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My husbands affair!

(86 Posts)
Princesscharming Mon 02-Oct-17 12:17:16

I recently turned 40 and for my 40th birthday present I discovered my husband had been having an affair with someone 10 years younger than me and 20 years younger than him! This has floored my confidence (was already sensitive about turning 40) and left me gobsmacked that the man I thought I knew better than anyone else could do this to me. He claims it’s over and says it wasn’t a ‘big thing’ to him, just a silly mid life crisis. I have seen text message from him to her saying he loves her and he misses her and ‘his heart pines for her’ but yet he claims there was no physical contact. Not even hand holding. I don’t understand how you can love someone and not even have held their hand!
Anyway, he said it’s over and there has been no contact at all since I found out (he works with her) and that he wants me back.
I don’t know what to do, we have a 10 year old DD who loves her Dad BUT what if he does this again (i don’t trust him anymore). And I find out 5 yrs down the line when I’m 5 yrs older!
Throughout the duration of the affair he was awful to me. He’d shout at me and make me feel horrendous, I’d be obviously upset, crying etc and he would continue to say hurtful things. Since I have found out about the affair his personality has changed back to loving caring one.
I’m really confused, has anyone else been in the same situation?

splendidisolation Mon 02-Oct-17 12:18:27

Leave him. Seriously.

Pogmella Mon 02-Oct-17 12:21:00

I'm one month down the line from you and hes just started admitting to physical stuff- he said exactly the same at the start. We are divorcing.

iggleypiggly Mon 02-Oct-17 12:21:35

Leave him. You and your DC deserve better. Why live a life of paranoia and insecurity? What would you tell a friend in the same situation??

MerryMarigold Mon 02-Oct-17 12:22:45

I think he should move out. You don't need to get divorced immediately, but let the burden be on him to prove himself to you. Give it a year and see whether his new found freedom sends him into her arms. If it does, you have your answer. If he really, really tries hard and does what you require to rebuild your trust then you have a different outcome. If he can't be bothered to try whilst he is not under your roof, you also have your answer.

KarateKitten Mon 02-Oct-17 12:23:05

There's no coming back from this. You can try to convince yourself that whatever he had is over and you are moving on together but that will never ever change the fact that he's a lying cheating bastard and now never will not be.

ferando81 Mon 02-Oct-17 12:26:38

You have to ask yourself the hard question.Is he coming back to you because he loves you ?Or has reality set in and he knows a divorce will leave him poorer with less access to his daughter -and he doesn't fancy that .
Can you live with him if the later is the truth?

Taylor22 Mon 02-Oct-17 12:27:03

He can't even be honest with you now. Of course he's shagged her. They work together and he loves her.
He's not sorry about the affair. He's sorry you found out.

You are by no means passed it or anything to the affect. You can still live a full life with love and happiness. But e can't give you that.

Thebluedog Mon 02-Oct-17 12:35:34

You are me 10 years ago...
I found out my now exDH was having an affair with a work colleague who was 16 years his junior. I found out as he left a text message on his phone (I had found clues but up to this point nothing concrete), saying 'just got home, off to bed, I love you xxx'

He broke off the affair immediately and said nothing physical happened. We tried again as we had a 2yr old dd.

He minimised everything, I got half truths, when I asked him things he either told me the bare minimum or said he couldn't remember. I hurt for years after as he never gave me the full story to recover from or make any decision on.

I found out 3 YEARS LATER that he had actually slept with her several times - it was like the wound was torn open again.

We are now divorced and I felt at the time I'd wasted a further 3 years on him. I never trusted him again and it was always bubbling under rather the surface and would appear after arguments etc.

So when I hear similar stories I always say 'just leave' you'll never be able to recover and even if you do, it will never be the same

I'm sure some people might be able to get over an affair if you get all the details and the other party is remorseful, but I couldn't

Good luck op flowers

CanIBuffalo Mon 02-Oct-17 12:39:01

What would he be doing now if he hadn't been found out?

Bekabeech Mon 02-Oct-17 12:39:30

Your DD loves her Dad, great. She can still love him if you are divorced.
But if you stay together and this becomes a pattern it could destroy her love when she finds out.

Anecdoche Mon 02-Oct-17 12:42:46

i think thats even worse. he crapped all over you. risked your sexual health. made a mockery of your marriage. made decision after decision after decision after decision to betray you, lie to you, make a fool of you...
for someone who meant nothing to him?

men say that like it is supposed to be a comfort. it isnt. you mean so little to me that i will have a meaningless fuck.

it isnt better.

Princesscharming Mon 02-Oct-17 12:56:18

TheBlueDog I’m sorry to hear you have had the same experience!! Thanks for your advice. My instinct is telling me that there’s more to his story than I’ll ever find out!! Xx

Princesscharming Mon 02-Oct-17 12:59:53

xx

Princesscharming Mon 02-Oct-17 13:01:14

xx

Santawontbelong Mon 02-Oct-17 13:01:47

I doubt he has finished her either.

Brokenlife Mon 02-Oct-17 13:01:55

There's an infidelity support thread further down where you can see different answers as I feel MN is always focused on LTB.

Briefly I am going through something similar at the moment, perfect 14 years marriage and H stepped aside to stroke his ego... not easy, I am broken, my life feels shattered. I haven't made a full decision yet, today I choose to give us another chance, tomorrow it may be different.

Only you know deep in your heart if your H is a repeat offender type or not, if he made a huge mistake that he'll regret for the rest of his life. Only he can show you his remorse and fix it all but it is a long ride.

Nobody else can give you the answer and it isn't always black or white. I wish it was...

Take care of yourself.

SandyY2K Mon 02-Oct-17 13:02:38

So he was nasty to you.

It only 'ended when you found out.

He says it was nothing.

He still works with her.

Why do you tbibj5 it's over? Because he told you?
Because he's nice again?

He's appeasing you and is probably low contact with her until it blows over.

Why has he done to show remorse?

If he believes you'd never leave him...he'll do it again. Assuming he actually stops.

I have seen text message from him to her saying he loves her and he misses her and ‘his heart pines for her’ but yet he claims there was no physical contact. Not even hand holding

Why on earth do you believe him?
This is your mistake. You're believing his lies and that naivety will bite you in the backside.

Princesscharming Mon 02-Oct-17 13:02:53

Didn't think of it that way!!! You are so right!!

Mayhemmumma Mon 02-Oct-17 13:04:35

He's lying. Make your 40s fun and be free of his crap.

Santawontbelong Mon 02-Oct-17 13:04:48

I seriously doubt it's his heart that missing her. .
Get yourself checked out op.

Princesscharming Mon 02-Oct-17 13:04:59

I hope you find your answer too. Good luck x

Brandnewstart Mon 02-Oct-17 13:09:40

I've been through it 3 years ago. She is 16 years younger than him I think, he is 10 years older than me.
He only told me the truth that they had slept together when I asked him to swear on our childrens' lives. Not my finest moment but I was desperate.
In the time he was having the affair, he vilified me, even writing a list of all my faults. It was an awful, awful time.
I kicked him out and he is now living with her and her child.
I have a new partner and ex sees the children very regularly.
It feels like he died but I still have to see him. I am happier but feel the children have been punished for his mistake - I never wanted to bring them up between two houses.
I'm sorry but I really doubt they haven't slept together. It's all about minimising the damage to himself at the moment. Be prepared for him to say the right things now but it's doubtful he means it. Mine even asked if he could come back if he made a mistake!! Umm, no I don't need to be second best ever.
I'll be honest, it does still hurt sometimes. I wish I had counselling at the time. Thankfully I have amazing work colleagues, two of them had been through the same thing.
Take care xxx

Brandnewstart Mon 02-Oct-17 13:11:51

Ps they also work together, and the biggest factor is kicking him out was the fact he wouldn't leave his job. I couldn't live with that.

Princesscharming Mon 02-Oct-17 13:14:50

Brandnewstart: it’s like listening to my own story!! What an arse hole! My husband said he wouldn’t cheat on me because he wouldn’t do it to our DD!!! What an awful lie!

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