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Ducks in a row thread

(33 Posts)
Sadlady77 Fri 29-Sep-17 10:54:31

I have heard this saying quite a bit on this forum over the past few days so thought I might start a thread on it, even if it is just my own ramblings and a journal for myself.

A bit about me: I have been with DH for 15 years, married for 9 and we have 2 children, aged 7 and 6. I actually can't remember a time when I was last happy with OH. Struggling and chaos just seem to be a way of life for us. A few years ago I asked OH when he was last truly happy and he didn't even mention the birth of our kids, he mentioned a time 10 years ago when he had taken 2 years out of work to study something he is passionate about (that he did nothing with in the end).

Life is so joyless with him. He is negative, mean, aggressive and uptight. He suffers from anxiety and has taken meds in the past but won't go back on them again as they made no difference to his moods. He has such anger issues.

Anyway - I am just at the beginning of trying to get my ducks in a row. I think it will probably take about a year to learn to drive, get a better, more secure job, clear our debts and go to counselling and build up the courage myself. In the meantime, I am going to try and keep a journal to remind myself of the bad times (as I tend to block them out).

I'd be really interested in chatting to anyone who is in a similar position. I am struggling with guilt at the moment, the fact I am doing this under the radar. But I am also angry with him, and his moods and his constant calling me an a**hole or c**t in front of the kids. We were having a row a few weeks ago and he tried to trip me up in the bathroom (didn't succeed). That isn't love.

I am also feeling guilty that I have been messaging an ex and let myself feel something for them. Nothing happened and I turned down his suggestion to meet up. But I'm angry with myself for being vulnerable and even considering it. I don't even recognise that person and thankfully common sense prevailed.

Last night I cleaned the kitchen and OH was making supper and messed up part of the kitchen (and was leaving it there). I just said can you clean that up I've just tidied it (I was a bit snappy) and he just called me an a**hole in front of the kids. I just feel so bad for them.

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 29-Sep-17 10:57:24

Do you really have to wait that long?

Thebluedog Fri 29-Sep-17 10:59:01

I second 'do you need to wait that long'

Disneybump Fri 29-Sep-17 11:00:47

OP this is not a nice way to be treated! It sounds a little like emotional abuse? Especially name calling in front of DC. And trying to trip you up? Do you have to get your ducks in a row? Can you leave sooner if that is what you want? I think you would be happier, having used the word 'joyless'.

I really hope you can find a way to get yourself some space and time to yourself soon, you really need and deserve it.

Look after yourself, this is a time in your life where you should really put yourself first. I hope for the best for you. Also, it sounds like your DH has some issues he needs to work on- that is not your problem but I hope he seeks help.

Sadlady77 Fri 29-Sep-17 11:18:24

I really can't leave at the moment as we have debts we need to get rid of and I financially wouldn't be able to manage until they are gone. I am so used to him talking like this, and walking on eggshells that I don't feel another year will make much of a difference, as I am so used to the arguments.

I also feel like I don't have the mental strength to leave just now even though I mentally checked out of this marriage a good while ago.

We have gone to counselling in the past but he thinks this type of dysfunctional relationship is normal as it is exactly what his parents have. We were meant to have a family holiday next but I can't face going away with him by ourselves so I cancelled it as that will save money as well. I am so so serious about leaving him.

Disneybump Fri 29-Sep-17 11:40:29

I'm sorry you feel so trapped. Can you find ways of escapism? Hobbies, interests, seeing friends? It will all help to build your confidence back up and get you some space in the meantime. I'm sorry this is what you are living with, I can't imagine how hard that must be

Santawontbelong Fri 29-Sep-17 11:44:50

I also planned before I left. Took me 2 years after he raped me 2 weeks pp but I did it.
For me it was knowing I would have it let him share the dc and know he wasn't going to let me have 50% . Took me 4 years in court to keep him away from MY dc and to make him adhere to letting me see OUR dc like the court ordered. Ff ten years and our dc are nc with him. .
It was suggested I had ptsd afterwards.
But worth it, stay strong op - you will reap the rewards in time.

Sadlady77 Fri 29-Sep-17 11:50:47

Disneybump - yes I have lots of friends and have told a few how I am feeling, but not really about his behaviour. Luckily I can avoid him most of the time as my family live close by and we do lots together.

Sadlady77 Fri 29-Sep-17 11:52:54

Santawontbelong - you are so strong after what he did to you. I keep trying to look to the future without him, which will be much calmer and less chaotic and stressful. I am dreading the fallout and know I will be painted as the bad guy, but once my family and friends know the truth then I guess I can deal with it when the time comes.

Aperolspritzer123 Fri 29-Sep-17 11:54:13

Hi OP, me and my ex separated 8 months ago now. Sounds like a similar situation, in the end he made my life so unbearable that I ended it very suddenly after he started insulting the dc.
I would recommend the following:
Get some counselling if you can and it will help you sort things out in your own head.
Ring women's aid, they will give you lots of great advice and support.
Keep posting on mumsnet - here you will find your people!
Don't continue any extra marital situations - I'm not judging you for that but I think if you're feeling any type of guilt about the separation this will make it worse. You want to walk out of this with a clear and honest head on you - if you feel guilty then this will cloud your judgement and you will make bad decisions i.e. Staying as you will feel like it's as much your fault as his.
I thought I could stick it out for 6 months or so but it turns out I couldn't, maybe my ex sensed my checking out and ramped up the abuse.
Good luck

CoteDAzur Fri 29-Sep-17 11:54:38

You might be OK to wait another year but it's not good for DC to see your mum verbally abused all that time. They are at that age where if you leave now they might not remember this sorry episode in their lives.

Aperolspritzer123 Fri 29-Sep-17 11:57:04

Also - start telling your family and friends about his behaviour - don't keep things back.
Write everything down, especially the names he has called you and whether the dc witnessed it or not. It will help you when you need to keep the momentum up. (And it will help your divorce petition).
After a rough couple of months post separation my life is infinitely better. My dc are happy and so am I. My only regret is the fear that I couldn't do it years ago.

RHOLST39 Fri 29-Sep-17 12:06:07

I'm in a similar position, will reply fully later, hugs. Xxxxxx

Sadlady77 Fri 29-Sep-17 12:14:34

Thanks Aperolspritzer - I am making an appointment for counselling for a few weeks time when we have cash. I would feel so weird ringing Womensaid, like I was an imposter or something when you hear of what other women go through. Maybe after talking to the counsellor I'll feel like I can do that.

The chatting with the ex has stopped. Although for me I wanted general chit chat. He had a different agenda. I agree though, I want to leave with my head held high.

Is it normal to feel guilty about how he will feel too? Like I am near family and friends and he is a distance away from his. Although he has been here 5 years and has made little effort to have any hobbies. He is friends with one of my friends husbands but doesn't like any of my other friends husbands.

Sadlady77 Fri 29-Sep-17 12:17:33

CoteDAzur - I know it is rotten for them to witness it. I try to keep as much away from them as possible and I am hoping counselling will help with that and with me not reacting. But I have no cash to go now and I need to get a better job to support myself and the kids. I know he will get wicked when there is a split.

Sadlady77 Fri 29-Sep-17 12:18:12

So sorry to hear that RHOLST39. It's a very lonely place to be xx

RHOLST39 Fri 29-Sep-17 16:06:50

It is although I've fantastic friends and family, I'd be in a ditch somewhere without them all!!

My other half has been borderline abusive, is non-communicative, 'works' very hard in a high pressure job but does nothing at home except tidy up at the weekend so he can relax in a 'tidy' house in the evening.

He loves our 2 young boys but doesn't want to do much with them! I love to go out with my friends and am very social which he resents and sulks when I do. I recent have been on holiday with my friend for 4 nights, a treat for my up coming 40th, cue no communication for the duration. I could go on and on, I dread the weekends. I'm all geared up to leave him but feel I need to do counselling for the sake of the boys and so I'm not the evil bitch. He has struggled with depression and anxiety and is on meds and is having CBT but is just going through the motions as far as I can see? I feel he won't cope if I do go and could even breakdown????

LTB I know but it's tough!!!!!

BrendaSmith56 Fri 29-Sep-17 16:16:44

Do you need to pay for counselling? In my city and the next town along you can self refer to 'Healthy Minds' which is a free NHS service. After the initial assessment I had some online things to read/do with each module followed up by a prearranged meeting/call with a counsellor.

rizlett Fri 29-Sep-17 16:23:21

Op - womensaid is there for any woman who is experiencing abuse - they are there for you even if you feel that the abuse you are subject to isn't bad enough.

It's scary to call but whenever you are ready they are waiting to listen.

Aperolspritzer123 Fri 29-Sep-17 20:42:51

OP it's not just for classic domestic violence. I think that's why counselling would help you; when I started mine my head was a confused mess, I didn't know whether it was all my fault (as he said) whether I was the abuser (as he said) or a bad person/bad wife/shit mum (again all said by him). It turns out it wasn't me at all. My counsellor helped me to see clearly and I realised how much damage he had done and continued to do and how much he would damage my children if I stayed with him in so many ways.
I read the Lundy Bancroft book (please read that). Women's aid was fantastic with me.

Sadlady77 Sat 30-Sep-17 12:13:58

RHOLST39 - I feel like you are talking about my husband. I also feel like mine is 'going through the motions'. This morning he was talking about going to the cinema with a friend tomorrow night. Of course the cinema isn't good enough, he wants to go for pizza beforehand as well. When I pointed out that we have loads of expenses this month,
including dental treatment that wasn't budgeted for(it is a really tight month) he started sulking and throwing a tantrum saying he would cancel the cinema altogether and that I go out more than him. The real issue is he won't be upfront with his friend and say that he can't afford a meal and the cinema. He always wants to keep up with the Jones', probably why we are in debt now.

He takes no responsibility for our finances and then has a strop if we have a tight month. In fact he takes no responsibility for anything so if something goes wrong I get the blame.

Sadlady77 Sat 30-Sep-17 12:17:06

BrendaSmith56 - thanks for that info. I don't live in the UK and there are no free services for us where I live unfortunately. I will definitely be able to pay for it next month. This month is just full of expenses unfortunately.

Sadlady77 Sat 30-Sep-17 12:26:10

rizlett - thanks very much. I will go for counselling first and then have a look at Womensaid or the equivalent here. I suppose part of me wonders if I am to blame for some of the name calling as I do retaliate sometimes. I suppose counselling will help me to figure it out. I do know the relationship is toxic.

Sadlady77 Sat 30-Sep-17 12:27:27

Aperolspritzer123 - thanks. I am the same as the way you were. I don't know if I am to blame for some of the stuff, is it me that is the difficult one? I feel like my head is a mess and I need to make sense of it before I can make any big decisions.

RandomMess Sat 30-Sep-17 12:41:43

I see your not in the UK , how would the divorce finances go? In the U.K as the higher earner he could be awarded the debts to pay off - the starting point for splitting debts and assets is 50% but the resident parent or lower earner often gets awarded more.

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