Was this just "not very nice"?

[lifeislikeapileofshit]

Me and (D)H are separated and have been since he cheated on me earlier this year. He's done lots of awful things since the separation but I've been reflecting on if he did awful things while we were still together.

Towards the end of our relationship we didn't have sex. We had a co-sleeping baby and a toddler who still woke in the night. Before the second DC was conceived, and afterwards I would wake up with him touching me between my legs. I would wake up to him doing it and would feel disgusted but physically turned on so I would carry on, sometimes to completion like that and sometimes it would become sex. Afterwards I would fee just disgusting and the next morning I would feel ashamed. When I would say to him that he did that the night before he would say "I thought you were awake" or "you put my hand there" and he would apologise. I'm now confused about if he did this knowing I was asleep but would wake up turned on. Or if it was as he said and I initiated it, or he thought I was awake.

Was this my fault? Or was it his? I think it was this that lead to me not wanting to have sex with him as sex felt dirty and left me feeling disgusting. Am I dirty and disgusting?

[pimmsy]

You are not disgusting and you are not dirty. It was not your fault.

I hope that some posters who are better with their words will be along soon.

[JenNtonic]

Awwwww hope you're ok. He sounds like a weird prick. Listen, ou're DEFINETELY not dirty, wrong or disgusting. You're ASLEEP, you CANT CONSENT, it's abuse. Sorry lovely xX

[Fibbertigibbet]

How can it be your fault? You were asleep! He is the one in the wrong for doing things to you and not with you in sex, and making you feel dirty and disgusting. Nobody deserves to feel that way, and I'm sorry you had to go through this.

[lifeislikeapileofshit]

But what if I did put his hand there? And because I had put his hand there he assumed I was awake?

That's what he always said had happened.

[JenNtonic]

I've pushed my partners hand to my mouth, my head, my ass, lots of places in sleep, didn't mean I wanted a gum rub, head massage or a fingering.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but no matter what , it's wrong. There's nothing wrong with you it's him being a selfish, projecting, excuse spitting prick xx

[lifeislikeapileofshit]

Because he did this I used to recoil when he'd put his hands on me, no matter how innocently. It made his hands on me feel like a punishment.

I'm much better off without him aren't I?

[BertrandRussell]

Even if you did, that doesn't make you dirty and disgusting!

[JenNtonic]

You're better off without him because he cheated on you earlier this year AND because of this xX

[HerOtherHalf]

But what if I did put his hand there? And because I had put his hand there he assumed I was awake?

What if he's lying through his teeth because the alternative is that he sexually assaulted you (which is what it would be both legally and morally)?

He's a creep. You're well rid.

[JenNtonic]

What she said ^^

[Strawberryshortcake40]

My ex used to do this. In fact I often used to wake from sleep to find he had his fingers inside me. Or that my hand was wrapped around his cock. Apparently he knew I wanted it. Chronically sleep deprived with a baby who was waking every two hours I found that unlikely. But it took me a very long time to realise he was actually assaulting me. Not sure I've processed it even now. I've never slept properly since.

You aren't asking for it in your sleep. He is abusing you. End of. But I know how horrible it is to accept that.

[DinnaeKnowShitFromClay]

Pretty confident you have been sexually assaulted in your sleep but there is an element of his having done such a good job on you, you are still not sure in your own mind. Your natural reaction when awake is proof that you felt assaulted by this. You are well rid. Chances are he will try this shit with someone else and he will end up wearing a piece of heavy furniture! He's taking advantage of the blurred margin here OP.

[lifeislikeapileofshit]

I suppose it's sort of academic now. But it's another thing to remind myself of in those moments of weakness, when I try to reason away everything awful that he's done since we separated when I think I want him back, to tell me that even when we were together things weren't as good as I remember them being.

[Loopytiles]

It was sexual abuse and was solely his fault.

[hellsbellsmelons]

That's what he always said had happened.
That is called Gaslighting Abuse.
Google it.
I think you'll find it enlightening.
Also please buy or download the Lundy Bancroft book Why does he do that?
I think you'll find your STBEXH in there!
It will all help to validate that you are right and and you are totally doing the right thing.

[HerOtherHalf]

But it's another thing to remind myself of in those moments of weakness, when I try to reason away everything awful that he's done since we separated when I think I want him back, to tell me that even when we were together things weren't as good as I remember them being.

None of us can say for certain if you put his hand there or not, though personally I think it far more likely he's lying. However, let's assume for a minute that it's true. Let's assume that you put his hand on your vagina in your sleep and he did not realise you were unconscious. Let's assume that you might use this sort of approach to initiate sex generally such that it didn't seem remotely unusual to him. Maybe, and that is a big maybe, you might have excused him for a misunderstanding and honest mistake, once and once only. Where it all falls down however is that, on more than one occassion, you had made it clear to him after the fact that you had not knowingly initiated sexual contact, had no recollection of doing so and felt, in any other words, violated. Any decent man would be genuinely mortified and never let it happen a second time. They would realise that they had horrifically misread the situation and they sure as hell would not make the same mistake again, any decent man that is. He did it repeatedly, QED he is abusive scum with no shred of an excuse, beyond any reasonable doubt. Please remember that, any time you might be having moments of weakness and think you might want him back. You trusted him to share a bed with you, you trusted him to treat you with respect at your most vulnerable (asleep and partially clothed at most) and he completely betrayed that trust time and time again.