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Please help *Domestic Abuse* Trapped(67 Posts)
I know I probably shouldn't use this platform for advice as I don't have any kids but I saw how active and helpful this community is and thought it a good place to ask for help.
I'm a 23 guy and I've now been with my girlfriend/partner for 10 months now and am living in our own flat together.
Everything started off great, we met at work and got together after a night out with a few other work colleagues. We quickly became inseparable as I tend to rush into relationships and we spent all our free time together. It wasn't long until we told each other we loved the other but before she said this she warned me about her mental illness and problems. She has ADHD as well as BPD (borderline personality disorder) and told me that she had punched/thrown objects at/threatened her ex's in the past. Now I would have been worried but she had told me her ex's had sexually and violently abused her so I didn't take this that seriously as I presumed this was probably all in retaliation.
After a few months of a relatively normal relationship (a couple of arguments but otherwise fine) I fell out with my dad and moved out and into her parents house while we decided to save up and rent our own flat. We stayed there for a month or 2 with a few mor arguments. One consisting of her trashing her room and throwing me out the house and another in which she threatened to go the police and report me for a previous relationship I had with a 17 year old when I was 21 (nothing sexual happened until she was 18.
We then moved into the flat which is a half hour drive from my original home. The flat is so nice even though it's only a one bed. Everything was okay for a couple months but then my new job saw me working 6 days a week, 12 hour days. She began to become very argumentative. Texting me on my way into work telling me I was unbelievable for leaving her when she felt like sh*t that morning. Told me not to come back home when I finished because we were no longer together. Telling me that she was just going to kill herself and that she'd be dead when she got home. I'd then tell her I was going to get off at the next stop and come home to which she'd then cry saying we needed the money, that she was sorry and to carry on into work. This was pretty much every 2-3 days for a month.
In the end my depression came back and all I thought about was killing myself. I no longer saw my friends or family because any free time I had was spent with her because if I saw them or rather mentioned seeing them it became a verbal attack again because I wasn't spending my little free time with her. My work was miserable as it was a sales job and fully commission and I wasn't making that much money and every day with my gf was a guilt enduring verbal attack with threats of suicide and being told how shit I am.
I realise this is becoming lengthy so I will try to be more concise now. I ended up getting a new job in a hotel. This was okay at first but became stressful every shift due to them penny pinching and leaving me understaffed. My depression got worse and I have now ended up leaving the job as a result.
Whilst at the hotel we got in a lot more arguments with them now becoming more and more aggressive. She would put me in impossible situations where every response made her more angry. (she would later tell me that there wasn't a response that would have made her feel better or not get more angry at) I would end up not saying anything which would make her more angry to the point she would get in my face and say through gritted teeth how all she wanted to do was rip my face off/punch me in the face/smash the glass table and stab herself or me. She would throw stuff across the room or sweep everything off the table.
One night an argument such as this was going on and somehow we ended up in bed arguing with her getting more and more irritated. At one point she got up, sat on top of me, screamed in my face why I wasn't saying anything to which I said I don't know what to say. She then screamed in my face and tried to hit me in the face. Fortunately I managed to block it with my arms shielding my face but it's still hard knowing she tried to do this. Things went okay for a bit since then but quickly went back to being bad only now she would constantly ask if I'm scared she's going to hit me and she doesn't understand why I now go really quiet and look scared and sink into myself.
We've had lots of other arguments since, she's told me we're not together anymore about 8 times only to take it back an hour later when she's calmed down.
I went to my friends about a month ago after not seeing him for over a year (most of my friends I haven't seen since we've been together). I was there for an hour when she finished work and she began flipping out when I was still there when she finished work. She rang me screaming down the phone, saying clearly he was more important to me than her, told me not to dare going home, that we were over, that I was probably in bed with him and his girlfriend, that she was going to kill herself. I ended up leaving not long after breaking down infront of him to go and talk to her. I went home and we almost split up, I told her about all the things I didn't like that she did. Told her about my depression and that I wanted to kill myself. She promised to change and that she would get a hold of her temper.
Things were okay for a while but we've had a few arguments since. Each time I'm made to feel bad that she's scared to speak her mind incase I end up breaking up with her. I've told her that she can speak her mind but the things she argues about are things I have no control over.
More recently a couple weeks ago we were arguing and she began to get angry again. This time grabbing for knives for her to cut herself. I've had to put myself in between her and them to which she said if I didn't move she would hurt me and then stab me with the knives. Fast forward about an hour and she was telling me to kill myself. "We both aren't happy and want to die so why don't we do it, let's f***ing do it. Go on, get the knives, unless you're faking all this suicide talk."
Fast forward another half hour and we were sat on opposite ends of the couch with her being laid out with her legs facing me and once again I had no response to her questions. She told me if I didn't answer that she would kick me because that's all she wanted to do. I still didn't know what to say so she began pounding her legs into me until I managed to get up and away from the couch.
I know this is a really bad relationship and I've omitted a lot of things also but even just that is enough for me to see that I can't cary this on. Unfortunately I'm the lead tenant on the flat and we've still got 6 months left on it. When we almost split up she said that she wouldn't want to stay in the flat but I can't afford to stay here on my own. I wouldn't be able to get anyone to move in because it's only a one bed. Plus I'm scared if I try to split up with her again she'll get violent once again. I can't move back into my dad's as we're no longer speaking. I can't move into my mums as I would then have to leave my new job I enjoy as it would become too far to travel. I've had 3 jobs in 4 months, if I change again it will ruin my cv and future. I can't move into any of my friends house as I've not spoke to most of them for nearly a year.
In summary I can't move out. I can't afford to stay on my own. So financially I need her. I'm stuck with her for another 6 months but I don't think I could even handle that and my situation would probably be worse by that point too.
I know this was lengthy but I think just finally saying it all was helpful.
If anyone has an opinion on what they think I should do I would really appreciate it. Also sorry in advance if I don't check back in on this, I'm working a lot this weekend
I will say the same to you as I would say to any woman in your situation.
Leave. Yes, she certainly needs help, but you can't do that for her. Your GF knows she has these mental health problems, it has to be up to her to want to seek help.
Honestly, I would say move to your mum's. Yes, I understand that would mean another job change but that would seem to be a short term negative for a long term positive.
You deserve better than to be anybody's punchbag - either verbal or physical. Whilst mental health may be the reason for the behaviour, it doesn't mean you have to (or should) just grin & bear it.
You are very young. There is a better life out there for you .
I'm glad you posted here - this is a good place for it.
I don't have any practical advice regarding your tenancy. But I would say that the short term hardship of taking a hit to your CV (moving to your mum's) is preferable to continuing as you are. Once in a more stable living environment, you can begin to rebuild. And you should be able to rebuild your friendships once you reestablish contact.
I don't have much advice to give but I didn't want to read and run.
No one should have to stay in a situation where they are threatened or hurt. It sounds like you don't have much RL support so you might need to turn to an organisation for help. Citizen's Advice could help you with practical solutions around the tenancy and the Samaritans could provide you with a supportive listening ear for your feelings of depression and hopelessness. They may also be able to point you in the direction of male-focused DV support (if you're in West Yorkshire I think the Pennines Domestic Violence Group has a service for men).
The main thing to remember is that you deserve a life free from violence or the threat of it. Even if your gf''s bpd contributed to her behaviour that doesn't excuse or minimise the effect it has on you.
You've only been together 10 months. While I understand that it's not as easy as just leaving try to explore your options and find ways to stay safe before the months become years. Best of luck; there will be a way out.
I second 100% what @santaslittlemonkeybu
I hope you go back to your mum's house and start building your self back up with people who love you and support you. It will initially break your heart but if you don't put your foot down now things will just get worse and eventually a more serious incident could occur.
Also she can't legally speaking threaten to kill herself in order to keep you. speak to the police for a restraining order and report the physical abuse.
Red flags everywhere!
I'm no fan of debt but on this occasion would recommend you give up the tenancy. If it's a nice flat it will be re-let fast, and the LL will refund you any "overpaid" money.
I was in a relationship with someone who had some of the same behaviours, and I can't emphasise enough how, while it can seem 'normal' when you're in the middle of it, it's really NOT normal. You're in a highly dysfunctional, dangerous relationship that is putting your physical and mental health at risk.
I agree with what others have said about moving back in with your mum. It's better that you take the hit now to your CV, rather than ending up long term unemployed because she has damaged your mental health so badly.
Also, are you sure you can't turn to your friends? You might be surprised at how supportive and forgiving they could be once they hear what's going on.
There is a helpline for male victims of domestic abuse - you might find it helpful to ring them. new.mankind.org.uk
As someone who is also in a bad situation at present(though nowhere near as bad) I would say just go as soon as you can. Go to your mums, go to friends...they will help you when they know how bad things have got. There's a tendancy to withdraw from people when you have this sort of abuse going on and they won't have realised how bad things have got. You cannot help or fix her and as others have said she needs professional help. You need to think of yourself now, when you get away your head will clear and you can plan what to do next. Good luck x
Leave.....as soon as you can. She needs professional help to learn how to control her mental illness. Her illness is not your responsibility, it is hers.
Thank you all for the support and advice. I was checking every now and then to see what you all had posted but have been too scared about her seeing me on this to visit frequently.
Since writing this me and my gf are still together yet it is now purely out of fear rather than love or hope or something else.
3 weeks ago I finally plucked up the courage to tell her I wanted to end the relationship and that I no longer love her. I also told her that I can't move past the times that she has hit me and can't handle the emotional abuse either.
sorry if this is a bit all over the place as it all kind of blurs together
So this started off similarly to the first time I tried to split up with her as she was just upset and was saying she would change and control her emotions and so on. Things however took a turn for the worse as she began to say that without me she had nobody, no friends, hates her family and her job and that she'd end it all if I left. I tried convincing her that she did have reasons to live but she wouldn't have any of it.
The conversation moved forward and she started getting annoyed until it reached a climax and she jumped on top of me and began hitting me, saying that she "could do this now as we're not together". I got her off and she calmed down before getting upset saying I definitely wouldn't want to be with her now after this.
She got more worked up until she said that she was going to end it and trapped herself in the kitchen and blocked the door. I eventually got in and she made a dash for the knives but I got in the way. She said she'd hurt me if I didn't move and I told her I wouldn't. She then said the knives were no longer for her but for me as she tried to push her way past me. When she couldn't she began to attack me again which eventually led to a few bleeding scratch marks on my head.
We eventually moved back into the living room at which point she accused me of cheating. We argued over this until she asked to see my phone and when I argued this it was because I was hiding something. I let her as I haven't cheated but I had told one of my friends I was leaving her as a precaution incase things went wrong.
She went ballistic saying how could I do that? How immature am I? Then refused to give me my phone and if I came for it shed attack me again. She then text her mum saying what I had done to which her mum replied that they would go to the estate agents tomorrow to kick me out of the flat.
My gf said that there was "no f**king way" she was gonna let me keep this flat", said that she was going to draw all of the money out of our joint account and leave me f**ked(she threw away my letter accidentally with the pin on for my card) so she's basically the only one with access to it, said that she would go to the police for my ex I mentioned in the OP.
Whilst on my phone she then messaged a few girls I work with to come round so she could see if I was secretly cheating on her. After this she then told me she would ruin my life by texting my boss, colleagues, friends and family secrets and lies until my life was ruined.
I then broke down and so did she and I begrudgingly said that I would give it one last chance. Since then she's been even more controlling, saying I'm not doing enough in the relationship. Even sent my cv into her work because she hates the job I do atm and the people I work with.
My solution to save money and then leave off my own back is no longer an option as she's constantly checking up how much money I have because she wants to see if I'm spending it on girls she thinks I'm cheating on her with. She'll then suggest going out together because I'm not putting in the effort but she doesn't have any spare money. This either leads to 2 options, either go out and spend money I don't want to and have a "good night" or stay in, argue, have my flaws pointed out, be abused and probably threatened.
I really don't know what to do.
If I leave her I really do believe she would try to kill herself, if she did and I phoned 911 she'll probably be sectioned due to her BPD and she'll lose her job and have her life ruined.
If I leave her and she doesn't attempt suicide then she'll probably attempt to ruin my life. Take the flat, my money and potentially send harmful emails and texts as well as follow me wherever I went because in her own words "I know where you work and I know you'd move into your mum's"
And if I stay then I just don't know how much more I can take to be completely honest.
Sorry for the really long post again but I just had to get it all off my chest.
I don't know what advice/help I'm expecting that I don't already know I need to do but I just feel too trapped to do anything.
Thanks and I will try and be a bit more active if possible.
Take care of your finances and leave. You’re not responsible for any actions she may take. This relationship is unhealthy for you and damaging your self esteem. LEAVE NOW
Call the police. She's threatened to kill you and she's assaulted you!
Good luck OP.
Please ring the police!!! I really think the only way you will help her is to leave her. Her BPD is very very out of control. It sounds as if she needs to spend some time in a psychiatric hospital and she defiantly should not be in a relationship right now. You need to be very strong and leave ASAP. I know that you said it will have negative effects on your finances etc and that she’s making threats about ruining your life but it will get even worse if you stay. You need to go and live with someone stable and cut her off completely now. I would go as far as changing your phone number, work place etc. Please transfer your part of the money from your joint account to a safe account. You will also probably need some counselling and to talk about this to someone. Please leave no matter how hard it will be and how many threats she will throw at you... It is NOT your fault.
She sounds a danger to you more than to herself and I think she needs psychiatric help. I agree with informing the police.
Remove your half of the money from the joint account. Yes you can afford to live without her. You can rent a room or a flat share. Get yourself off the lease.
Do this NOW. Please. If you don’t get out, it will be you needing psychiatric help as well.
Go to the baavd request a new pin number.
Open an account of your own fit your salary to go into and tell your mum what's going on.
Your life is in danger every day you stay there. You should have called the police and het parents when she attacked you and threate suicide.
This woman shouldn't be in a relationship with anybody.
If you value your life...please leave.
No mother would sit back and see her son living in this hell.
Do you want the next call your mum receives to be from the police, ..informing her of your death?
Why do uoiu thunk every other man has left her ... and you shouldn't believe her sexual assault claims.
She's the one with serious issues
Talk to the police.
Seriously. They have specialist domestic violence advisors.
Talk to CAB: citizens advice bureau.
Talk to the bank,
Talk to your landlord AFTER you have talked to CAB / the police.
I wish you all the best.
The detail doesn’t matter. Get the hell out and start from zero elsewhere.
If she kills herself, that’s her decision. You cannot be held responsible for that. Your first responsibility is to stop her from killing you.
You are not living just existing that is no life....can you get in touch with her parents and explain the situation she is their responsability not yours get free from it all.
Absolutely leave now, and don't discuss it with her. You will get sucked into having a conversation where you have to justify leaving and end up giving her another chance.
Just go as soon as you can, and then you need to go no-contact with her. if she does have family, it might be worth letting them know, as pp have suggested. Otherwise perhaps a community health team? You're worried about her being sectioned, but that might just save her life.
I'm worried about your physical safety, your emotional health, and the risk of her making wild allegations against you. Just leave now (and for God's sake, make sure there's no chance of bringing a baby into this mess).
Call the police.
Tell them everything you've told us.
I'm assuming you are in the US as 16 is the legal age here.
You need to get out.
Pack a bag and just get out.
You are NOT responsible for her or her mental health.
SHE needs to address that.
Please stop putting yourself in this awful position.
Do it now!!!!
The police should be able to give you details a local male domestic abuse organisation.
We have one in the UK called 'mankind', you will have something similar over there.
Get help and get out of there.
Very reminiscent of my DH's last relationship, his wasn't as violent but the threats of suicide and even an alleged attempt (which he was pretty sure was untrue after calling an ambulance and rushing to be there). I was friends with him at the time and saw the effect.
Talk to your mum. Talk to the LL and ask them to put it on the market now, explain the situation - continue to pay until they get a new tenant, even if it means some debt. If you can go home in the meantime do it. If my sons were ever in this situation I'd do anything to help them get out, financial or otherwise.
Please please leave. Never mind what are does if you do, she is not your responsibility. I was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago and I understand what a painful mental illness it is but I have never ever behaved the way your GF is. That sounds like something more than BPD, she is a violent bully. Could you go into the bank with ID and empty your joint account? I honestly think this woman is dangerous, you need to get out now before she kills you.
Thanks for all the messages
In response to @hellsbellsmelons I live in the UK for anyone else who is also unsure where I am writing this from.
A lot of you are telling me to contact the police but if she's not done anything for a few weeks now should I still contact them?
I went to the estate agents yesterday before she got back from work and told them that there are problems in the relationship and that when we almost split up, that she wanted to ruin my life and even if she didn't want the flat that she wasn't going to let me have it. They told me that she can't just kick me out and decide that neither one of us will be keeping the flat and cancel the agreement which put my mind at ease.
I didn't mention to the estate agent about the abuse though as there were other people sat around and I felt embarrassed by the situation. Did I make a mistake in not telling her?
I'm going to go to the bank tomorrow and enquire about what happens if she draws all of the money out of our joint account. When I finally muster up the courage again to leave I'm planning to take out the money I still have in there just as a precaution but I want to enquire just in case.
The main thing putting me off however is that her great uncle passed away last week. She was quite close to him and has said that she wants me to go to the funeral on the 6th of December and that me being there will help her cope. We'll be staying over for a couple nights with family I've mostly not met or probably hate me.
Am I stupid if I wait almost 2 weeks to try to leave when I know I want to?
Or is it incredibly horrible if u break up with her and up and leave my stuff just before her uncle's funeral?
Sorry for the delayed response again, I haven't had much time by myself to check back and respond, thanks once again for the support though, it's really helping me to look forward and realise I don't have to reserve myself to a life like this, so thanks again.
Honestly don’t wait, get your ducks in a row and leave now. Someone you’re close to passing away is a difficult time of course but I have a feeling she will step up the abuse and outbursts before the funeral and blame it on being upset over the loss of her uncle.
Please leave, you can’t help her and the longer you stay with her the more she will break you. Your confidence will become less and less, she’ll have you believing you need her and can’t live with without her. She’ll have you apologising to her for making her hit you. Please trust me, I speak from experience. I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. The first time he hit me was 3 months in. I was adamant that it was over but he begged and pleaded and made me believe it was a one off. But it wasn’t. A year in he was regularly beating me and making me believe it was my fault, that I deserved it and made him do it. With every beating and daily emotional abuse I was a shell of the person I used to be. I stopped seeing family and friends as he didn’t like it. I was completely isolated with zero confidence, trapped with a bully and believing I needed him. The last time he beat me I fled the house in the clothes on my back, not even wearing shoes, and ran until I bumped into a stranger and begged her to help me. I wish I had left after the first slap. Please please leave before she drags you down any further.
Leave now. Seriously. Take your half of the money and go.
You are not helping or saving her by staying. You are enabling her.
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