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Seething with anger, if that's even the right word

(47 Posts)
ExpatTrailingSpouse Wed 27-Sep-17 20:46:35

Still dealing with aftermath of stbx's affair, over 2 years after D-Day. I didn't think I was angry, but deep down I think I really am.

Why is it that I'm the one who's getting screwed over in all of this? So many things to be angry about:

I always wanted children. Made it clear to him before we ever got engaged. He didn't really but wasn't honest about it. Left me to do literally everything for DS when he was born up to the point I found out about his affair, but now trying to play the part of devoted dad (fat fucking chance!), but I'm the one who loses time with my DS 50% of the time. This hurts the most.

One STD and consequent surgery later, I've still got bloody issues down there almost 3 months after the surgery. Why can't his bloody penis rot and fall off?

All the gaslighting, all the times he told me i was such a terrible wife and person to him meanwhile he's planning holidays with OW under the guise of business trips. with the help of a new therapist, i've only just come to realize how much shit i did, how much i put up with, and how much he beat my sense of self down. In 3 years, he literally never woke up once during the night to help with DS. All the time I was quietly suffering thinking I was a shit mum for not managing better, he was off with OW or thinking about OW. All the time he wouldn't spend more time at home, saying he needed to do longer hours at work after DS was born, he was planning how to be with OW.

All of his fake and lame attempts at so-called reconciliation. only realized too late he's incapable of such a thing, but let myself hope for sake of DS.

Being stuck in a rotten Trump loving part of a foreign country I never wanted to live in, because I made the mistake of trusting he was a faithful husband when I pretty much tanked my own career prospects to support his as a trailing spouse.

Applying for jobs in an industry I have no interest in and probably can't even get hired in because that's my only fall back plan if this godforsaken redneck place doesn't let me leave to go home with DS.

STBX making divorce as long, painful and damaging for me and DS as possible because he can't stand the thought that I am choosing to leave him.

How can someone be so morally bankrupt? he has actually told me he would get up and lie in court about the affair (I have all his travel bookings with her, his handwritten letters apologizing for being a cheat and liar etc) so that he can screw me over more in the settlement.

and i hate the term "wayward spouse". nope, they didn't get lost and trip and fall into OW, they made conscious decisions to cheat (maybe with the except of drunk/drugged one night stands). i've taken great satisfaction in calling him a cheater and a liar to his face. because in his mind, he's done nothing wrong, so being called a cheater shocks him and makes him flinch.

it's like a low burn in my gut that i can't get rid of. what can you do to get rid of it? i don't want to become that bitter person that can't let go, but because of DS i'm going to be linked to this horrid person for years to come.

why can't karma come and dump on these assholes like they deserve?

OhHolyJesus Wed 27-Sep-17 20:56:08

Didn't want to read and run, so sorry you're stuck. Life can be such a bitch. Hope he gets what he deserves and your health improves. You sound like you're strong and have it together so keep on going. Your DS has a great example to look up to x

foolonthehill Wed 27-Sep-17 20:57:00

I don't know about the karma but I found that the only true way topeace (mostly) was time.

My grief/pain/anger were like layers of an onion.
At first it was useful emotional energy to get me through the shitty court process and exhausting process of starting a new home with DCs.
Then I dealt with layer upon layer of emotion...periods of relative tranquility then another layer .set off by something or nothing.

I was married for 12 years, we separated 6 yrs ago, I still carry the scars and have a life affected by him (career lost, damaged children etc) but mostly I look at him and feel he is a total looser, poor excuse for a man and that however good his life looks from the outside (and it does look good, much better than mine) he is still a looser and always will be.

Be kind to yourself and allow your feelings to be seen and expressed but don't let them rule you. In the end your stbx has to live with himself...what.a joy you won't have to ever again!

Good luck

foolonthehill Wed 27-Sep-17 20:58:24

oops LOSER....though with his morals perhaps looser too?

jeaux90 Wed 27-Sep-17 21:03:52

I got stuck in the gulf with an absolute bastard of an ex. I moved out but it hen took me 9 months to negotiate leaving the country with my dd.

He was an asshole too.

What do you really want to do?

ExpatTrailingSpouse Wed 27-Sep-17 21:23:58

it does satisfy me a little to know that he is indeed a loser. and that he is a poor excuse for not just a man, but any human being. it's satisfying to see his "surprise" when i've told him i wouldn't waste any of my precious time getting revenge on him, he's not worth it. people like that hate being dismissed.

jeaux90 -
if i were being super petty, i'd love it if his professional reputation and career tanked, if he ended up old and alone because of his selfishness and poor morals, if he ended up with penile cancer. i'd actually love it if i managed to get back into work and then became uber successful and rubbed it in his face. even better if it were at the same company as him and i overtook him.

realistically none of those things will happen and i have to remind myself to be a mature adult and rise above. and maybe have faith that karma will get him in the end.

spangleknickers Wed 27-Sep-17 21:39:14

I did a very similar thing, as in follow my spouse to a Trump loving bit of a country. I ended up being the one who broke up the marriage and stayed in that place as a single mom of 2. I CANNOT EVEN imagine how I would feel if I had been betrayed by the man that I had followed over the ocean. It is such a sacrifice to be away from family and friends. You have my massive sympathy. What an arse

spangleknickers Wed 27-Sep-17 21:42:54

Oh - the surgery down to an STD...Fucking HELL! Are you stuck here because he will not let you move back home?

ExpatTrailingSpouse Wed 27-Sep-17 22:56:01

Stuck because he won't let DS leave so my choices are to leave and abandon DS (never going to happen) or stay and potentially become undocumented with no way to support myself. And family law here is very much against DC being moved.

RandomMess Wed 27-Sep-17 22:59:27


Winteriscomingneedmorewood Wed 27-Sep-17 23:04:50

Karma is worth the wait. .
Exh spent 9 years trying to poison dsx 2 against me. I battled on, wanting to give up at times - like when he tried to frame me for £2k of parking tickets, dragged dc arrangements out for 4 years in court, had my dog pts, starved my rabbit to death, told my dc I was a prostitute, sent utility Co chasing me for his bills, . .
And then - dc reached teen years - supposed to be the toughest to parent - and they finally saw his true colour's and had the guts to act. .
Both live full time with me and nc with df.
Life is truly wonderful. .
Have faith ladies. Have faith.

ExpatTrailingSpouse Wed 27-Sep-17 23:07:06

Here's a good one.
I spent two nights away from DS once before d-day to drive to my nephews birthday because stbx refuses to go with me and I couldn't face a 5 hour drive alone with a baby.
Probably weeks worth of holiday used up over time to spend on trips with OW. Last one being an almost two week European holiday.
After a year of stbx shit attempts at reconciliation, I mentioned that another international trailing spouse gets two weeks a year to herself to take a trip wherever she wants kid free. His response was it was ridiculous and why should I get a break?

ExpatTrailingSpouse Thu 28-Sep-17 01:34:55

winter - that's awful. some people are just toxic wastes of space.

sometimes i think i just need to wait another 10-12 years and DS will be free to decide for himself, and others the thought of being tied in any way to stbx for that long feels unbearable.

Leavingonajet Thu 28-Sep-17 02:22:58

I have nothing useful to say but I am full of admiration that you are strong enough to consider staying as an undocumented person in the US to be with your DC. Your DC will grow up and realise what an impressive mother you are.

exhaustedmumof4 Thu 28-Sep-17 15:57:17

That anger you feel is righteous anger and will see you through your divorce. I highly recommend this website and also her book 'leave a cheater, gain a life' for advice on disordered cheaters. I'm so sorry this happened to you but take comfort in the fact you are a good person and he is a piece of shit flowers

ExpatTrailingSpouse Thu 28-Sep-17 23:29:55

leaving - i wouldn't stay as an undocumented as that would ruin any possibilities in future. but i would leave and come back as a visitor according to whatever the rule is (i think every 6 months) if i needed to. think i'm mentally preparing myself for worst case scenario while hoping for best.

exhausted - i've read the book, i only wish i'd read it closer to D-day. i got caught in sunken fallacy, fearing the stigma/shame of having a cheating husband/failed marriage etc etc. i think i knew deep down he wouldn't be remorseful and that he couldn't change, just hoped for it for DS sake.

amazing how many people come out of the woodworks once you openly admit this crap is happening to you. i now know of four expat trailing spouses, including myself, to whom this exact thing is happening, and all of our spouses work for the same company. i'm sure there's many many more.

ExpatTrailingSpouse Mon 02-Oct-17 23:57:59

ugh... it doesn't get better. we've now progressed to complete denial of the existence of OW. how the fuck does he think that works? when i've got his travel bookings all over europe with her? including where he booked flights and trains and hotels for both of them. as well as all his fake letters crying that he was so sorry for cheating, he'll do anything to make it up.

gotta get my ass in gear and really push on the divorce front to get free of this waste of space as soon as i can.

Carouselfish Tue 03-Oct-17 00:56:25

Can you move state or at least to a city where there'd be less Conservative people?

onceisok Tue 03-Oct-17 01:31:49

Where are you? Move to a nicer part with a nice community that will support you. flowers

ExpatTrailingSpouse Tue 03-Oct-17 04:31:39

carousel - sadly not that simple. Many countries are signatory to The Hague convention. So a parent can file in court and claim the other parent moved the children without consent. Even moving state would be difficult now, and possibly even city within this state depending on how far or how many counties away or some ridiculous thing. Never mind if the resident parent has no way to earn a living in the current location ...

once - luckily do have a good support network here. But not one that's going to be much use practically speaking if I do end up stuck here without legally being able to work.

It just makes me angry that I'm the one who literally has to suffer all the consequences of him cheating, while all he's concerned about is that I'm going to get half the marital assets (as I bloody well should) and loudly proclaims he never cheated and there was never any other woman that he took holidays with.

wtffgs Tue 03-Oct-17 04:55:32

Oh god! No practical advice - just wishing you strength to get through this flowers

Charolais Tue 03-Oct-17 05:40:02

I’m a Brit and back in the 1970’s I was divorced in the U.S.

I became an resident alien (Green Card) and have been here ever since. My son was 4 when I left his father. I have really thrived here deep in a red conservative area, which I love because it is rural and much safer than where I first lived in the U.S. which was on the east coast.

When I separated and went through the divorce I had no friends or support of any kind. I was totally alone and could not even drive.

When I was going through my divorce you didn’t have to have a reason (grounds) for getting divorced. I let him keep everything but some household furniture and because it was uncontested we never even had to go to court. I wanted a clean break from him and got it. It was bliss.

The life I have lived here since the divorce over 40 years ago has been wonderful, although very hard at first and has turned out far better than the lives of all my old friends back in England.

By the way I became a Conservative and a Trump supporter.

RandomMess Tue 03-Oct-17 06:23:59

Expat it does seem like he has some sort of personality order doesn't it.

As part of the divorce can you be awarded more than 50% because you can't work and he won't let you move?

He and his family are more shitty than you though possible...

category12 Tue 03-Oct-17 07:19:03

Charolais, how did you support yourself?

Maddiemademe Tue 03-Oct-17 18:09:12

Detatch, detach, detach!!! I can not emphasis that enough. It doesn't seem fair that these pieces of shit seem to not get any sort of comeback for their behaviour to us but people with such a low moral compass come unstuck eventually.

I used to constantly react to my ex's toxic and abusive behaviour until one day after about 2 years I practised being a brick wall. Fake it until you make it and all that jazz. One day I realised I genuinely didn't care enough to give him any sort of reaction. They get bored eventually when they can't get anything from you emotionally anymore.

Hang on in there, I know it doesn't feel like it but it will get better. Remember you are a brick wall, be as boring and unemotional as possible. Even better, use a third party to communicate and don't give him any ammo to attack you with. flowers

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