Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Not going to my sis's wedding(37 Posts)
I'm so depressed. I've decided to not attend my sisters wedding because of my toxic parents and now my sister, siblings and all my friends and relatives are pressuring me to go. It wasn't a decision I took lightly, I cried most nights and keep asking myself why not just go?
I've been unhappy most of my life. My mother is very toxic and narcissistic. She had been calling me slut, prostitute, ugly, dumb, useless for most of life until I grew to just accept she is the way she is. She would get attention by threatening to hang herself most nights and cause us many sleepless nights even when we had school the following morning. She even ran around naked drunk and vomited everywhere expecting me her 11 year old to clear the mess. Even when I grew up had a job she would do crazy things to get attention and ran outside on the road in the middle of the night drunk then I had to pick her up from the prison cell the following morning. I basically grew up parenting my own mother and my two younger sisters (whom I love to bits). When my parents would leave us at home to go gambling my sisters (then 6 and 7) would cry and I has to hug and comfort her and pretend to be a mother.
Now I'm grown up woman with my own family it all became too much when she wanted to allow my sis in law to hit my 6 year old son and said I should do what I'm told or a bad curse will happen to me and even hinted it could be death. When I was pregnant with my son we went into a argument and she told me if I don't treat her well watch what might happen to my unborn child! You can imagine throughout my pregnancy I was stressed. I was constantly worried about her cursing. I really am scared of her. I have nightmares of her and had to see Dr and therapist to seek advice. They told me to cut all contact for my own sanity and for my children's safety. Its been three years of no contact now. But my sister is getting married in 10 days time and my anxiety and depression is all coming back. I get msgs from relatives who's travelling from US coming for her wedding and they're asking me why I'm not going. And I just got a msg from my younger brother saying 'what would it take for you to go to your sisters wedding?' I feel so scared. My husband who's been the best person in this world to me and stood by me through these hard times told me to just ignore them. I feel awful. I have a big family. They're all very dominant and I have no say whatsoever and I'm worried once theres contact my mother would do the nice nasty cycle again. I did go through phases of self harming when I was a teenager but my mother just laughed and called me dumb. My brother grabbed a knife and said 'if you're brave enough just do it the proper way and kill yourself'. These memories I cannot forget. Then I did it again when I had a family because I was so depressed. I know my husband will have enough of me being such a scapegoat that he'll probably leave me. I'm certain I'm making the right decision not to go but everyone in my family will have no contact with me including my dearest sisters. I already told my sister (who's getting married) that I'll contribute money towards her honeymoon, treat her and her hubby to a nice meal and if she needs any help I'm here for her but shes not having any of it. She don't want contact with me. They think I should just accept mum the way she is. What would you do if you was in my situation? Sorry its such a depressing story but I'm desperate and my therapist isn't answering my calls for weeks. Thank you for reading.
Your making the right decision op.
She doesn't sound like a mother she sounds like a monster. Do what's best for you and your mental health. Ignore all these flying monkeys and well done for getting away from them all.
So sorry to see what a hard time you have had. It sounds like you are making the right decision for you and your family, and others will have to accept that.
I suggest even if your sister refuses your offer to take her out and celebrate with her you make it clear that your offer stands and you would love to see her. Possibly she will feel differently about seeing you once the stress of the wedding is over?
I am wondering if you are the family scapegoat and that is why they want you there.
Stay away from them all, OP, do what is right for you. You are not obliged to put up with shit from anyone, just because you have DNA in common. Your husband sounds lovely and you sound like your family is happy. Concentrate on the good relationships, ignore the bad. If your sister cannot accept this compromise, then tough. It's not about her and her wedding isn't compulsory.
My ex is a narc. I would absolutely refuse to be anywhere near him and just because she is your mother it doesn't change the prescription of dealing with a narc. No contact. Don't go. Stay well. Don't do it to yourself x
Christ! Don't go OP - your offer to your sister to pay towards honeymoon, take for a meal etc was very kind and generous and shows your commitment to her. Don't let them force you, do what's right for you and your emotional health. And find another therapist if you need to and yours has gone AWOL.
Your mum sounds absolutely awful and the rest of your family seem to think your mum's behaviour is OK. If you don't want to go then don't.. Sounds like you have to find ways to protect yourself.
You need to get a new number and not give it to any of them. These are dangerous people.
Thank you so much for your advice I feel so much better reading some of your post and I feel reassured that I'm making the right decision. Now I just got another message from my other sister saying "mom and dad just wants you home and thinking about it...its really not as bad as you think." FFS She's never been pregnant and had her own mother point at her and say something bad will happen to your child.' Shes never suffered half the abuse I had because she was smart, successful the favourite child. She think my parents are the way they are and I should just accept it. I feel soooo angry that she just won't understand. But I shouldn't care about what they think the most important thing is my family is safe. We live 'normal' without any screams, shouting, physical and mental abuse. My husband is doing everything he can to stop me from tempting to go and arranged a day out for us all. I 'm just going to ignore my siblings text till later.
I'd ignore your siblings text full stop. She's a "flying monkey"
You are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing. Look at how it's affecting you just thinking about it
But thank you once again for each and every single one of your message. It means alot to me. I feel better.
Feel sorry for your sister she has been trained to behave as a flying monkey. Wish her well but be clear that you won't be going then ignore x
You have made the right decision indeed not to go to your sister's wedding.
You do not need any of your family of origin in your life; stay away from them all. Quite apart from your narcissistic mother you're also now getting her flying monkeys; this is usual for such dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy families.
Get a new number and do not give them this under any circumstances. If your therapist remains unavailable find a new person to work with and preferably someone with vast knowledge of narcissistic family structures.
The "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages is well worth a read of and posting on also.
You need to block all of their numbers- it's v simple on an iPhone- and block them on Facebook, email, everything. Walk away and breathe. You owe your awful family nothing. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Take it from someone who has gone NC and saved her sanity because of it: walk away. Totally away. No good can ever come from keeping in contact with these horrible people.
And when you do you will eventually find peace and clarity and strength, and you will find you're a happier person and a more present, less stressed parent. Do it for your kids if not for yourself. End this now.
I'm sending you a big hug and lots of strength. Fuck your sisters wedding. Forget about it immediately. X
I have a big family. They're all very dominant and I have no say whatsoever
Now is your chance to settle this once and for all.
They can't physically drag you to the wedding - all they can do is get verbal and try to get inside your head.
Your 'dearest' sisters should love you enough to respect your decision - even if they don't agree with you.
Threatening to take sides/stop talking to you etc - that's just manipulation and emotional blackmail.
Find one sentence that says everything and repeat it to anyone who interferes.
e.g "I've made my decision and i won't discuss this any further".
Ignore their call/txt messages - or block their numbers until after the wedding.
I'd rather stick hot needles in my eyes than be surrounded by people like this... you do what is right for YOU Lady
Thank you for all your great advice! Sometimes it takes something like this for me to wake up and realize it shouldn't be acceptable to be treated like that. I need more anger in me and you guys are helping by being angry with me. I realize that it takes anger to protect yourself from being hurt but I was always too scared to get angry incase I upset them. When I stand up for myself suddenly I would be the twisted trouble maker that cause drama in the family. Sod it now. My husband and children are my world and I'll do all I can to protect them....I am angry! I am angry that she cursed my child, I am angry she ignored my cries when I was abused by my uncle, I am angry because she is a mother from hell. But I'm glad to say I will never be like her and I'll be the best mother to my children, love them, protect them, appreciate them and give them unlimited hugs and kisses everynight. Thank you all I'm so glad I wrote this thread and I will not be seeing my parents again! xx
I am so glad that you have made this decision! If you went, your parents would only be abusive and make a scene, then try to turn the rest of your extended family away from you! My husband and i have been through this with his narcissistic sociopathic parents, suddenly flying monkeys were coming out of the woodwork, in the form of my husbands aunts, cousins, grandmother and his sibling. My dh wasn't coping with his mental health, due to a lifetime of emotional and psychological abuse, his parents running him down and spreading blatant and incredibly malicious lies to their extended family. My husband almost committed suicide out of the distress they caused. I took things into my own hands with support from my husbands therapist. We cut off completely from his parents and then individually with each 'flying monkey' who tried to intervene. It was honestly the best thing for my husband. Its been five years now and his confidence has grown, he is now confident, content and flourishing. He has no regrets about going no contact and he has no intention of ever reestablishing contact.We have each other, our children and a good life. I'm so pleased that you don't intend to allow these awful people to reenter and attempt to destroy you and your family unit. If this was anyone outside of family treating you so badly, you would have no qualms about cutting them out!
Good for you. Stay strong and assertive OP. And if you need another pep talk you can always rely on us!!!
Have you done any reading on narcissistic or toxic mothers?
If not then go onto Amazon and do a search for this.
Do some reading, it will hopefully help validate your actions.
What would I do in this situation?
I would go but...... I do NOT have a mother like yours.
I did not suffer abuse from my parents or any other relative so I really have no idea how hard it must be.
You are totally doing the right thing for you and your family.
Find a new therapist, if this one is ignoring your calls it is not the right one for you.
Have a lovely family day and put all this out of your mind for the day.
Thank you all for your advice. It really helps with my healing although I do go through phases of happiness then sadness. I just hope one day I'll overcome the sadness and just be happy. I have read loads about toxic mothers and my mom not only ticks all the boxes but more on the psychopath side. RescuePuppy I can completely relate you your hubby on this one. I was feeling suicidal and then seeked medical help and went on anit-depressants. The only trouble with me is there is still that sadness there. I just pray one day I'll be happy. Thank you all for your messages again it means alot to me.
You will be happy. You deserve it.
Don't let these creatures keep pulling you back.
Under normal or semi normal circumstances I'd always advise people to go to a family wedding if invited. Under these circumstances, I say run screaming in the opposite direction. Dear God. Look after yourself.
You are still allowing yourself to suffer abuse. After a miserable childhood, for goodness sake, stick with your husband and children. Let them all go. Go for that day out and congratulate yourself that despite all the odds you have broken away. Change your phone numbers, everything, keep away from the. Toxic lot of them
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.