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Do I stop being NC with Mum?

(19 Posts)
ShoeOnTheOtherFoot Tue 03-Oct-17 11:49:40

I've been no contact with my mum for over a year now. Prior to that contact was limited, but still very toxic.

My narcissistic mum has been emotional abusive all my life. I have craved a mum that I am good enough for, however I now accept that I will never be what she wants me to be (at her beck and call, responsive to her needs before my own).

I can't shake off the thought that I want to contact her. I wonder what it will be like when she dies...will I be comfortable with my decision to have no contact with her? Will the FOG return?

What has started to change for me is that I now recognise her as a fallible human being, as we all are, and that perhaps I should take this into account and get back in touch.

Does anyone have experience of this, or have any thoughts?

LesisMiserable Tue 03-Oct-17 11:50:45

I think you're being very wise.

Gingernaut Tue 03-Oct-17 11:54:49

Sounds like the FOG never left if your torturing yourself like this.

Bluerose27 Tue 03-Oct-17 11:56:15

Op I don't know much about this topic but it made me sad to read you had written I have craved a mum that I am good enough for, however I now accept that I will never be what she wants me to be
If this is how your mum makes you feel then maybe contact is not the best idea -your parents should never make you feel you're not going enough for them . Your parents should be your number one cheerleaders in life. I had this from my dad for sure, not so much my mum so I'm only speaking from very limited personal experience and I'm sure that someone more knowledgeable will be along to advise you.

LadyChaddersly Tue 03-Oct-17 11:59:52

I have no contact with my dad for that exact reason. It is a kinda grieving process to cut someone out of your life and for me it is better (FAR better) without that toxic stress looming in the background waiting to erupt. The catalyst I needed to cut him off entirely was becoming a parent myself and realising that the thing my dad taught me was how NOT to be a parent. He gave me that which I can grow from, the rest, thanks but no thanks. Accepting their fallibility is one thing, and only you can judge your own situation, but be kind to yourself.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 03-Oct-17 12:30:04

You are no contact with her for good reason and that needs to remain the case.

Give more thought as to why this mindset of seeing her as a fallible human being come about at all. She has never given you any real consideration whatsoever. It is also not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. Therefore no she is not simply a fallible human being; she made you an extension of her from childhood and trained you well to put your own self last. People do make mistakes but she has not atoned for hers re you. Disordered of thinking people like your mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Toxic dysfunction like you describe can and does go down the generations; her mother likely treated your mother the same way and she with you took that same low road. You ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

You seem very much still in a FOG state with regards to your mother and this will remain in spades if you make contact with her again and will put you right back to square one. Do not do that to yourself.

Do read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationship pages and read "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karol McBride.

Santawontbelong Tue 03-Oct-17 12:38:22

I was nc with my dm for ten years. . Needed to contact her for a legal reason and let her back onto my life - and that of dc. Regretted it within a fortnight. She didn't like one of my dd names so decided she would be calling her by her middle name!! Made a nn for the other dd - despite her being aware my dc don't have shortened names or nn - when they older then their choice ob!! She was trying to be over familiar with them far too soon. And still criticising my parenting despite her dragging me up - dumped at gps /neighbours or really just anyone!! The final straw came after a huge huge court case was imminent and her nagging at me how cruel I was having only a single goldfish. . .
Nc since - 6 years now, of sheer bliss. . I agree to have a lovely dm /gm in our lives would be fantastic. But it will never be her. . Don't feel sad / mad / bad about it. Just one of those things.

LadyChaddersly Tue 03-Oct-17 12:48:00

what's FOG? sorry - can't find that list!

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 03-Oct-17 12:53:49

FOG is fear, obligation and guilt.

Quelto4 Tue 03-Oct-17 22:21:52

As you mature can any of you absolutely say you did everything right?It would appear all mothers are deemed toxic. Mothers are just normal fallible human beings, sure they get things wrong, who doesn't? Do they love you? Is there anyway you can sit down and discuss just what has gone wrong, even if you have limited contact, the way you treat your family is the way your children will learn to treat you. If they are a danger to you and your family, that is different, if not open your heart and ask two questions, do you love her, does she love you. If the answer is yes put it right whilst you can.

Gingernaut Tue 03-Oct-17 22:27:43

@Quelto4 Ah yes!

Emotional blackmail "She's yo muvva!"

This is a forum where members try to work through their problems and so we will see a view of the world that's disproportionately skewed towards dysfunctional.

Most mothers in the world are good.

springydaffs Tue 03-Oct-17 22:56:09

I would tread carefully. Ie don't get your hopes up.

Ime I made contact with my toxic, disordered family after a year of nc. Lol, I was feeling the bliss of nc from my poisonous brood and felt magnanimous.

Oh. My. Lord. I suppose I got to see them neat, as it were. No run-up. It was horrifying.

You have to be careful. I am now in contact with my extremely aged parents but not my siblings - long may that continue.

I don't care to have compassion for my siblings if I'm honest. Compassion doesn't mean you're still in FOG! It means you have the capacity to be humane. I don't want to be humane towards my siblings but I do want to be humane towards my parents. That's where I am at the moment.

ShoeOnTheOtherFoot Wed 04-Oct-17 09:04:31

Thank you Les, although I definitely don't feel it right now.

Ginger, it's interesting you say that... I think I do still have an element of FOG, but nowhere near the debilitating amount from before. I think I will always have FOG to some degree.

Thank you, blue, I appreciate your reply.

Lady, you hit the nail on the head. Becoming a parent was a big turning point for me too.

Attila, you're right. I know you are. I have tried to reason with her before. I have tried to fix our relationship, but that is neat impossible when she does not acknowledge that there is anything wrong, other than me. Thank you for the recommendations. I will have a look.

I'll try to reply to more later on today. Thank you so much for all the replies. flowers

arousingcheer Wed 04-Oct-17 14:37:38

Is there a way you can strengthen your boundaries to have a small amount of contact (if that's what you really want) without it impacting on your well-being? Can you talk to a counsellor about it? It has to be about you and your needs, not about your mum, because she can't be relied upon to get it right.

Someone I know was horribly abused by her mum's partner but still manages to have contact w her mum (not w abuser) because she 'only has one mother' and feels she'd regret nc.

I am nc w my father's side of the family (father is a violent alcoholic emotional and sexual abuser) and over the years any incidental contact w family members (I have lovely aunties) just reminds me how much better it is when nc. They have no boundaries and I can only manage the lack of boundaries for a certain number of people. I've had to go nc with all of them because they revealed my address and I got passive-aggressively lovebombed by my dad's wife until I moved house. It was disturbing and I had nightmares about them turning up at my door.

But you may just be feeling good and strong (because of healing properties of being nc) and contact may wear this away. If you can find a way of having a small amount of heavily-bounded time together and there is someone you can debrief with, see if you feel better with than without. But be prepared to revert to a nc position, and be prepared that your mum may be more reluctant to let you go nc now that she's seeing you again.

Good luck, relationships with parents can be very tough. flowers

arousingcheer Wed 04-Oct-17 14:45:58

I also want to say that yours is a really encouraging post OP. I often regret reading the relationships boards (any random 'Is this normal?' post reveals a nightmare of abuse from partner which poster keeps rationalising etc) because they can be so sad and reveal how low some people's expectations are for their own lives and relationships.

It sounds like you are handling nc well and looking at the possibilities. Just be prepared to look after yourself. Do what makes your life better. Don't absorb abuse because 'no one is perfect' but if you can put her behaviour into perspective and it makes your life better to have contact (eg when she's gone you'll know you did the best you could) then good luck to you.

Bitsandbobsalot Wed 04-Oct-17 15:22:27

Lots of good advice from pp's
I was nc with my toxic mother for 18 months, let her back for about 12 months and have had to go nc again. So I can completely understand how you are feeling.
In my family I am the eldest and only daughter out of 4. I am also the "scapegoat" child. My mother like yours relied heavily on me emotionally. It drained me. Nothing was ever good enough and she could never take responsibility for the abuse I've (and my brothers to a degree) suffered as children. She has what I call toxic amnesia. Infact I'd go as far to say she's completely narcissistic.

When we were nc the first time like you I worried I'd regret my decision should something happen to her and my heart would absolutely ache to have a mum just be a mother and in my head I think I forgot how toxic our relationship was.
After a long talk where she made all the right noises we began contact. BUT before to long the same old crap came back etc, telling me about her sex life, playing me and my brothers off each other, not hearing when her husband was down right nasty to me and my children, demanding my time and energy daily. Blaming me for my dad leaving when I was 4, blaming me for her affairs. It was my fault my step dad had nc with his children etc. Oh god I could go on and on.
Then I suffered my 6th mc after 3 rounds of fertility meds. I was absolutely gutted but she couldn't even show me compassion not a hug a kind word nothing. In fact my mc was a good excuse for her to gain sympathy.
It was like the fog lifted I looked at her one day talking about herself and felt nothing. No love no hate nothing. In fact while she was talking about how mentally ill she was and how should look after her and I thought "why am I wasting my life wanting a loving mother daughter relationship with you when I've got 2 daughters of my own to have that with" and that was that. Sorry for going on about my situation but I just really want you to know that your not alone and lots of mother/daughter relationships are very toxic but it's almost taboo talking about it in real life. I get " but she's your mum" like that automatically makes her a healthy parent and give her free rein to treat me how she likes. It's hard for people with lovely mums to understand going nc. For someone like me my heart breaks for you.

In some ways I'm glad I gave it a second chance. I now know 100% it was the right thing and won't have any regrets. My life and mental health is 10000's better now
Your mum like mine will never be the mother you wish for because they aren't capable of it ( sorry if that sounds harsh) If you do decide to have contact again be very careful with your heart. Look after yourself in the relationship because chances are she won't. Also believe actions not words, it's so easy to be dragged back into a vicious toxic circle.
Be prepared to go nc again and set very firm boundaries.

Good luck x

LadyChaddersly Thu 05-Oct-17 11:56:15

I hope you find the right path forward for yourself, PP have been really sweet it's good to know we are not the only ones with toxic GPs...

My kids know that my dad exists but that he was so horrible to me that I dont' see him anymore. I didn't think it was sensible to tell them he was dead or something because - sadly he is alive and kicking and beating cancer and all sorts of other illnesses that kill better people off angry
But the only time my ever so gregarious daughter met my dad was at my brothers wedding 6 years ago, she is the type of kid to climb up into the cab of the bin lorry and tweak the dustman on the nose, but she took one look at my horrible wolflike dad and hid behind my legs. she has never done that before or since so I consider her a good judge of character! There's enough stress in day to day life without having to emotionally bolster a narcissist who vampires out all your energy. Make room for nicer things in your life I say. Like you lovely kids. Blood isn't thicker than water in my experience. big hugs x star

LibertyHill Thu 05-Oct-17 12:36:47

Maybe now that you realise she is a fallible human and unlikely to ever change and become the Mum you crave, you could have limited contact with her. Sort of like having a relationship with this newly recognised person rather than the person in your head.

I always think it's worth trying but I would be dipping my toe in and not jumping into anything.

ShoeOnTheOtherFoot Thu 05-Oct-17 21:58:18

Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate that you have taken the time to reply and to share your experiences.

I fully agree that any contact would have to be extremely limited, and therefore acknowledge that me making contact again is purely out of fear that I may regret NC, as well as guilt that it is putting my mum through a great deal of pain.

Getting back in contact would be to try and support her needs again. To try and be good enough. To try and develop a loving mother daughter relationship. I have tried this for 30 years and have not been able to succeed.

What a pp said about using time to ensure a loving relationship with her child has really resonated with me. I will definitely remember that. That is what I need to put my energy into.

Also, pp is right, just because we aren't all perfect, it doesn't give her carte blance to abuse me emotionally. I also have to make sure that I protect my son from that.

I'm not sure that the feeling of getting back in touch will ever go away, but after having the opportunity to reflect, I can say that getting back in touch is 99% likely to cause a dramatic increase in my anxiety levels. I finally have panic attacks under control and don't fancy self sabotaging that.

Thank you to all those that have been wonderfully supportive. flowers

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