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'but I earn all the money'

(234 Posts)
Delatron Sun 01-Oct-17 20:48:06

Just had a humdinger of a row with DH.

Background; when we met I had a decent career but he was a very high earner . Had children, I got breast cancer so was agreed I would stay at home and recover, look after 2 small children. His career is full on, think long trips away at the last minute, late nights etc. I did go back to work full time when kids were babies but I had to do everything still in the home (hindsight this was a mistake but he wasn't physically there!) then got the cancer diagnosis.

Fast forward 7 years. I've retrained and work part time. We've both agreed this works as I am around for the kids and he gets to further his career and do everything he needs to last minute (if I could go back in time I wouldn't do this!)

So is it fair enough for him to throw the 'I earn all the money' card in my face? And 'you could always get a full time job' or even a 'job'.??

So no recognition of anything I do. That I've created a new business out of nothing that allows me to still do everything around the home. He gets his meals cooked, laundry done. He does nothing to do with the kids or house during the week. So unappreciative. I feel like divorcing him but not sure if I'm over reacting.

I know I should have held on to my career so I don't want this thread to be about that.

It's just the utter contempt he's shown me and the lack of appreciation. He would never have got all his promotions if he'd been running off doing the school run...

I guess it suits him to say to me now to get a full time job. Just as the kids are older and he's reached partner level...

sparklymarion Sun 01-Oct-17 20:53:00

Stop doing his ironing for a week the prat may appreciate you a bit more his comment is absolutely out of order !

MyBrilliantDisguise Sun 01-Oct-17 20:53:27

I think contempt kills a marriage quicker than anything else. How dare he talk to you like that?

DermotOLogical Sun 01-Oct-17 20:53:30

What was the row about?

Yes he should value your contribution to the household.

DermotOLogical Sun 01-Oct-17 20:54:16

Echo the posters above re stop doing his stuff. Or bill him for it.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 01-Oct-17 20:56:16

What prompted him to make the comment?

Have you told him how hurt you are?

And contempt is certainly a marriage killer!

You ought to move out for a week so he can walk in your shoes

SchnitzelVonKrumm Sun 01-Oct-17 20:56:31

I'd leave just for that.

Delatron Sun 01-Oct-17 20:57:03

I've already told him I'm not doing anything for him from now on..

Just shocking that after this was all agreed that he would throw it back in my face.

Row was about organising a tutor for our son. I was trying to work out timings around school clubs so hadn't got round to it and he was nagging and saying he'd do it if I didn't have time and why hadn't I done it.

kuniloofdooksa Sun 01-Oct-17 20:58:41

He's a git and you need to work out whether he has sufficient redeeming qualities to be worth working on the relationship, which would require him to start respecting and appreciating you in order to be salvageable.

Everything that the two of you have achieved over the last decade or whatever has been teamwork. You couldn't have done what you have without him and he couldn't have done what he has without you. All the money and assets belong to you both equally (though let's hope for now that the relationship can survive so nothing will need to be split). However many years of 24 hours a day of cooking housekeeping and childcare services would have been very, very expensive, but it's not about the money it's about respecting that both of you have worked very hard to put together the life you share, and the fact that one type of work is rewarded economically does not mean that the one who did that work gets greater claim on it. You are a partnership. That is what marriage means. If he didn't want that he should have stayed single and enjoyed all his money in splendid isolation with no family to love or be loved by.

Delatron Sun 01-Oct-17 20:59:14

I cried all the way home in the car but kids were there so didn't want to argue anymore. I took my wedding ring off in front of him.

I'm so incensed I can't even speak to him. I'm going to gather my thoughts but right now I'm googling divorce lawyers!

Delatron Sun 01-Oct-17 21:00:48

Thanks kuniloofdooksa. That's exactly what I was trying to articulate but couldn't.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 01-Oct-17 21:02:36

Does he share this money with you?

HopefulHamster Sun 01-Oct-17 21:02:52

I think I'm too angry on your behalf to even write a coherent response. How DARE he?

ivykaty44 Sun 01-Oct-17 21:03:09

What's in the past is done.

Moving on I'd look long and hard at what you are doing and what work you want to do - then go for it.

Cleaning cooking etc can be shared 50|50 as can childcare. Obviously 🙄 this may not fit with his work - then he may need to make alternate arrangements

HopefulHamster Sun 01-Oct-17 21:03:25

Does he think he'd be a high flyer if he gave birth, had cancer and supported a partner by doing it all for them?

Delatron Sun 01-Oct-17 21:04:22

Oh I know HopefulHamster I'm so angry I can't even be near him.

QuiteLikely5 yes he does. We have a joint account.

RebornSlippy Sun 01-Oct-17 21:04:37

So get a full time job. And let him pick up the inevitable slack on the homefront. Or pay someone to do so.

What are your feelings about returning to full time work? Your kids are older, so you most likely could do so without it affecting them too much. Assuming the housework aspect was sorted, whether by paid help or your husband doing his share, is this something that you want to do?

Your husband has shown that he is an unappreciative twat. Believe him and protect yourself. We've seen it too many times on these boards. Women who find themselves dependant on men due to deciding to stay at home. If the marriage hits the skids, you will be left in the shits.

So, my advice would be to take his. Find a job, expand your business. Do whatever it is that needs to be done to protect yourself financially. Never let him throw this in your face again.

Ragusa Sun 01-Oct-17 21:04:44

Has he cottoned on that if you got divorced he could very well find himself having the kids 50% of the time?? What a total shit. You are not overreacting. At all.

mumonashoestring Sun 01-Oct-17 21:05:06

Bellend. DH is a SAHD, it was a choice we made together and I'd never dream of throwing it back in his face like that.

Have you ever used an 'unpaid work' calculator? It can be quite an eye opener for people to see just how much value housework, childcare, laundry, cooking, shopping etc have, especially if you're as hung up on money as your not-so-D H is www.ons.gov.uk/visualisations/dvc376/index.html

Therealslimshady1 Sun 01-Oct-17 21:05:39

What is your financial situation? Have you got some money in your name?

Delatron Sun 01-Oct-17 21:06:17

ivykaty44. The problems with splitting it before were that he just wasn't here. He gets home about 9pm. Travels a few times per month. Client dinners at least once a week.

Thinkingaboutarevolution Sun 01-Oct-17 21:07:41

Did he say it in a heat-of-the-moment massive argument...and if so might he apologise shame fadedly once he has calmed down. I hope so.

To be honest I would have been highly irritated/insulted by the whole criticism implied in him saying he would organise the tutor. Let alone the rest.

DermotOLogical Sun 01-Oct-17 21:08:11

He sounds like a twat.

How rude to challenge you about the tutor and then throw this in your face.

You have achieved as a team. My husband stays at home more than I do. You know what, I respect him and how great it is that he can be at home and care for our son. We are a total team and I'm proud of him.

Delatron Sun 01-Oct-17 21:09:03

House in both our names. With about 500j equity. Second house we rent out in both names. £400k equity.

I am not averse to working full time but it would be at such a low level and low pay.

The industry I have retrained in pays well hourly I just need to build my business up more and that could take a year or two.

Sistersofmercy101 Sun 01-Oct-17 21:09:07

Delatron you're NOT wrong at all... The "money" card is a totally false fallacy - as you've said without your massive personal financial sacrifice I.e. Your professional career retrain and serious hard work with house and DC where would he be?? But worst of all and the MASSIVE RED FLAG is the contempt behind the words - just hideous. I'm so sorry flowers For what my twopence is worth, you have my admiration, you've done everything possible, remade your working life, retrained, started a business, all for the betterment of your children - (and that's after/whilst recovering from cancer) they've got a wonderful mama! You deserve so much better than what he's thrown at you!! sad

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