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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Trickle Truth

56 replies

user21 · 01/10/2017 17:33

Post Affair.
How long is it acceptable to tolerate this?

He has worked so hard for reconciliation. But still new details/lies are being revealed.

It's tough and I don't know how much more I can take.

OP posts:

Report

user21 · 02/10/2017 04:31

Anyone?

Please be gentle

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 02/10/2017 05:11

Sounds like you should have a discussion where you ask him to tell you absolutely everything. Have you done this already?

Please consider that you don't have to forgive him and he may want to reconcile but it's your choice too

HoneyWheeler · 02/10/2017 05:14

No real advice, but I just wanted to say If it's not ok for you then it's not ok. This is a period of time in your relationship where you get to set the boundaries- and if he can't or won't work to them it's a different conversation.

user21 · 02/10/2017 05:15

Thank you.

Yes, we have had that discussion a few times and he says he's told me everything.

Then I discover more.

OP posts:

user21 · 02/10/2017 05:16

Every time I think that's it and work on processing the information I have.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2017 05:21

Is it him explaining what you have found out then having to explain more as you find more out OR is he drip-feeding details himself?

Because he’s still lying his arse off if it’s the first. And that’s not how someone builds trust. It’s just proving he’s an untrustworthy liar. You can’t start to trust someone who is actively lying to you.

The second, that he’s admitting to more and owning up, that’s different. There’s guilt and he’s trying. You still don’t have to accept it but it’s not designed to deceive.

user21 · 02/10/2017 05:24

It's a bit of both MrsTP but mostly the latter.

Minimising

OP posts:

user21 · 02/10/2017 05:28

He's still deceiving me though isn't he?
If I ask outright and he lies.

I really thought we were getting there, and now I'm back in the depths of despair.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2017 05:31

Yes. It’s like you’re trying to heal and the wound keeps getting opened up.

Was it a long affair? Because I wonder if he’s got into the habit of constantly lying to you. Or maybe he always felt the easiest way to get what he wants is lying.

I’ve often said that one of the worst things about infidelity isn’t the sex but the fact that the cheater gets to make decisions based on all the facts while the partner doesn’t get to make the same choices. You get to make decisions based on half truths and assumptions. He’s still doing that to you.

user21 · 02/10/2017 05:33

I can't believe he's put us back when we had got so far and I'm not sure I have the strength to try and get there again.

They're minor details but things I had specifically asked him.

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user21 · 02/10/2017 05:35

Thank you MrsTP

That's exactly how/what I think and feel.

2 years

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2017 05:38

What’s his explanation for the lying?

lollipop7 · 02/10/2017 05:40

You gave him another chance

You seem to have made it very clear that he needed to be totally honest, leave no stone unturned so you could move forward together.

I feel so sad for you as I can tell how distressed he has made you again. The thing is, you only have two real choices here or at least I think you do: by allowing this to continue provide a tacit acceptance which it seems he will abuse, or, draw a line in the sand and say enough.

The nature of the admissions are almost irrelevant compared to the very real message he is sending to you: that he was more interested in saving his skin than giving you all the details you needed to make an informed decision about your future.

If you still love him I think it's ultimately impossible to stay and live with the hurt. If you can deal with it then you don't love him or yourself enough to warrant putting up with his shit. So for me it would be over.

I'm sorry you're going through this. 💐

PastaOfMuppets · 02/10/2017 05:52

The affair itself might be long over but it's still alive for you if this is still happening. I would've ended it by now if after 2 years I still hadn't had the full complete and absolute truth, not drip fed to me and found out by stealth. Sorry OP.

PastaOfMuppets · 02/10/2017 05:53

And to add - "He has worked so hard for reconciliation" and a man still not completely honest to his wife are not really consistent are they.

user21 · 02/10/2017 06:13

The affair was 2 years and we're just over a year on

OP posts:

user21 · 02/10/2017 06:16

His says the reason was to save me from further hurt and they're minor things compared to other shocking details he had already voluntarily confessed to.

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AdalindSchade · 02/10/2017 06:20

If he’s still lying then you aren’t working on it at all, and he’s not done the work he needs to do to minimise the risk of it happening again. Right now your marriage is as vulnerable as ever because he’s not contrite enough.
A 2 year affair and he’s still lying? I think it may be time to finally accept the marriage is over

user21 · 02/10/2017 06:36

Just to be clear.
The lies relate back to events during the affair, not since.

OP posts:

Fabulousdahlink · 02/10/2017 06:44

Is he capable of full disclosure?
Are you seeing a counsellor together?
Whilst you may love him and yearn to have a 'clean sheet' it may be that a) he is not capable of the honesty you need to move on or b) not wish to be completely honest.
He may not be brave enough..or care enough..or care too much .
He may have other emotional issues you are or not aware of. Professional counselling rather than'talking together' will certainly help.
For me, the deal breaker would be if he is fully committed to counselling..there is a chance for full disclosure and working through the issues that cause the behaviour and personal growth. The risk is that he may not be able to do this, or be unwilling to go there..or that what you need here..he is unwilling to or cannot provide.
Whilst you may have unlimited capacity for love and forgiveness, he may be unwilling or unable to give you that..and that is not enough. It is miserable to love and invest in a person who cannot give you what you need and lack of trust is corrosive to that union.It might never be enough for you and whilst you no doubt are trying very hard to move on, and despite his feelings of regret he may not be capable of meeting your needs.
I have huge respect for your bravery and commitment- it is clear you wish your marriage to be saved..just be aware that it might not be.
I am sure there will be plenty of people who will shout'go' but I do understand your need to know you have tried and done everything to keep the relationship intact..perhaps there are faith elements to your union as well as personal ones.
My husband was incapable of the full honesty I needed and he was emotionally incapable of returning the love I gave him. We are still married and shortly and sadly divorcing because the chasm between what I want from him he does not or cannot give. Counselling gave me the room to explore this and accept it. We had happy times and I did once love him deeply...but for my own self I could no longer keep giving knowing he could not meet my emotional needs. Good luck. Part of moving forward means being prepared to accept that you may move apart.

user21 · 02/10/2017 07:55

Thanks for replies.
I've read them and will think about what you've all said today and answer questions later as I have to leave for work now.

He has agreed to do a timeline with full disclosure.

OP posts:

cakecakecheese · 02/10/2017 08:58

The thing is though he'll do his 'timeline and full disclosure' but will you believe it? He's said he's told you everything on previous occasions but that turned out not to be true so how could you ever fully trust him again?

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ChicRock · 02/10/2017 09:06

The problem with little drip feeds and uncovering yet more lies is that it takes you right back to square 1 again. Any work that's been done to build trust is just completely shattered all over again.

If you want to give him another chance (and personally, after a year and he's still lying, I'd be packing his bags for him) you need to have a conversation where you tell him you want to know everything and make it clear that if you uncover one more lie after that conversation, then it's over.

But I'm guessing you've already had that conversation and didn't follow through.

Or, you draw a line in the sand, accept that you'll never know the full truth from him and move on - stop discussing it, stop asking questions etc. Not something I could do.

Shoxfordian · 02/10/2017 09:08

Is the timeline really going to help though? .

If you're finding it hard to trust him again then you should consider whether you do want to carry on with the relationship

lollipop7 · 02/10/2017 09:22

I'm not sure this will resolve anything because how will you know it's the whole truth?

Also, this is no basis for any relationship post affair or not.

Flip

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