in nature. Womens Aid can and will help you leave; you are not as powerless as you think you are and he is not as powerful as you think he is.

rabbitsandhares Wed 04-Oct-17 13:33:36

It feels that things are so far in a particular direction I can't pull them back.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 04-Oct-17 13:39:14

But you can but its very hard to leave without outside support. I would also think you live in abject fear of him and has you thinking that you are nothing without him and that you would not manage without him. This is where the likes of Womens Aid can help you.

rabbitsandhares Wed 04-Oct-17 13:46:02

The problem is that sometimes control can continue when a relationship ends, via the children.

PurpleWithRed Wed 04-Oct-17 13:50:01

Why did you post here? You must have known you’d get a chorus of ‘leave him’ and lots of people saying it’s doable and your life will be so much better without him. If you want a bit of a confidence boost and advice then that’s great - mumsnet is the place to be. As a survivor of a controlling ex husband I can vouch for how brilliant it is to be free.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 04-Oct-17 13:53:11

He will likely make the process of separation and life thereafter as difficult for you as possible. However, its still not any sort of reason to remain within this abusive marriage.

Do you think this man will actually want to see his children after divorce?. He is not going to be reasonable re them either. He may well only want to see them to further punish you for having the gall to leave him.

rabbitsandhares Wed 04-Oct-17 13:54:46

I just have no one to talk to, Purple, i feel less alone, when I post.

He will definitely want to see the children.

ems137 Wed 04-Oct-17 14:01:50

I'm sure your old friends and family would still welcome you back if you told them the truth.

And even if you are totally on your own now, if you get rid of him you'll be able to meet new people again.

Start putting things into place, start finding out how to go about splitting up.

MsGameandWatching Wed 04-Oct-17 14:05:19

How old are your children. It gets easier as they get older. I cannot tell you how much I relate to what you're saying but I can also tell you that you believe you are powerless because you've been conditioned too, it is purely a temporary state of mind, I promise you that. It's because you're still with him. Your mind has settled into cooperation to protect itself and it's taking all your mental reserves just to cope with what's happening now so you don't feel you have the strength to make a big change. You do, it's there, you just have to find it. My ex hit me in front of my child, that was my turning point. Sometimes it takes something like that to find the strength.

MsGameandWatching Wed 04-Oct-17 14:06:52

Oh my ex who used my children to make me miserable for years gradually stopped seeing them and then suddenly upped and moved half way round the world and rings once a fortnight if they're lucky. These men often lose interest in the long term.

rabbitsandhares Wed 04-Oct-17 14:38:21

Friendships only go so far ems

They do not sleep with you, spend the night, spend the long weekends with you, Christmas and bank holidays.

game, if i was going to go I would need to wait for the children to be a bit older.

lollipop7 Wed 04-Oct-17 18:28:26

You sound utterly despondent and I don't blame you.
You've also said some things which I think are very true. However you can't stay with someone because at some point you'll be physically alone, you must be so lonely. I know I felt lonely trying to lie next to a man I didn't love anymore or spend the weekend with him. It was dreadful.

I'm not sure of how old you or your children are but all I would say is that the younger your children the less they will emotionally impact upon them.

Schmoopy Wed 04-Oct-17 18:33:15

How does he know the Dr prescribed ADs for you in order to prevent you from taking them?

shouldaknownbetter Wed 04-Oct-17 19:32:17

If you could have an abortion without his knowledge why can't you take ADs?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now