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Would you ignore these warning signs? Nightmare boyf?

(92 Posts)
Sammy3519821982 Tue 26-Sep-17 19:58:21

Ive been with someone a year and we dont live together. He is an extrememly clean and tidy person and very organised...eg finances. Immaculate house.

He used to joke "we can live together when u complete your training".. jokingly referring to housework. Hes stopped this now but still makes jokes like "when we live together youll have no time for x y z as youll be hoovering all time.. cringey "joke".

He commented that we have "different standards" which was insulting altho he accepted he has above average high standards which are ott. I moved house recently and he used to say "when u have a new place youll want to treat it really well" (my flat was always clean n tidy.. not immaculate tho!)

He goes on about how tired he is and how much he has "to do".. he lives alone in a nice house. Makes a huge deal of how ges washed my towel or hoovered up my hair in bathroom lol (i am very clean n tidy at his but yes i have ling hair and malt lol!)

He once said his friends say he needs a gf but he says he needs a cleaner

I know this all sounds like silly petty banter but im worried living with this guy would be a nightmare :-/

Anyone else live with someone like this and find its ok??

MyBrilliantDisguise Tue 26-Sep-17 19:59:42

Oh no, you couldn't live with him! It would be a constant battle with you on the losing side. No, find someone else!

EezerGoode Tue 26-Sep-17 20:01:43

No. Just no

ruthieruthuk Tue 26-Sep-17 20:04:47

Sounds like he has OCD n sounds pretty extreme! Maybe instead of just binning him off u could talk these concerns over with him and see if there's a way through this.. Best of luck x

EezerGoode Tue 26-Sep-17 20:05:46

My dh had towels warmed and brought to him by his dm when he was in the shower.the whole time he lived at home...when I met him I thought it funny.....not so funny when I had married him and he expected the same from me....a swift get to fuck nipped that in the bud,but we were incompatible,there was no way I was doing for my dh / dc what mil did for her dc/ dh...we are still together,ive yet for formulate my exit plan

arousingcheer Tue 26-Sep-17 20:06:16

My friend's dh is like this and he is a nightmare.

I guess it's possible to put to him that your way of doing things is as valid as his and you're just as fully formed a person (ie not in need of 'training' ffs) and see if he is receptive. But no, this way of thinking (that there is a right way and no other way to do things in his environment) would indicate to me that he is inflexible and reluctant to compromise, and that is a red flag.

RewoB Tue 26-Sep-17 20:22:18

Def one to discuss with him. Given how his tactic is to make 'jokes' about your issues (for want of a better word) i'd turn that back at him. Make regular jokes about him being OCD, needing to take a chill pill, being high maintenance etc & see if maybe this helps the two of you meet in the middle - you may have to get more organised & he may have to relax some. If that doesn't work & it continues to be an issue it may suggest you guys are incompatible.

BrandNewHouse Tue 26-Sep-17 20:23:48

Eughh.

The problem you have is that he sees, believes actually, that his OCD traits make him morally superior to you. If you asked him "Does your tidiness make you better than me?" he will answer "Yes". You should decide whether you want to be his inferior- and you will be. In this matter and all matters.

CoyoteCafe Tue 26-Sep-17 20:29:39

Run for the hills.

category12 Tue 26-Sep-17 20:29:44

Don't live with him. He sounds like he really does want a cleaner, not a girlfriend. Why would you be the one doing all the hoovering to his standards? I wouldn't see his criticisms as joky either, I'd view them as jibes. Nope.

Anecdoche Tue 26-Sep-17 20:30:03

he isnt joking!!

seriously.

he is doing that horrible thing of saying something awful that you actually mean but pretending it is a joke so you can act all injured if the other person gets pissed off.

dont move in with him. it will be a nightmare!!!

TheFifthKey Tue 26-Sep-17 20:31:38

He's literally telling you what he'll be like. Heed it or not, but don't be surprised when he turns out to be exactly how he promised.

Offred Tue 26-Sep-17 20:41:43

OCD? OCD is about having obsessive compulsions not being a controlling arsehole about housework...

Agree with others, he's not joking. He is telling you what living with him will be like - you will be a cleaner not a girlfriend.

My ex had a time of saying things like 'when I met you I harboured secret fantasies that you would sort my life out for me, like a PA'... and I should have taken that seriously because that's what he actually expected (though he never mentioned that the constant positioning me as his mother against my will would also be met with deep paranoia about me 'controlling' and 'manipulating' him).

I lived with someone similar. He did not relax. He had serious control issues that went beyond housework. It ended very badly.

Elvisola Tue 26-Sep-17 20:47:59

My DH used to be like this in his own flat. It drove me mad.

We moved in together and over the years we have both subconsciously compromised. I have ended up a lot less messy (I used to be a horror!) and he has unclenched.

To me our house is always tidy and things are put away but he feels it is messy (but doesn't criticise). I often say he would be happiest living in a little white box - just him and his duster.

It can work as long as both of you work together.

nicenewdusters Tue 26-Sep-17 20:51:42

They're warning signs for a reason - you have been warned.

Find somebody who'll accept you for who/what you are. It's not him.

trevthecat Tue 26-Sep-17 20:53:55

This sounds like me and my partner. He is very clean and tidy. I am also but not to his level. We have lived together 2 years now and I do keep the house cleaner than I used to but I don't to his ridiculous standards. If he wants it cleaner, he can do it. We have had words a few times (once because he was annoyed I don't clean the entire kitchen after breakfast..... I don't have time! It's always done before he is home in the evening. He only knows because he sometimes nips home during the day) it's about finding a level ground

Chestervase1 Tue 26-Sep-17 20:56:34

He is telling you who he is, listen to him.

DarklyDreamingDexter Tue 26-Sep-17 20:56:53

Watching with interest as my DP is a bit like this and I've just moved in with him!

Shayelle Tue 26-Sep-17 21:08:01

I have OCD like this .. it is quite depressing. I'd feel sorry for someone who wanted to live with me. Just tell him you wouldn't move in with him as he's too uptight about cleaning standards, and go from there? Maybe in time you will naturally grow together. flowers

troodiedoo Tue 26-Sep-17 21:09:14

My dh is very houseproud does all the cleaning. I'm average maybe very slightly on the messy side. But he would never dream of nagging me, even in jest. I do cooking. But I would never mock his culinary efforts. Respect goes a long way.

YokoReturns Tue 26-Sep-17 21:11:02

Not OCD. OCPD -

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/ocdpersonality.html

Avoid anyone with these traits —PILs—

Sammy3519821982 Tue 26-Sep-17 21:27:06

Omg YOKO! That link!.. its him!! It says " Another key characteristic of OCPD is a strong devotion to work and productivity, .. ". Thsts him! he is obsessed with us both "working hard".. "we must work hard together as a team .. then we can treat ourselves to a day out or a hol etc".. that type of talk . Plus he admits himself hes a perfectionist.
Hes also overly formal in the way he talks..the language ge uses! .. even to me (ie his gf not work colleague).. plus hid obsession with money, saving, coupons, getting deals etc! ive felt more like his business partner than gf sometimes. He sent me a spreadsheet of pur holiday cost/spending money once. He keeps track of whose spending what..

YokoReturns Tue 26-Sep-17 21:28:35

So many people have it. His parents no doubt have it, too.

DH’s parents are like this, they are very difficult. I hate spending any time with them.

SuperSkyRocketing Tue 26-Sep-17 21:40:06

Those "jokes" definitely aren't jokes. I'd run for the hills if I were you.

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