Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm future faking someone...(305 Posts)
And I know I'm a coward but I think I ought to continue for the time being...
Hear me out:
Met a guy last year and fell into a FWB situation. He seemed lovely and the sex was out of this world. 😳 But as time went on he seemed to get more and more attached (I was happy with the casual set up as too busy for anything heavier). He started pushing for us to spend more time together and for more text contact. I couldn't really logistically spare more time at that point despite really liking him. It was causing him to get upset and as we were just starting to argue instead of enjoy our time together, I put an end to things in April.
He really lost it, said I'd led him on and that I was using him for an affair!!! He decided that because my ex partner (and father of my DC's) would look after the kids at my house whilst I was at work some evenings, that actually he must be living there and I was taking him for a mug. This was not true and the ex has a temporary living situation at the moment which should be resolved by the new year. We get on well and he is a good dad so I don't mind him hanging out at mine but I haven't had a relationship with him for years!!! I can see why the new guy got it into his head that he might have been being played - I do have unusual circumstances. But what he did next was unacceptable...
He stormed round to my house whilst I was at work one evening and my ex was looking after the kids and confronted my ex on the doorstep whilst the kids were awake! Basically saying; "she's been taking us both for mugs mate, been seeing us both at the same time - thought you should know the truth." Luckily my DC's were getting ready for bed upstairs and only just missed the commotion but they could have heard it. My ex then told him that we were long split up, nobody was being played and if he didn't fuck off from his children's property in the next 5 seconds, he'd live to regret it... So off he went.
Ex was pissed off with me but also supportive and I was mortified. I sent new man an angry text to say that if he ever came near me, my family or my property again then I would call the police. Then I blocked him on everything. I was pretty heart sore but was so annoyed that he'd done what he did to my ex (and potentially kids) just because he didn't trust me. I really missed him but I thought that was the end of it.
It was for a while. Until I did something really dumb.
I bumped into FWB guy on my way out of the supermarket in July. I tried to avoid him at first but he kept trying to talk to me, so I asked him what he wanted and he apologised for what he'd done. He was very genuinely sorry and said he'd not stopped kicking himself for the stupid way he'd behaved, that he'd grown so attached to me and acted like an arsehole. He said he had got it all wrong and had never behaved so stupidly before and never would again. Said he'd learnt his lesson and had lost out all because he'd let his emotions get the better of him. He said he was sorry he did that to me and to my ex and would never bother us again but just wanted to let me know as I'd blocked him and he felt I deserved sincere apologies. I thanked him and wished him the best of luck with everything in the future and
went on my way but it shook me up a bit as I was just starting to put him behind me and there he was looking all gorgeous and behaving like the gent I first met.
And then 4 days later, on a night out with the girls, I bumped into him again!!! I left a little earlier than my friends as I had a busy weekend ahead so went to the taxi rank at about 11:30/midnight and there he was waiting for a cab at the same time!!! He'd been in the bar over the road all evening apparently. It really threw me and he offered to share a taxi home (he lives about 6 roads away so same direction). I stupidly said yes as he'd been so genuine the night before so I thought - why not? Except almost as soon as we got in the back of the taxi we just looked at each other and started to kiss... (poor driver 🙈). Long story short, we got out at his place, went upstairs and had some seriously mind blowing sex. Twice. I ended up getting a taxi home from his at about 5am!!!
What an idiot. We'd had a bit of a talk in between having sex both times but I unblocked him the next morning on WhatsApp and the messages started again. We both said we should just leave it there as a one off. But we haven't been able to resist and have been sneakily seeing each other ever since. The sex is very addictive.
But just in the last month, despite agreeing to be casual, I can feel him getting pushy again. I realise now that he can't cope with taking things very slowly and that it's not fair to expect him to wait for my logistics to fit in with his. However, he makes me feel very uneasy and the threat of him kicking off and bringing trouble to my door again is still hanging unsaid in the air. He's already starting to sulk if I can't find time to see him every week or if I don't text back quick enough. He's making all these big plans for us for when I move to a new place next year and I have more time in my hands...
Except I'm now moving within the next 5 weeks!!! And further away than originally planned (will have to change one of my DC's school for example). I haven't told him this and don't intend to. I know it's awful and that this is my own stupid fault but he scares me and despite the amazing physical connection, I think he might have abusive undertones. For example, last weekend when I tried to leave his house the morning after the night before, he pinned me down on the bed and said "you're not going anywhere yet!" and kind of forced himself on me! I tried to relax and enjoy the sex but felt afterwards that what he did wasn't right and it was just a reminder that he is physically stronger and likes to remind me of that sometimes.
I've been a real idiot but I don't feel safe and I know I have to end it once and for all. So I guess what I'm asking is, should I pretend to be up for going along with all his future plans for the next month and then secretly move to my new house and finish it with him from afar? Or should I stop being a coward and tell him the truth now and take the consequences even though I have a horrible feeling that he might come and make more trouble for my ex and kids and I just don't feel safe? I know this is of my own making but it feels morally wrong to keep saying "I love you too/yes I can't wait until we can go on holiday/move in/you meet the kids" or whatever. But he just gives me the worst feeling - like I haven't yet seen what he's truly capable of... 😔
Jeez I'm an idiot...
My initial, not-thought-through reaction is yes, you are being quite reasonable to do this and then try and disappear. Don't over egg it though, play it down without getting him all needy.
Will he be able to find out through someone your new address though? Or turn up at your work/school?
I feel quite worried for you really.
Run for the hills...
And don't you under any circumstances let him know where you'll be moving to. He sounds scary.
Christ, especially considering what he did last weekend.....I don't think you can wait until you move, the alarm bells are already there; the sulking, the talking about the future, I really think you should end this now, and end it in any way you feel most comfortable, by text if needs be, to avoid any situation where he may flip. I have to say he sounds really unpredictable
This isn't future faking exactly. You obviously feel that you are at risk here. This is trying to cover your back & protect yourself and your children.
Are you able to cover your tracks completely when you move? Does he have any way of tracing you? Can you suspend all social media, in case he searches for you on someone else log-in?
I would be tempted to wait until you have moved away, then send a goodbye text along the lines of making a fresh start, concentrating on your job, family, etc. Make it quite clear that there will be no further contact and avoid all places he frequents.
Thank you so much everyone for your replies (and thanks for going easy on me, silly cow that I am)!
I'm fairly lucky here, in that the Monday I'm due to get the keys to the new place and will be booking to move, he will be at work so no chance of catching me. Also the area I had discussed moving to in the new year was one I had told him in April. But this new place came up and was ideal so things are moving along incredibly quickly now. I'm now moving in a different direction, to a town about 17 miles away so I don't think he'll be able to track me down easily. I'm also transferring my job as well (no more evenings - yay!) and am actually starting up there 2 weeks before the move, so if I'm careful, then I should be okay. I'm off social media at the minute but if I bother to deactivate I'll probably do so under a nickname with tight security and no selfies! And I might consider changing my number too.
So that leaves 3 weekends where I'd normally have to make plans to see him (he's away for one of them in mid October). Not necessarily stay over. But if I can get through the next 4-5 weeks then I will move and then finish with him properly from my new house. I know it's heartless but I just don't feel that he would take it well if I ended beforehand. He's got a real shadow side and I have a good exit plan going on. Instinct is telling me to go with it.
I'd probably see him a day or two before moving. So I will feel really slimy going along with his grand plans "yes babe in the new year we will start seeing each twice a week and book a holiday..." 😣 This is my own fault but he's turning out to be pushier and scarier than I ever thought before. If I remain calm and happy then I might be able to pull this off.
I also haven't told ex that I've been seeing him again yet. (Told him there's a FWB in the wings, which is true but not who it is)! Will sit him down and be honest with him once I've moved. Ex has his very own FWB 😄 but not serious and is planning to buy a flat in the same area as I'm moving to come the new year (he is with parents at the moment). He and I will be travelling back and forth between now and then but once he's local the kids can go back and forth as they please...😊 Ex will be cross with me for fucking up with this guy but he's a good mate and is always supportive - very lucky really.
So you're scared of him but not enough to keep shagging him? A man who you have no ties to at all? Just tell him you don't want to do it any more and block him. If all you want is sex then that's easy to find pretty much anywhere, with nicer people! If there's any trouble such as him turning up at your house then call the police.
Sorry that first bit probably sounds harsh but having been in very abusive relationships (one tried to kill me) I just don't get it when you could just sack him off since you don't live together/are married/have kids/in a relationship.
You must be aware that he is fucking crazy and if you move without telling him, he will try and he may well succeed in trying to track you down. That could make him even worse.
You are right - I am being cowardly. After last weekend, I really don't want to have sex with him again. He is very good in bed but it all feels very wrong and his forcefulness is making me feel uneasy. I'd prefer to have the guts to end it now as being deceitful like I am doesn't sit well with me. But this man does not respect my boundaries at all - even in simple conversations he still runs away with his wants and needs so I don't trust him not to cause a lot of trouble for me and my family and possibly even be violent. He's never hit me before but is physically strong and has started holding me down in bed which is putting me off the sex somewhat. He also wants to experiment with BDSM but I've so far put him off saying that I'll give in a his Xmas present. It's just a bit of hair pulling and bum slapping at the moment. I'd be interested if I wasn't so worried he'd take things too far.
I'd warn the police but I don't want any of us to get hurt before it comes to that. I must sound so over dramatic but he really is starting to scare the shit out of me - gut feeling. He also vaguely knows where I work at the minute but doesn't know the new place.
I'm such an idiot. People really don't change! Never fall for the charming ones...
Maybe I'll offer to meet him face to face after I've moved and explain to him why it's not working? At least then I'm sort of half doing it properly.
I don't want to tell him before I've moved in case he comes for me/my ex/my kids and then some how clocks that I've moved jobs/am moving house and finds out the area before I've even got there.
It's hard to advise you on this one. I'm tempted to say that I think you might be playing with fire and suggest that you start easing out now, in advance of the move.
I think I would also tell your ex soon too so he's aware and can have your back if needed.
Just some thoughts.
Could you start by having a day time chat, maybe in a cafe or somewhere else public, in which you express concerns about the pinning down and general forcefulness during sex etc? I'm just wondering, not advising here as I really don't know what's best.
He raped you. He will rape you again. He wants you to ‘give in to him’ regarding bdsm.
This is a man who hates women. Block him, keep your door locked and if he becomes trouble call 999. What you are doing at the moment is dangerous.
You know he raped you, right? I think your plan is basically a good one, as I am concerned that the 'coincidental' meeting that night was not. But I would make excuses for not getting together again in the next three weekends - be sick, or your dc are sick, just avoid him.
futurefakingfornow - sometimes we do things without even thinking of the consequences. We just learn from our mistakes. Its life. Don't beat yourself up!
I'm slightly concerned for you too. I can imagine you are afraid but I honestly think you should tell your ex now. I would want to do exactly what you want to do out of fear but how awful for you to put yourself through a month of contact out of fear. He should not have that control.
I would definitely come off social media for a while. My concern here is he will get angry for you just disappearing but then he may leave you alone like last time. Its a tough one. Really, tell someone now though. If at any point you feel afraid you call the police Ok?!
Yes, it was quite a coincidence to bump into him in the taxi queue wasn't it?
Another thought, could he talk to one of your colleagues at your work to find out new work address?
Oh my god dont meet him! He raped you!
I think you need to contact police, i really do. And tell your ex. Like immediately get this guy blocked from any contact with you. If you call police they will come today and take a statement. They will help you get an injunction and they will go tell him to stay away. The more you say, the more worrying it is.
Hi OP I really don't like the sound of this man at all and don't think you should see him anymore. I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation to be honest. The right thing to do is go to the police as he raped you, but I can understand why you might feel you can't do that. I think you need some support irl. Can you talk to your ex and tell him what's been going on? He may be annoyed, but it sounds like he's pretty supportive.
The problem with moving away and not telling him is you'll always be looking over your shoulder.
And you cant spend your life worrying that he might find you!
You say your ex has a temporary living situation at the moment - is it possible he could come and stay with you until you move? Then you could sack off the psycho by text and if he comes round shouting the odds again your ex would be there for support.
Even if the ex moving in isn't an option you should still tell him the truth - you made a mistake and believed this guy was sorry and not crazy and now you're afriad. If the ex is a nice as you say he might be pissed off at you but will still help.
I think you should get a new phone and facebook etc. the day you move. He sounds nuts. Write him a letter that you are finished and why and post it ten seconds before you get in the moving van.
Future, I suggest you contact Women's Aid as they can advise you on the best way to end this relationship safely.
Join the discussion
Please login first.