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Decided to seperate, are doubts normal???

(21 Posts)
GullTQY Fri 29-Sep-17 12:57:48

I will keep this as simple but honest....

I have recently told my husband I want to separate. To be honest, I'm no sure whether this is a trial, or whether it's just a stepping stone towards divorce.

We have had a good 20 years but not without its troubles along the road. I've been unfaithful and he has been physically abusive from the start of the relationship, but he is not a woman beater, it happened when drink was involved most recently in front of my daughter.

I stopped seeing the man I was having an affair with 5 months ago (which my husband knew about for over a year) because his family dissaproved and he was given a choice by his daughter. Her or myself. He is not married or with anyone. He chose her and I have respected his decision. During the affair my husband and I continued to live in the same house but slept in seperate rooms for the last 8 months.

I have struggled to get over losing the man I was having an affair with and it has taken months to get back to be strong enough to face a broken marriage.

however I am struggling to follow through the decision to seperate from my husband. I still have feelings for the other man and despite us not being in a relationship anymore I think part of me hopes he will come back to me if I am single. he never wanted to be the reason to break up a marriage and didn't want my children to resent him. we agreed I would leave my marriage because it was the right thing to do, not because of him.

I made the decision that I needed a break my marriage over a month ago, the thought of my affair partner was not really a factor in my decision, it was all about me clearing my head and figuring out what it was I truly wanted, as being around my husband was getting harder and I didn't want it to affect the kids anymore than it was. However recently doubt has come into my mind whether I'm doing the right thing?! I'm so scared of making a mistake and upsetting everyone for no reason. I've not been on my own since I met my husband at 15 years old. I'm so scared of being alone and no one ever loving me again. I'm trying to find the strength within me to follow this through. I believe some time apart will show me the way forward, one way or.another the future will show itself.

Am I doing the right thing?? Why am I suddenly finding my decision hard to follow through now when before I was so sure?

Justbreathing Fri 29-Sep-17 13:25:24

yes it is the right thing. it sounds like a horrifically toxic environment for everyone involved

yetmorecrap Fri 29-Sep-17 13:35:44

I did something similar 27 years ago OP. Very hard at the time and for similar reasons to you. As it happened I did move on but not with the person I had a fling with. It was the right decision and to be honest despite being 'devastated' he was living with someone else within 6 months, wheereas I was not and to be honest she was far more suitable for him and they are still married. he wasnt a bad person at all, just wasnt right for me at 28--and I had been with him from 15 too, so i know how you feel. The idea of 'the one' is a very false fallacy in society, there are many 'the ones' and it can be different at different stages in life. You sound grounded and realistic and Im sure it will work out for the best.

GullTQY Tue 03-Oct-17 08:26:33

Things have moved on with the seperation. My husband is leaving at the weekend. We just have to tell the children now, which I'm dreading.

I can't help but have doubts still, I fear I'm doing this in the hope my affair partner finds his way back more than I am for myself. I saw him recently and he made it clear I need to do this for me not him as he might not ever come back to me, however im still having doubts.

I do believe if I dig deep, this needs to happen, not only is it not fair on my husband to carry on like nothing has happened, resenting him more, having regrets and what ifs, but I need to do this for myself, I need to know for my own piece of mind that we are seperating to sort all this out once and for all, whether my affiar partner comes back eventually, whether I sort out of my relationship with my husband, or whether I make it all on my own for years to come, this is the right thing for now.....right??

My head is a mess. My mum played the guilt trip card on me by saying she could never have hurt me and my brother when we were kids, no matter how hard it got at home. Little does she know I used to cry myself to sleep wishing she would leave my dad. Her comments have thrown me into doubt that is my marriage that bad? Am I hurting the kids unessescarily?

So confused this morning.

yetmorecrap Tue 03-Oct-17 09:19:47

Ignore your mother, she is not you

Myheartbelongsto Tue 03-Oct-17 09:34:35

Your mother will not be living your life.

Peanutbuttercheese Tue 03-Oct-17 09:34:46

Your husband is a woman beater regardless of if it only happens when he has been drinking in your opinion, that's you minimising it.

Never look back op, good luck.

CousinKrispy Tue 03-Oct-17 09:52:38

I think doubts are normal. They are probably normal in any separation, and definitely one where you have been abused.

Part of how abuse works is the abuser convincing you (whether in words or deeds) that you aren't capable of making your own decision, that you aren't as worthwhile as a human being as he is--that's why it's OK for him to hit you when he's drunk (in his eyes).

So any natural doubt caused by the pain of ending a longstanding relationship and disrupting everyone's lives is increased 100 times by the conditioning you've had from living in an abusive marriage.

Have you tried calling Women's Aid? You deserve all the support you can get right now. Some people (including your mother) just don't get it and have to be ignored. It takes a long time to work through the mental effects of being abused.

You are doing the right thing for you and for your kids.

GullTQY Tue 03-Oct-17 10:28:05

All these messages brought me to tears.

I sometimes feel like a fraud, like I'm over reacting. My husband is no woman beater, deep down he is a sensitive caring man who deserves better than what I have given him. There are women out there that are in relationships far worse than mine and who can't escape.

Sometimes I just feel like it's an excuse for me to condone my own actions, or an excuse to get out of a marriage that 2 years ago I was plodding along in comfortably and content. I believed that it was how my life was meant to be, family, home, 2 children, I never thought someone else would come and show me how being in love should feel, but he taught me so much more, how to believe in myself (i lost 6 stone with his encouragement) have confidence in myself to do more in my life, he made me feel safe, he loved every inch of me, he supported me financially when my husband was nowhere to be seen. Yet despite this, I still feel im supposed to carry on with family life because it's 'the right thing' and then something clicks...I'll come in from taking my daughter to the park on a weekend evening and notice a bottle of port on the kitchen counter that my husband is drinking....and I shudder with fear of what might happen.

That's no way to live, but still, I doubt the choice to break my children when maybe i should suck it all up and get on with it for their sake.

KinkyAfro Tue 03-Oct-17 10:33:01

He beats you that makes him a woman beater

Annelind Tue 03-Oct-17 10:42:11

You shudder with fear at what might happen.....is this how you want your daughter to live too?

StormTreader Tue 03-Oct-17 10:55:07

"There are women out there that are in relationships far worse than mine and who can't escape. "

Youre not helping them by staying as well though, and you dont have to be in the literally worst situation anyone has ever been in in order to be allowed to leave. You dont have to stay in a situation where the sight of an alcohol bottle makes you shudder in fear, you dont have to stay in ANY relationship where you arent happy.

GullTQY Tue 03-Oct-17 11:04:36

All your words hit a nerve and I know you are all right. Unfortunately I'm a people pleaser, I've always done things to make others happy.

He's been violent towards me 5 times in the last 10 years. There is other things too that I chose to ignore because I was more scared of what people would think, scared of losing everything. I have been weak.

Thankyou, from the bottom of my heart to all that have commented, I've felt like I was fighting this alone. My friends believed I was doing the right thing now, but I always thought that maybe they were being biased. You've made me believe more. Its slightly overwhelming. Thankyou

Annelind Tue 03-Oct-17 11:12:51

Good luck OP. Never easy, but you'll gain strength and happiness. When things have settled a little - work on not being a total people pleaser. Work on pleasing YOU! flowers

KatharinaRosalie Tue 03-Oct-17 11:20:29

My husband is no woman beater - but he is, if he has physically assaulted you. Even if this only happens rarely/when he's drunk/when he's upset/whatever.

Orlandointhewilderness Tue 03-Oct-17 11:30:18

Look, this is a mess from start to finish. You have to be objective about this, it is not how a relationship should be. Hold in your head the fact that it should be a pleasure to be with someone you love and fun.
Best to steer clear of affair partner too. That wasn't a brilliant move and will only lead to hurt.
Good luck.

Blokesworlduk Tue 03-Oct-17 13:36:44

Your marriage is clearly over regardless of the other issues. It won't be a trial separation.

Desmondo2016 Tue 03-Oct-17 13:53:08

Yes doubts are normal... but they're probably not doubts about your husband per se they're just doubts because of the amount of upheaval the separation will cause. Forget the trial separation, you checked out years ago, he's physically abusive however you dress it up or minimise it. Forget what your mum says and believe us, you are doing your children a favour not a diservice by ending this toxicity that currently surrounds them.

GullTQY Fri 06-Oct-17 14:05:40

Thankyou all for your comments, he is moving into his parents tomorrow evening.

The children are aware, my eldest who is 7 is obviously upset but she understands. She is amazingly grown up for her age. She has amazing support at her school and they have reassured me she will be well cared for in the coming months.

I have family who are carrying on as normal, not hounding me for information yet, which is exactly how I want it to be for now.

He showed me his agressive side again last night, it wasn't aimed at me but was because of something that I said and it scared me for a few minutes, and confirmed I shouldn't be afraid of my own husband and I'm doing the right thing.

Chaos777 Sat 07-Oct-17 20:50:35

You are not your mother, because things HAVE got hard at home, and you are quite rightly safeguarding yourself & the children.

Your husband has become abusive.
He has been violent & aggressive and you fear him after he has been drinking.
You are separating to provide a safe, loving home for your children.
You have arranged support at their school.
You are taking steps to protect yourself.

This is all very sane, very healthy. Hope it has gone smoothly today.

GullTQY Sun 08-Oct-17 09:50:55

Thankyou, it did go well considering. I thought it was going to be worse.

Now it's just one day at a time.

I still struggle to get my head around what my life has come to, even when the times of agressivness have happened I never thought I'd be strong enough to manage on my own. He is not a bad man, he just struggles to control himself, and apart from the once my children never witnessed anything else. However I do hope in time I will be a happier mummy that my children will be able to learn from

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