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Is this a reasonable response from DH?

(297 Posts)
AngeloMysterioso Tue 03-Oct-17 14:23:11

DH recently found out (by opening my post) that I'd taken out a loan (£3.5k) before we were married, to pay for some personal expenses. I was recently made redundant but I explained to him that I was on track with repayments, and I'd had the account suspended so it wouldn't accrue any more interest until I get another job. He went absolutely crazy, stormed out and sent me a text message telling me not to be there when he got home, so I went round to my friends. I'd not been there long and was having dinner when he sent another message saying he'd changed his mind and wanted me to go home. I explained that we were still eating and got this response

You're obviously not taking this very seriously. You're going to need to work very fucking hard tonight just to stay married and you're worried about finishing your fucking dinner?! I'd suggest you put your fucking coat on and get home.

When I did eventually get home he'd gone to bed and put the chain across the front door "so I couldn't sneak in". It broke when I opened the door so I still got in the flat but he woke up. He came in to the front room, pointed at the sofa and told me that's where I'd be sleeping, and went back to bed.

He came in at 20 past 2 in the morning, having decided that was a good time to talk. He was still in a rage and didn't calm down until I started having a panic attack (I have anxiety depression). He decided that the next day we'd go to his parents and ask them to lend us the money to pay off the loan. I didn't want to bring them into it but he was insistent. They were actually much calmer about it than he was, said everybody makes mistakes and they'd also had to lend BIL money and not to worry about it.

So to the thing I have an issue with- up until now we've kept all our finances separate- the mortgage and all utilities are in his name,
I give him money each month to cover my share, do an equal amount of food shopping etc- we didn't open a joint account until we were married and that was only because we got a few cheques made out to both of us so we had to- otherwise we never use it. He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance. He's likened the arrangement to me being a SAHM and getting an allowance from his salary. As much as I can see where he's coming from I'm really reluctant to do that! Surely as long as I'm making the contribution we agreed on, the rest of my salary should be mine to do with as I please?

MrsMozart Tue 03-Oct-17 14:25:02

Unless there's a massive backstory, tell him to do one!

Sounds like your loan frightened him, plus the worry of you being made redundant must be a pressure on you both.

Money can be very stressful. But of course no, you are not going to do what he asks. When you get a job it's your money into your account. If you feel you need a bit of help there are plenty of resources online for money managing. Martin Lewis is a great place to start. But DH is not being sensible and hopefully is just panicking. If not, he doesn't sound like a very nice person.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 03-Oct-17 14:29:55

He sounds like a controlling monster. Sorry. Do you have friends or family you can stay with?

MagicFajita Tue 03-Oct-17 14:30:23

Okay , you should've told him that you had debt. I think that's an important thing to know about your partner. He does appear to have had a massive reaction to this though. Is there some kind of history of poor financial management from you? If no then this seems slightly unfair.

chipsandpeas Tue 03-Oct-17 14:30:37

he can fuck right off imo

Angelf1sh Tue 03-Oct-17 14:30:57

^ even if there is a massive backstory, still tell him to do one!! Under NO circumstances should you do this. If he controls the finances he controls you. You need to keep your own money, get your name on the Land Registry and explain to him that you are his wife, not his child or a dog and you won't be spoken to like either. His behaviour over a small debt you got into before you were a couple and are paying back without difficulty, is outrageous.

kath6144 Tue 03-Oct-17 14:31:10

He is abusive, both emotionally and potentially financially.

What will he do if you say "no, that won't work for me. My money stays in my account."

Since when did he think he could boss you around? Never in a million years should you agree to this. He cant make you and if he tries to, I would tell him where to go! Or LTB.

TheRealBiscuitAddict Tue 03-Oct-17 14:32:08

You were in £3.5k worth of debt when you married but didn't tell him?

It does seem clear that you can't be trusted with money and that moreover, that you're not honest about it. TBH it would be a deal breaker for me and the relationship would be over.

While him saying that he'll be controlling all the money from now on seems like an overreaction, the fact is that he can't trust you, and as you're married he's also liable for your debts, so he has good reason to be annoyed.

RatherBeRiding Tue 03-Oct-17 14:32:14

I'm sorry but "you can see where he is coming from"?? Really??

He's an abusive, controlling shit. If YOU wish to keep your money separate then do so. Telling you (telling you FFS) to pay your salary into HIS account is just pure and simple financial abuse.

Having a calm sensible discussion about having your salary paid into a joint account, if you agree, is one thing, but this has crossed so many lines.

Just say No. Easier said than done as you're obviously not married long but, bloody hell, he opens your post, he's abusive, he's controlling....... I'd be having a serious re-think about the whole relationship.

You either cave now and let him control you. Or you set out your boundaries now and explain to him that you do not appreciate his control freakery, and watch his reaction. Having watched his reaction, decide if this relationship is going to last.

MiniCooperLover Tue 03-Oct-17 14:32:51

That is a complete over reaction on his part and he has no right to insist on having access to your salary !!!

The way he treated you was horrific. If there are no children involved already please don’t have any with this man, he’ll destroy you 😳

passmethewineplease Tue 03-Oct-17 14:33:12

He sounds awful speaking to you like that.

You took out a loan before you met him and pay it off out of your own money, correct?

The sentence that you're going to have to work hard to stay married sounds horrible.

Bluntness100 Tue 03-Oct-17 14:33:15

Tell him to fuck right off and if he wants to stay married he needs to work bloody hard. Honestly why are you even asking or considering this. Tell him where to shove it. Seriously, don’t put up with this controlling abusive shite.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Tue 03-Oct-17 14:33:28

He's an abusive bastard and I'll bet you everything I have this isn't the first taste you've had of it. Get out now!

passmethewineplease Tue 03-Oct-17 14:34:24

Please please do not have your salary paid in to his account OP.

cakecakecheese Tue 03-Oct-17 14:34:30

I can see why he'd be a bit upset, you should have told him about the loan but does he always open your post without permission? I'm concerned about his reaction tbh as it sounds very angry, were you scared? And while I can understand how he wants to make sure the two of you don't get into a load of debt you can't afford the allowance thing sounds a bit over the top.

TheRealBiscuitAddict Tue 03-Oct-17 14:34:31

Abusive? Controlling? And what would the reaction be if someone posted on here that they'd opened their husband's post and discovered that they had debts of £3.5k from before the marriage that they'd decided never to tell them about?

Myheartbelongsto Tue 03-Oct-17 14:36:24

If you were writing about your dh doing this the responses would be so so different!

TiesThatBindMe Tue 03-Oct-17 14:36:25

What will he do if you say no?

MiniCooperLover Tue 03-Oct-17 14:36:49

I’d put it into perspective therealbiscuit. £3.5k can be paid off relatively easily, it wasn’t £35k. That reaction to £3.5k is dreadful! Plus the ‘get fucking home if you want to stay married’, telling her to sleep on the sofa and then waking her up at 2.30am as he’s decoded it’s time to talk. Abusive and abusive!

Akire Tue 03-Oct-17 14:38:40

What an ass and over reaction. It’s prefectural normal to have a credit card and if you are working and paying it off then no harm done. If it was a huge sum then can see why he would have been shocked, but given you have been paying it off with your income the house hold hasn’t “missed” it. So money can’t be that tight.

Your money after your share of the bills is your business how dare he demand he must look after it.

MagicFajita Tue 03-Oct-17 14:38:52

This is really difficult because I can see both sides op , from my pov being secretive about money/bad with money is a red flag and a deal breaker.

He was mean to you though , he words sound nasty.

MyBrilliantDisguise Tue 03-Oct-17 14:39:06

I wouldn't feel safe, being married to him, quite frankly. His behaviour would really scare me.

pullingmyhairout1 Tue 03-Oct-17 14:39:09

Has he historically been in a situation with an ex partner where he has had to bail them out financially? Is there a reason he was so angry? Regardless of whether you have separate or joint finances it is deceptive to not be completely honest and open. I say this coming from a situation where both my ex husbands lied to me financially and upon divorce I ended up losing approximately 40k per marriage. If it were me I'd be equally as upset.

I am now with a man (not married) and he has told me the whole bare truth about his finances, and he mine. We are keeping our finances separate, and although we are considering getting married for iht purposes we will probably never join finances.

DancesWithOtters Tue 03-Oct-17 14:39:33

Oh come on £3.5k?

That's a hell of a lot less debt than most people I know. I have £4K on a credit card, significantly less than friends who have 5-10.

Do not have your salary paid into his account. On the basis of his behaviour I would be separating at least short term. How long have you been together?

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