My mum and mental health/anger

[opheliacat]

I hope no one minds this thread, which will probably be long and rambly.

My mum died when I was still at school. It obviously had a significant impact on me, but if I am honest I think that's because my dad just decided he was done with family life, so that was the last time I had the security of a home and family if you see what I mean.

I felt very sorry for her when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer but I didn't feel any real sense of personal loss. Everyone commented on how well I coped and if I am totally honest, it is because I knew that a dignified and quiet grief was more likely to elicit positive attention than weeping and wailing. I think I saw myself being the dutiful and loving daughter to a grief stricken widower (I was only a teenager!) As it turned out, the grief stricken widower wanted the dutiful daughter to kindly piss off!

She was always a strange woman. She would fly into rages at really tiny things. I do have a really early memory of cowering away from her and crying as she screamed at me. She would just lose it over complete non events. I can remember being about 12 and I was waiting for her outside my grandmother's house and she had left a cassette tape playing and I turned it down as one of my friends was going past and I was chatting to her and my mother came back and screamed at me all the way home for turning it off when a good song was playing. (It was Ricky Nelson It's Late.) I mean, I now get that she probably rowed with my gran but such an odd thing to fixate on.

She bore grudges like nobody's business. She hated the headteacher at my primary school because he wouldn't let me start the year before my correct academic year, so I turned five in the late autumn of 1986 but my mum wanted me to start in 1985. She went on and on about it and I remember another mum saying to me that she "whisked me out of the school" so it must have drawn some attention, although I don't remember it. I just remember my childhood and adolescence having these sudden explosions. I learned not to confide in her because it would get used against me months and years even, later - like if i came home moody and upset because Jenny and Katie had gone off and ignored me she would suddenly say months down the line cuttingly that no one liked me and I had no friends! If I tried to defend myself she'd recount every friendship hiccup over the last five years. "You'e got FRIENDS, have you, like Jenny is your FRIEND, like Katie is your FRIEND?" As everyone probably knows at 12/13 you can fall out with someone one day and be best friends the next, but it ruined my confidence. I am still amazed I managed to have as many friends as I did but looking back i was always really popular. But my mum had me believing for years they all hated me, that I always fell out with my friends because I was difficult to get along with.

She also used to crucify my appearance but she also didn't help me. If she bought me clothes they were middle aged frumpy ones so I used in desperation borrow my brother's band T shirts and wear with black leggings, and I used to think I looked ridiculous but I probably looked OK! She wouldn't let me get my hair cut or styled. I finally had it cut when I was fourteen and ramdonly won £50 in a competition and had my hair done. Everyone, even my teachers, commented on how nice it looked but my mum just kept snorting and saying it was "different."

She was a very heavy drinker and when I was 14/15 she woild sometimes physically go for me after a drinking session, although I once hit her first. I think she was a functioning alcoholic. A former colleague told me she used to drink at work and fall asleep at lunch, which shocked me.

I don't know. I also remember her being really lovely and kind, like when I had been very ill and had my appendix out and after I came home I wasn't asleep but pretended I was because I didnt want to talk, and I remember her putting a cover over me so gently and just kissing my cheek. She also used to book a lot of stuff she thought we'd like, like Disney (twice) and we went to Alton Towers, and other expensive places.

I know a lot of people must think oh, she is dead, let it go FFS (i actually never mention her in RL, I think most of my friends don't even realise) but I can't! I know how she was has really affected me. But I think on some level I need to know what drove it. I can live with "my mother was an alcoholic / had BPD / a psychopath / lonely, ill and confused / horrible" but which one?

[TheSockGoblin]

Wow this sounds very complex and very painful. It must be so hard to have had all these scary experiences, and also some pleasant ones as well. Wrap that up in her death and then your father checking out and it's no wonder you feel confused and angry.

Have you considered trying to access some therapy just to help you work through how you feel? You might never know for sure what was 'wrong' with her in terms of what sort of mental health issue / addiction etc she had. But what you can know for sure is that she was often not caring towards you and didn't show you the love you deserved.

That is terrible and I'm really sorry you experienced that - it really might be worth trying some therapy to come to terms with not only losing her early but also the issues with your father and how she treated you overall.

Do you and your brother ever talk about her?

[TalkinBoutNuthin]

How can you tell? You have distorted memories because you pulled away for your self-protection. Noone else is going to be honest enough with you about all of her faults.

Looking back at the relationship between her and her husband/your father, if he was able to withdraw from you so easily after her death, he was likely a pretty crap husband as well.

I look at my DF, and he's actually a pretty crap dad, and would have been a worse husband tbh. I feel sorry for my DM, but because of her religious beliefs there is no way on earth she would even consider separation or divorce, so she plods on, becoming more and more vile towards him.

She WANTS to be a loving mother, she WANTS to be a good example, but is simply unable to be. I remember snippets of wonderful things, but generally they get drowned out by the bad memories. I protected myself by going off on my own and withdrawing away from her. (Not necessarily in good ways, might I add, I went off the rails for quite awhile).

Even now she tries to give me advice on how to be a good mother, and I tell her that I won't take her advice because she was so bad at being a mother to me. Her response? 'I've learned from my mistakes and don't want you to make the some ones'. Erm, no. I've learned from your mistakes already thank you. I had to live on the receiving end of the hits and the screams.

I can't fully work her out, but actually, I don't need to, because trying to would be one of those never ending puzzles, with lots of missing pieces.

What I need to do is work me out. Work out how I'm affected, work out what part of me was damaged and try to make it better.