Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Need words of wisdom... is this just me.(217 Posts)
Okay so this is going to be a long one. Apologies in advance...
I have a very good male friend and for the purpose of this thread I shall name him headfuck.
We have been friends for around 5 years and the friendship has increased as the years have gone by. He's single, very traditional and honestly for me quite perfect.
He was by my side during a messy separation. A separation which is still ongoing as for many reasons we can't sell the house just yet. We do however live separate lives and have separate bedrooms etc.
So anyway. Headfuck (hf) as I said has been there throughout it all. My total rock. We went from spending all our time on group outings together to going out alone.
Meals, cinema, concerts. Just anything really. He even used to come and do my supermarket shop with me ffs.
He would meet me after work and we would just sit in the car and chat for hours.
We sent (and still do) a huge skint of texts. We talk every day and he calls me before he goes to bed without fail.
We have SO much in common. It's ridiculous and all of our friends have noticed it. I started to develop feelings but was worried it wasn't reciprocated so bottled it. Just carried on being friends who basically acted like a couple without the sex.
He had the opportunity to go and work away in America for a year in January and on our last night out I sobbed in the cab home. I was distraught.
He went and I did some serious thinking. I come clean and told him how I felt and that I couldn't continue this half life. That I wanted to be with him and if he didn't agree then when he's back to the UK we have to calm down all the contact as we will never find a partner being so heavily invested in eachother and even if we did. There wouldn't be a man or woman alive who would be comfortable with our level of friendship.
His answer was I don't see you that way because you've been married in the past, you have children (who he has met and idolises), and you're older than me. He agreed with essentially what I was saying but said when he meets someone and gets married it wants it to be their first time. First time to have children etc
I do kind of understand that I guess but he's 27 now. Most people will have a history. I am 34.
So at that point with him being so far away I thought I would create some distance. It hasn't worked.
He's coming back soon (Jan) and we still speak every day. In fact more on the phone that we ever have. I wake up to texts.
He tells me how much he misses me. That be will cry when he sees me. That he can't wait to hug me, smell me. Go out.
We have even booked a weekend away to the highlands in a remote cottage ffs. 2 bedrooms though i should add.
I just don't know what to think or do anymore.
He's very mature in some senses but immature in others. Deep down I think be feels the same but his ideals stop him. His family have passed comment on our friendship and informed him he's " too young to take on all I have" and I can see their point but what about the fact that I know I will never find someone who I have that connection with and I seriously doubt he will. He would never admit all this though I suppose.
I just know that forever I will look for him in anyone I try to replace him with if that's what it will take
And I truly believe he will be the same.
Also not sure if it's worth mentioning. I know he's very sexually inexperienced. Hasn't had sex for well nearly as long as me and that's a good few years lol.
So I don't know if that plays a part.
I'm not sure why I'm even writing this really. I just feel like I am cracking up with the you say one thing and act another way feelings. I need some MN wisdom
Name changed for his as I like to resemble a mature adult. Not a silly teen haha
And by skint
I mean amount...
Gotta love autocorrect
He is happy with the no sex thing. That would make it a non starter for me regardless.
Deep down I think be feels the same but his ideals stop him if his idealised view of what he is looking for is stopping him, then he doesn't really feel the same, does he?
My first thought reading this - is he gay? That would make sense of wanting to be besties with you but not actually have sex. Sounds like he's in the closet.
Why do you want to be with someone who sees you as tainted goods?
He's willing to benefit from spending a lot of time with you but not willing to step up to a mature relationship.
He sounds immature and inexperienced. He's told you he doesn't see a future for you so listen to him. It would wise to distance yourself from him as eventually you're going to get hurt.
With regards to his ideals. I think the point I was trying to make was he's so inexperienced he thinks relationships are like Disney films.
So okay the woman be meets might not have a history like mine. But there will be something... that's life.
Yes I've thought gay too
And the whole tainted goods thing. Yep that hurts and I've thought why aren't I good enough. It's just the effort he makes with everything else. It is not by any stretch of the imagination a normal friendship. That's why I think there must be something there.
Maybe I am kidding myself and I know deep down that I need to take a few huge steps back... I just can't. I could kick my myself. Repeatedly.
does he /would he tell you if he dated others? Even if he's not sleeping with them but just trying to line up a potential GF?
Is sex important to you? It sounds like he has a very low libido tbh UNLESS he does sleep with others whether you know it or not. I think if he honestly isn't dating anyone else and is dedicated to you emotionally, he has no chance meeting someone else anyway - but it HF because he may want you but then resent you too.
I mean 'but it IS hf...'' in last sentence.
I would honestly say to him this is not working for me. You are not allowing yourself to meet anyone else while you are caught up with him. He has told you he cant give you what you want. Knock the holiday and friendship on the head. Get a bit of distance. He then might, just might realise your value to him, instead of keeping you in standby mode. Get dating, go test the waters and make sure there really is no one else out there for you. You are living half a life with him and thats a waste.
The reality is that is he VERY immature. Far more than you probably want to acknowledge. Your age difference and difference of life experience is irrelevant. My husband of 7 years (together 9) is 12 years younger than I am. He had only one serious relationship before me. I was divorced with 2 children. We met, fell in love and there were no emotional games, which the two of you are playing right now.
You say you can't walk away, but that's just not true. You don't because you don't want to. But where are all these games going to get you? I say nowhere and fast. You're hindering your life by refusing to face reality.
You seem to be saying he feels more for you than he is admitting to. I think you need to accept it when he says he can't be with you, whatever his reasons.
Also if he can have such a connection with you but not want to act on it physically then there are issues there too.
You say he is coming back soon.
January is not soon. Don't put your life on hold until then.
Don't mean to hurt your feelings but unless I'm missing something, he really doesn't see you as a girlfriend/fancy you but just wants your emotional companionship/social life /conversation to be available for him to dip into whenever he wants.
A lot of men prefer socialising with women in the domestic way to other forms as we tend to be quite "giving" and easier going than men.
And yes it's easier hanging out with an uber supportive woman who wants to be your girlfriend than going out and meeting new women and dating them?(which he is doing or intends to do)
But a question to ask is what is he doing in terms of moving Your emotional life forward? ( and I don't mean using you as a social comfort blanket?)
Basically he seems selfish to take up all your time KNOWING you want him romantically but still wasting your emotional energy?
They have a saying "don't waste the pretty".
The more time you spend in dead end liaisons the less the chance is that you'll have the headspace to meet someone really outstanding who wants to be a proper partner to you, children and all.
You may find he gets involved with you but in the final reckoning doesn't settle with you. He's young, whole life ahead of him. He likes you but you've got kids and it's complicated.... So perhaps don't lose yourself in this guy.
You need to cut contact with this guy. He doesn't want you. Not only that but he judges you for having been married with kids. He's never going to want you but he will continue to use you as an emotional ego boost for as long as you will let him. He's selfishly stopping you from moving on so you need to cut him out of your life. That might sound drastic but he's totally ignored your request to reduce content which shows he doesn't care about your mental/emotional health.
Maybe deep down you like the fact it doesn't go anywhere. You're getting the benefit of having someone around without any of the real risks of a relationship. It's safe and comforting.
The fact is, if you really do want a relationship, you're too available for him. He has no incentive to change anything - why would he? The only way to get that to happen would be to back off, reduce contact and start living an independent life. That gives him the chance to realise what he's missing. If I were you, I'd start dating other people. What will probably happen will be that you'll find someone better and end up happily with them rather than chasing Mr Unavailable - because he is unavailable. He's told you that!
I suspect he finds that being with you fulfills a need in him. I don't wish to offend but is he using you as a sort of mother figure in some small way? I agree with PP's you really do need to see the immaturity in him. You are both holding each other back.
Agree with everyone else - this is not the man for you.
A tremendous ego boost for him. You are bolstering his self esteem until he meets the right person. It isn't you.
If I were you, my priority would be to sort out my living arrangements and learn to depend upon myself - emotionally.
I've just re read your post op and I can't get away from the feeling that this man is gay. If he is 'traditional' as you say then this wouldn't fit with his ideal and he could be denying it, even to himself.
On the used goods front my DH told me he would never have sought a relationship with me if I'd already had children when I met him. I can't explain that one from a woman's POV.
He will meet a woman who completely bowls him over, and you will be the collateral damage.
He is TELLING you how he feels. Listen to him.
I think, if it had been me, I would have cooled things after I realised he thought of me as spoiled goods.
You say you can't let go, but you are an adult and you need to be strong here. Tell him you've been doing some thinking and you need to step back for a while. Then work out how you're going to do that in practice. I honestly think cold turkey is the only way you'll manage.
Do you have any other good friends that can give you some emotional support while you adjust?
Hi you can see how he is with you when he comes back - but if it continues to go nowhere you do need to no contact. He knows your waiting for him. Don't waste years on an unavailable man. Has he dated at all in the time you have known him. Maybe he's looking for a virgin - maybe he's gay. These aren't your issues or confusion to sort. You have told him how you feel - I would give him one chance (absence makes the heart grown fonder and all that!!!!) and then you really really will have to remove him from your life. Good luck
The fact is, if you really do want a relationship, you're too available for him. He has no incentive to change anything - why would he?
I appreciate all the replies here. This is just what I needed.
I really don't think he's gay. But I have no proof on that. Just a gut feeling I get.
In the 5 years I've known him he hasn't had a girlfriend. Not even casual sex and I know
he would have told me. At least until I came clean on the feelings.
A couple of years back before all of this we had been out and both had a lot to drink. I was separated by this point. The cab dropped me back first and then him.
I had a text after I got out saying. I wish I could come and spend the night with you. But I can't because "he is still there" dh.
I am far to available for him. Absolutely nothing has changed for him.
I feel like a fool in all honesty
My fear is that I will be ditched when he meets someone and he suddenly has no time for me.
I am tempted to wait until he's back and see how he is then
I confessed over the phone.
This time I need to tell him to give me some space face to face.
Oh and maybe the mother thing might be a little true.
He's very close to him mother. Very, very close. I've never seen a young man to be so close to their mother really.
He asks her opinion on everything and hangs on every word she says.
I like to think I am close to my parents but his relationship with his mother is something else. In fact in our friendship group he's known as a mummys boy.
Last week he text me and said you remind me of my mum. I think that's why I love you. You both have the same thoughts and you're both the kindest people I know.
I had completely forgot about this. It's not looking great is is.
But then he will say quite sexually rude stuff to me.
Wouldn't speak to my mum like that lol
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.