Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do I change things???

(18 Posts)
danqueen Tue 26-Sep-17 17:20:11

Been with my partner 3 yrs
Split in the new year for 3 months as he was so stressed which took its til on us all
Have a dd aged 6
Really thought it was over but he begged me back
He was stressed as he is in debt but he's really trying to turn his life around
He's taken control of the debt and working his ass off
Too hard in fact but we seem to be battling the work life balance all the time
He works two jobs and even he said he needs to take his gas off the pedal so he told me yesterday he wouldn't he working tonight but we argued this morning as he took lo to school so I could get to work early to do over time and he said my lo got upset
( she only gets upset if she's really being told off ) so I asked him if he was too hard on her
He said he wasn't and my lo backed up tonight when asking her what happened she said he didn't get angry ( she would tell me ) asked her in my own way
I always ask any issues when I pick her up and she's brilliant at telling me if something has upset her
Anyway he got annoyed as I supposed I questioned him
I get that BUT now we've argued most the day via text as he seems to have gone back to his old ways
Saying yes I'm shit ( I've NEVER said anything Iike that ) yes it's all my fault and just not answering my calls etc
His second job is lorry driving so I've called the depot to see if he turned up they said he did but his phones off
Been off since 2pm which is unlike him
Ive spoken to his mum who I'm super close with and she said she feels for him as he's trying to provide ?!
But we don't live together yet
( we are saving for a deposit whilst trying to clear debt!) but he's making me feel upset and it's something he said he wouldn't do when he begged me back
Rather than saying bin him what else can I do? Am I wrong for thinking if we've sat down time after time after time talking saying let's give this another go that maybe it just won't work? I don't want to feel like that but I don't think he's being very fair
When we split he was deviated and begged me to come back saying he loves me yet I don't feel loved when he turns off his phone
What do I do
Any advice ? Thanks

AdalindSchade Tue 26-Sep-17 17:23:42

Am I wrong for thinking if we've sat down time after time after time talking saying let's give this another go that maybe it just won't work? you're not wrong

beesandknees Tue 26-Sep-17 19:18:57

He's showing you who he is. He is not going to change.

Your actions have shown him that he can do whatever he likes, as long as he promises not to do it again, you'll take him back. You've already done it once, so of course that's what he thinks. Why would he change when you've taken him back on the basis of his words alone before? He knows now that he can just make a promise and you'll believe that...

Sorry op but he is who he is, this is how he deals with conflict, by his mother's response you can tell that this is just his way, it's probably how he was brought up. And it works for him.

You either accept him as he is or move on. Personally I would move on. He sounds like a child tbh. He's showing you loud and clear what he is made of, the question is, will you accept that and stop trying to change him? You will drive yourself mad trying to make other people behave better. The only person you can control is yourself x

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 26-Sep-17 19:33:11

He will not change. His way of dealing with stress is to take it out on you.

"But we don't live together yet"
Be grateful for small mercies; you do not have to disentangle into two households because you are already there.

danqueen Tue 26-Sep-17 19:57:17

So he's turned his phone on and messaged me at 530 said he would be over at 9
He's texted just now am I eating with him - no apology nothing
I've texted saying I'm going straight to bed as im really tired
To be honest I can't face seeing him as I know I'll get upset and it may lead to more arguing and I don't have it in me. I have work early tomorrow and I'm pretty much a single mum as I do everything alone as he works so much I feel exhausted
His reply was oh great so I've rushed my shift to see you
I went to reply and just didn't bother
I'm in bed and i just want to write the day off and sleep on it
Everything's better in the am
Thanks for the advice
It's the replies I thought I would get
Maybe just needed to hear it
Don't have anyone to talk to about it

beesandknees Tue 26-Sep-17 19:59:27

I'm sorry op. I do think you're right to just leave it for today and not get into a texting match with him. It's so exhausting when people behave like this isn't it? You just want to grab them and say "be a grown up ffs!" but sadly the issue is that many people just don't know how to do that, and they won't be taught.

You deserve better than what he's giving you.

Keep talking here, you'll get support and at least some clear eyed advice from those who aren't in the situation x

danqueen Tue 26-Sep-17 20:04:39

Thanks bees

I'm still learning - in the past I would be begging him back, calling, texting
Ok i did a bit of that today kept calling him but now I've reached my limit
My eyes are sore from so much crying, I've had a bad day at work, my little girl had an issue at school, and he is still angry at me / annoyed at me
I feel like I'm living someone else's life
Like I'm just existing
I'm finding everything about life hard
Working pretty much full time
Trying to raise my lo the best I can without feeling like it doing everything wrong
I'm tired all the time
I don't have any proper friends
And this isn't helping
Thanks for listening everyone

Ruddygreattiger2016 Tue 26-Sep-17 20:15:01

Op flowers
I am recently single with lo and its a million times easier without someone like that dragging you down and making life miserable. Please walk away from this and just concentrate on you and you lo, you will both be happier I promise.

Mumof41987 Tue 26-Sep-17 20:20:50

He thinks he can just click his fingers and you will jump to his tune . Stick to your guns and make him do the running . Can't believe his mum sticking up for him like that

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 26-Sep-17 20:23:50

we are saving for a deposit whilst trying to clear debt!
I hope this means that you are saving, he is paying off his debts.
I hope it does not mean you are paying off his debts for him while he is building up savings.

danqueen Tue 26-Sep-17 20:29:20

I don't earn that much to pay my rent bills let alone anymore lol
No he's not financially burdening me
He is very generous with his money
He even helps me out
That unfortunately isn't why I'm unhappy
He's a very generous man who wants to provide
But I'd rather have nothing and be happy then have everything and be miserable
He's a work a holiic and I'm not
I'm just gutted coz we've been through this, spoke and he said he didn't wanna lose us again
Yet he's falling back into his bad habits
I don't regret trying again
In fact it will make me stronger in the long run won't it

danqueen Tue 26-Sep-17 20:31:06

But he doesn't see it
His mum just expects me to be there for him no matter what
But how can I when it's affecting my own happiness
I'm 35 and I feel like my life's miserable and I feel bad as there's others out there a lot less fortunate
Need to give myself a kick I know lol
Just a bad day

C0untDucku1a Tue 26-Sep-17 20:34:04

Being generous with your money is not a good thing when youre in debt.

Text him and tell him not to come tonight. What would be the point?

danqueen Wed 27-Sep-17 07:08:30

I know that
That isn't what I meant
His debts are under control
As I say that's not the issue

danqueen Wed 27-Sep-17 07:09:29

I did tell him not to, I know that's completely shocked him as I don't ever do that
But as you can see from my post, I've had enough and he's made me feel exactly like he did before

TheNaze73 Wed 27-Sep-17 07:25:55

He sounds hard work OP. I think you need to take a step back & not micro manage his life.
Are you sure he wants to save for a deposit?

AlternativeTentacle Wed 27-Sep-17 07:37:43

It is not a bad day, it is a bad choice of partner.

You really need to avoid living with him - ever.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 27-Sep-17 10:08:23

If he's making you feel like shit then you know what to do.
You did it before and you can do it again.
Look out for yourself and your DD.
I think once you've kicked him to the curb for good you'll start to feel a bit better.
Have a look at and see if there are any mother and child groups in your area you could go to.
Get out there and leave this guy to his own devices.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: