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Would you tell wife of affair if she was 7 months pregnant?

(232 Posts)
namedchangedforthis12345 Fri 29-Sep-17 12:20:29

I have deliberately name changed for this (honey's blue immaced baby, penguin enclosure date, NY where Mumsnet got shut down etc) because I genuinely didn't know, but am not in a good place to take stick if people don't believe me.... so....

I started seeing a guy about 18 months ago. He was an ex from aprox 10 years ago, and it started out as FWB type thing. I am friends with his sister / mates on fb etc, but he doesn't use it. I am a single parent so he has always come to mine, though I have been to his parents a few times when they were away. I've never thought it odd as I rarely get a babysitter so haven't had opportunity, he just always came here or we met for lunch in town etc. I have always called / texted whenever I pleased. I am trying to cover all bases of our history here so you don't think it was odd!

I discovered last night he is married, and his wife is 7 months pregnant. I am absolutely gutted, angry, ashamed, embarrassed etc. This was 18 bloody months we have been together. I have told him not to contact me again, and have no intention of doing anything to spite him, I just feel numb almost? (ironic given my list of feelings above!)

My question is, do I tell his wife? I have always been a believer that women stick together, but she is due in November and I genuinely am not sure it is better not to know in this situation. For full disclosure, my ex left when I was pregnant, so this may be tainting my view on things too.

Please don't kick me for this, I felt sick when I found out and its been a particularly shitty last 24 hours.

namedchangedforthis12345 Fri 29-Sep-17 12:21:31

Also, happy for MNHQ to check my posting history etc if people have concerns about my name change. God knows its weird on here at the mo. Oh, and the daily mail etc can sod off too.....

TheStoic Fri 29-Sep-17 12:22:07

So you haven't been in touch with your friend, his sister, in 18 months?

namedchangedforthis12345 Fri 29-Sep-17 12:23:24

shes not really a friend - she was added from years ago when first joined fb, we have liked each others status's and I congratulated her on birth of her first child and sent a card..... but she lives other end of the country, so not seen each other.

GoodStuffAnnie Fri 29-Sep-17 12:23:25

I definitely wouldn't now. I would either tell her when baby is 6 months or not at all. I would probably not do anything, walk away and move on totally. Don't do anything for at least a week, you are in shock. What a crappy thing to happen to you.

SandysMam Fri 29-Sep-17 12:23:39

Don't tell her, but now you know, don't EVER entertain him again. I would say at 7 months pregnant, ignorance is bliss, as much as he doesn't deserve it.
Sorry this has happened, what a thunder cunt he is.

namedchangedforthis12345 Fri 29-Sep-17 12:24:34

I have also liked his friends posts etc on fb, and commented on pictures from nights out and things "X tells me you were very drunk" type stuff. I am a grown woman in her 30's by the way, the fb stuff sounds like I am 12.....

TheStoic Fri 29-Sep-17 12:25:14

He was sleeping with you both at the same time, and possibly other women. For her health and the health of her baby, she should know.

SandysMam Fri 29-Sep-17 12:26:00

By the way, don'y worry about being accused of trollery, in the nicest possible way this is a bit dull and not enough poo/terminal illness/money requests going in!

SandysMam Fri 29-Sep-17 12:26:25

Don't and on not in...damn phone!

Soubriquet Fri 29-Sep-17 12:27:31

He was sleeping with you both at the same time, and possibly other women. For her health and the health of her baby, she should know

This...he could be carrying something and infecting the baby.

Unlikely sure, but I couldn't forgive myself if it happened

namedchangedforthis12345 Fri 29-Sep-17 12:32:28

SandysMam That made me smile, thank you - obviously the request for money / tales of our sex life will be the next drip feed!

The health aspect is one thing that bothers me, plus I know I would want to know. But, jesus, the timing is horrific and I just feel like I am setting off a bomb in this poor woman's life.

He said he wanted to tell me last week when we met for lunch, but that it was too hard. I told him to never contact me again in reply, and he has stuck to that so far so i think he may even be relieved. I don't know.

Santawontbelong Fri 29-Sep-17 12:34:55

I would rather know ASAP that begin a fake happy families scenario with a class A twat.

SheldonsSpot Fri 29-Sep-17 12:35:39

I would tell her.

Just very factually "I have been in a relationship with your husband for the past 18 months. He led me to believe he was single. I only found out last night/week/whenever that he is married. I have told him not to contact me ever again. If you'd like to speak to me or you have any questions here are my contact details".

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 29-Sep-17 12:39:05

That would have destroyed me. Mind you I found out later that it had been going on from the same point and that destroyed me, too. I still think, though, it's better not to know when you're pregnant.

pingu73 Fri 29-Sep-17 12:39:25

I would get yourself tested then walk away. You will be dragged into this drama and you don’t want him so leave it.
Personally what she doesn’t know right now can’t hurt her and it will only ruin her preganancy /birth experience .

DontDrinkDontSmoke Fri 29-Sep-17 12:41:12

Be thankful you are the one who can simply move on. Nasty surprise for you but fucking shit for his pregnant wife.

I’d like to think I’d tell.

mindutopia Fri 29-Sep-17 12:46:02

Personally, no, I wouldn't. If you've been together that long, any STIs you might have passed along to her (if that were to be the case) would have flagged up in her antenatal screening. You don't know if he's with anyone else, but if you are STI free (get yourself tested) then there is no harm you know of posed to baby. If you have an STI, yes, that's different. But I wouldn't use the potential of an STI as a reason to tell her unless you know.

Otherwise, I would leave it be. She may have a shitty husband, but I don't think there is any reason to ruin her experience of the birth of her baby and those early months. You don't get that back. And the added stress caused could have adverse effects on her pregnancy and her birth and actually create risk that isn't there already. If you feel you need to tell her, tell her down the road when life is a bit more stable for her. Ultimately though, I think it might come across as spiteful rather than helpful and caring and you might just be better off leaving them to it. He will eventually shoot himself in the foot. A cheat is a cheat and he will get found out eventually if he hasn't been already.

namedchangedforthis12345 Fri 29-Sep-17 12:49:06

I am taking on board everyone's comments - I feel like I don't have anything else to add (other than repeat what an utter bastard he is over and over), but I am listening in hope that it makes the decision clearer.

I am lucky I get to walk away though Dontdrink I am old and cynical these days, and whilst this stings like buggery, I know I will be okay. When my ex left when I was pregnant, I didn't feel so strong though - and to be active in doing that to another person makes me feel sick.

LoislovesStewie Fri 29-Sep-17 12:55:13

I would not tell her; she is in a very fragile stage of her life at the moment.BUT I would tell him that he ought to get himself checked for STD's and then tell him never,ever to contact me again . and I would get myself checked too, even if you think you are ok and have always used protection you need to be sure .

Lovemusic33 Fri 29-Sep-17 12:56:14

I agree with pingu. Just walk away knowing you had a lucky escape, get on with your life and forget about him and his pregnant wife. She will eventually find out what he is like, there's a chance she may already know.

schmoopy Fri 29-Sep-17 12:57:02

If I were his wife, I would want to know.

My exh did have an affair with a colleague and another of his colleagues was a friend of mine. When I told her that I knew, the relief on her face and in her voice was palpable. She had clearly been struggling with whether or not to tell me and rattled off all the confirming details she had.

I don't have any ill feeling towards her, but I do wish she'd told me and then I could have taken control of my own life far sooner.

Prior to that, my fiance got another woman pregnant when I was 4 or 5 months pregnant with our son. It was still better to have the memories of those first few months with just my son (he didn't have anything to do with either of us once we'd split up). I would have hated to have looked back and thought of all the 'happy family' moments that were lies.

I would want to be told if it ever happened again too.

but I don't think there is any reason to ruin her experience of the birth of her baby and those early months. You don't get that back

to be honest, it makes no difference when you find out. And I'd rather not be made a fool of.

millifiori Fri 29-Sep-17 12:57:58

This sort of post puzzles me. Did you not ask how come he was still single? Did he outright lie to you?

DontDrinkDontSmoke Fri 29-Sep-17 12:59:33

You weren’t active in it though. This is 100% down to him. If you’d carried on the relationship after finding out, you’d be active in it.

He’s the Cunt, not you.

sizeofalentil Fri 29-Sep-17 12:59:42

I may be biased here, as I'm a 7 months pregnant married woman, but I would want to know if it was me.

Yes, it would destroy my life, but at least I wouldn't give birth with a scumbag as my birthing partner. The thought of him being there as I was at my most vulnerable and my being in the dark to it all would be a real kicker for me.

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