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To have told DH that I don't want to stay at MIL's house?

(57 Posts)
Mittens1969 Sun 01-Oct-17 17:43:57

I've posted on here before about my MIL. We're going to be visiting her during the half-term holiday, on the way back from visiting my DSis and her family, which I am looking forward to as they have moved a long way away.

Originally, we were going to stay in her house for a night, then my DH got this idea in his head that I'd suggested we could stay with her for 2 nights. I never said any such thing, I don't know where he got that idea from.

Now I've said that I actually don't want to stay her house overnight at all, and DH has booked a room at the nearest premier inn; the DDs always like staying in those places so that will work well.

I always feel very claustrophobic in MIL's house, as she's a massive hoarder and loves to spend the time talking to DH about something she's dug out whilst sorting out her things. It's a very difficult place to take the DDs to, but I can cope for a few hours at a time.

But I think the reason why I'm more stressed than previous times is that MIL smacked DD1 with a slipper when she was staying at our house last time and I'm wary of staying with her for any length of time. I know that DD1 can really press people's buttons, but as far as I'm concerned there's no excuse for that ever.

Tbf, my DH agrees on this, and he has promised to tell her it mustn't happen again. We only know what DD1 has told us; MIL left the following day and it hasn't been brought up with her.

AIBU to be wary about spending time with her? There's no doubt the DDs love her so contact with her is positive mostly. I just want to make sure there's no repeat.

2014newme Sun 01-Oct-17 17:45:21

I would not go at all personally the slipper incident would have been the final straw

Mittens1969 Sun 01-Oct-17 17:59:19

That's my instinct but I have history of not liking MIL all that much so it's difficult for me to say it without me just sounding like a bitch. I'm hoping that if we make it very clear to her that it's not on at all she will respect that. But I don't know that I'll ever trust her again.

I do know that she used the slipper on DH and BIL when they were growing up. It never occurred to me that she would do it to our DDs.

Ttbb Sun 01-Oct-17 18:01:28

I would have stopped talking to her if she had hit one of my children. YANBU at all IMO

8misskitty8 Sun 01-Oct-17 18:02:27

Smacking children with an object is illegal op, even for a parent. So your mil has actually committed a crime by doing that to your Dd.

Your husband should have had a word with her at the time of the slipper incident and not left it until now.
Personally if it was me I wouldn't be going anywhere near mil.

PotteringAlong Sun 01-Oct-17 18:03:10

How can she have hit your daughter with a slipper and it's not been brought up with her?!

Appuskidu Sun 01-Oct-17 18:07:54

WTF-your child told you that your mother in law hit them with a slipper but you haven't investigated it? At all? And you agreed to visit her for a night?! Something doesn't sound right here.

McButtonwillow Sun 01-Oct-17 18:11:48

YANBU not wanting to say but I also think you're underreacting over the slipper incident- how can you or your DH not have raised this with her before now?!

Topseyt Sun 01-Oct-17 18:48:03

Certainly raise the slipper incident with her firmly this time. Tell her that it must never happen again and that she will not see the children again unsupervised by either you or your DH.

Personally, I think it is for the best that you are staying in the Premier Inn. Keep that as a system. Also tell her that when she comes to your house she will be in a hotel because you cannot trust her not to hit your children.

Mittens1969 Sun 01-Oct-17 18:58:33

I know, because we don’t see her much it was easier to put off having that conversation with her. It’s hard because I have history of not getting on with her. I’ve told my DH to tell her it must never happen again.

I know it’s illegal. And SS are involved because of DD1’s needs (Cild in Need), so it could get us in trouble too. So that’s why I’ve spoken to DH, and we won’t be staying in her house or eating there, just eating out.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 01-Oct-17 18:58:47

You should have raised the incident with her at the time - but it's not too late to cancel the visit entirely and tell her why.

2014newme Sun 01-Oct-17 19:02:09

Yes it is easier to ignore children being abused. But it's not right. You should have addressed this.

Santawontbelong Sun 01-Oct-17 19:10:21

Sorry but I wouldn't trust your dh to tell her. He is obviously used to her abusive ways. .
Send her a message saying sorry but your dd isn't available but dh will make his own arrangements to spend time with her.

HopefullyAnonymous Sun 01-Oct-17 19:13:50

Another one struggling to see why your DH wouldn't have just called her to get to the bottom of it! She hit your child with an object and no one mentioned it? At all? hmm

Mrskeats Sun 01-Oct-17 19:15:36

You are going to see the woman that hit your child and your husband hasn't had it out with her?
Wow.

StaplesCorner Sun 01-Oct-17 19:26:06

MIL left the following day and it hasn't been brought up with her.

I'm questioning your judgement as a parent, and that of your DH. Not just when it happened, but now as you are going to see her again. How along ago was this?

Mittens1969 Sun 01-Oct-17 19:35:53

I know, I think you’re right. It just stunned me, and as we haven’t seen her, I’ve just put off seeing her. It was a question of finding the courage actually, my DH gets so defensive about it, and is minimising it at the moment.

I guess I’m affected by the parenting of my childhood as well. My DM once caned my DB for not being able to do his Maths homework. I’m able to be assertive with her though and I know she won’t hit the DDs.

But I’m struggling here because of the history between myself and MIL.

Mittens1969 Sun 01-Oct-17 19:38:01

It was about 5 months ago now, we’ve seen her once since then, and only for a couple of hours. I’ve managed to keep her very much at arm’s length, but I haven’t confronted her, no.

Mrskeats Sun 01-Oct-17 19:42:31

Well be assured that caning a child for not being able to do their homework is shocking and abusive too.
However, this is your child and you get to say how they are brought up.
You and your husband need to find some courage and deal with this.

keeponworking Sun 01-Oct-17 19:48:14

OP this is the sort of denial that social services are so attuned to - you could have been clearer in sorting the matter, your DH doesn't even want to acknowledge it - and that in combination could really get S/s twitchy because it shows a lack of insight, of understanding. MIL sounds bloody abusive and should be nowhere near your children either on a visit passing through regardless of who stays where - if a stranger had hit your child with a slipper, you'd have reported them to the police wouldn't you? It being a relative doesn't make it more acceptable, it makes it less! You shouldn't be going at all - my DH could go, but none of my children would. The ONE thing that S/s will react to, is people who they feel just 'don't get it' - don't understand how grave the situation really is, how unacceptable. You need to show that you've dealt with it by not providing exposure of your children to this woman (with or without your DHs approval or involvement). With his backing and involvement is WAY more preferable though and he needs to understand that if he fails to step up on this topic he could cause problems for your family by keeping his head in the sand.

QueenArseClangers Sun 01-Oct-17 20:00:19

How does your DD feel about the fact that you've swept her being assaulted under the carpet?
If someone hit my child with a slipper I'd feel like twatting them myself not fucking paying a friendly visit hmm
Why on earth would you expose your children to someone who thinks they can assault them?
Do you want them to grow up with fucked up boundries just like you and your husband?

2014newme Sun 01-Oct-17 20:01:59

If you won't protect your child who will?
Is this why ss are already involved in your family?

Mittens1969 Sun 01-Oct-17 20:07:44

I think in my case, I’ve been minimising again, following the same pattern I have all my life, I did it when my father abused me. The hitting wasn’t a major thing for me, because it was a small thing compared to the other things that happened to me, and to my DB and DSis, but of course it was still abusive. My DM admits that she knew my father smacked us too hard but she did nothing. (She didn’t know about the other stuff apparently.)

And the DDs do have a bond with MIL, so I don’t want to stop contact altogether. I want to make sure she never does it again. But it does need to be DH that does it; I have too much history of not getting on with her.

Mittens1969 Sun 01-Oct-17 20:10:06

No, it’s not why SS are involved. The DDs are adopted so SS have always known about us. Then we asked for their help with DD1’s behaviour. The violence has been from her to me and to DD2. MIL has only done it that once.

Mittens1969 Sun 01-Oct-17 20:18:05

I also have past issues with childhood SA, and PTSD, it led to me drinking too much and asking for help from SS. They have actually been great.

This is something that I did not expect. I knew MIL had very traditional ideas about child rearing, got impatient with the DDs and made comparisons with her own childhood. But I never expected her to actually use the slipper. As far as I know, she’s never done it with the other grandchildren. I had no reason at all to think she would take it upon herself to discipline them.

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