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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Sick of people questioning my choice to divorce

22 replies

IamImportantToo · 25/09/2017 16:15

I am so sick of comments from friends and family when they hear about my upcoming divorce. When I tell them it was my choice, inevitably one of the following types of comments is made:

a) I haven’t thought it through properly.
b) I have not tried to sort out our problems
c) I am over-reacting
d) I have not considered the reality of being single parent.
e) I have made the decision selfishly on a whim.

My decision has been made following several years of emotional abuse and withheld finances. He has also been a crap and detached parent and not made the effort with our disabled child, but obviously favoured the NT one. He has been obstructive regarding me seeking help for depression and unpleasant and contemptuous about my weight gain.

My mother - who I presumed would be, you know, on my side and supportive, (especially as she has witnessed some of the vicious comments to me) just says things like:

“Don’t you think you should stay and make an effort to work it out?”

“I think you are just a bit cross with each other. Why don’t you try to be nicer?”

“All I hear is your nagging” (this was after she witnessed an argument and him swearing at me and being really spiteful about my weight in front of kids, and also then telling the kids he’d had enough, was sick of us all and was ready to walk away and not be part of the family. He stormed off. Later I was crying I was so angry and trying to talk to her about it. She was saying he didn’t say anything unpleasant. He had called our child an arsehole to their face 😡. Her comment was she didn’t hear him say anything of the sort and only heard my nagging.

Recently she asked how I was. Usually I don’t mention it to her but figured I was over reacting. I said it was difficult at home, living in limbo until house sells etc. She said that ‘didn’t I think I should just stay with him, and work it out?’
I explained, again, that he was repeatedly nasty to me in front of people, contemptuous towards me in front of kids and they were learning to treat me exactly like he did. I said “Don’t I deserve more than that?”
She didn’t answer. She was silent then changed the subject.

Now his sister has started making comments too - I had previously asked her (in a friendly way) not to discuss it with me (she wanted to chat about it) as I didn’t think it appropriate and just didn’t want to talk about it anyway. (We have never been close) Now the texts have started.
“Don’t you think you should work it out?”
“It is so hard having kids and being single”
“Why don’t you try harder? Don’t you think the kids are going to be damaged?”

Actually, I feel like I have been parenting on my own despite being married and living with him for years. I do everything. Organise everything. Everything for the house. All the kid stuff. All the trips out are me and the kids. I sort out and attend the appointments and extras related to our child’s disability. I challenge the schools for support and take the PCT to task. He never comes to meeting. I never get a lie-in or a day off. I can never leave him to take charge. He needs detailed instructions to do anything. He doesn’t take responsibility for himself either. Instead he turns to me to care for him and sort every fucking thing out. He has been utterly spiteful about my depression and weight. He won’t even go to the GP unless I arrange it. When he was depressed he took no responsibility so this time nor did I.

And yet the suggestions from people close to me are:
I should try harder.
I should not consider my feelings. Faking my life is fine.
I should just suck it up.
I haven’t thought it through properly.
I haven’t considered the outcome of divorce
I’ve made a sudden and feckless decision.
I’m wrong.

I actually think it is the best decision I’ve made in years. And I am sticking to it. Star

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 25/09/2017 16:19

Good for you. Stick to your guns. Thank god for divorce I say.
Remember you don't have to justify yourself to anyone; they don't know what went on in your marriage.
I think you may need some new friends-the ones you have now aren't supporting you as they should. They have a nerve, frankly.

CockacidalManiac · 25/09/2017 16:19

Good for you. Sometimes people are shit/enablers, and project onto others because of their willingness to put up with crap relationships.
My own opinion is that life is too short. You certainly sound like you’ve thought deeply about this, and are doing the right thing; ignore the flying monkeys.

jeaux90 · 25/09/2017 16:19

Good for you. My line was always "being a single parent is better and easier that being in a shit relationship" and it really is. Or "fuck off, I don't care what you think" Grin

CockacidalManiac · 25/09/2017 16:20

Talk about a hive mind Grin. Three of us posted at the same time, with exactly the same starting sentence.

Mrskeats · 25/09/2017 16:21

I know. Weird Smile

jeaux90 · 25/09/2017 16:21
Grin
Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 25/09/2017 16:23

Maybe some of these people are secretly envious that you have the guts to stand up for yourself and seek more from life. ....
Just tell them you have made your decision and if they can't support you then just stfu (or something more polite if you wish!!)

GlitterSparkles17 · 25/09/2017 16:27

Wow your surrounded by victim shamers!! You are absolutely doing the right thing and your an inspiration to anyone who reads this thread who is currently in the same situation or too scared to divorce

DJBaggySmalls · 25/09/2017 16:28

I dont know why, but some people get a free pass. Its possible he's stirring up things behind your back as well.

Outlookmainlyfair · 25/09/2017 16:35

That sounds awful - you need support not undermining!

SandyY2K · 25/09/2017 16:39

Tell them to leave you alone.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2017 16:46

"My divorce is none of your business and I'm not discussing it."

or

"If you feel that poorly for my ex, then YOU marry him."

category12 · 25/09/2017 16:47

I'd be thinking back to my childhood and wondering if my mother set me up for an abusive relationship. She sounds the stuff of stately homes thread. I'd put a bit of distance in between.

Don't engage with people on the subject, you're doing the right thing.

DrunkUnicorn · 25/09/2017 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beesandknees · 25/09/2017 17:29

OP!! Are you me?? Honestly though, this is my mum to a T! It has been absolutely awful. I had no idea how little she thought of me, and how little she expected for me in terms of basic respect from other human beings, until I told her I was getting divorced... It has been so sad. It's a few years now and I'm still hurt, but starting to move on.

I will say that in my case I realized some stuff that put it in perspective...
Working backwards from things that my mum told me about her marriage to my dad (they were together 20+ years, then split but never divorced, he's since passed), I realized the following resemblances and contrasts between myself and my mum:

  1. We both met our DHs at 19 (married at slightly different ages but the relationship timeline was the same)
  2. Both suffered a traumatic loss of a pregnancy and then had raging baby fever, desperately wanted a family life
  3. Both then waited 8ish years for a "rainbow baby" (baby after loss) - were both 27 at time of that birth - due to DHs putting brakes on
  4. Both wanted more children


But here is where it diverges -

Mum told me she knew when she was 30/31 that the marriage was starting to fail. But she went on to have more DC, stayed with my dad, tried to make it work even though it was humiliatingly terrible. She focused on her family and gave up more and more independence in an effort to blackmail my dad into reinvesting in the marriage. She was broken and behaved like an absolute victim during the dying years of the marriage. My dad eventually basically forced her to leave him - very humiliating for her and she never recovered any kind of independence/career.

When I was 30 I came out of a lot of denial and realized my marriage was toxic. And held off on more DC. And left when I was 31, to live independently. After a period of grieving and adjustment I'm now very happy.

And I have a new DP. I am/was incredibly careful with him and my DC, we have no plans to live together, he does NOT parent my DC, he's more a family friend from DC perspective.

Again the contrast with my mother is not flattering - she had awful men in our house, let them shout at us and abuse us, always put these men first because she was desperate for male attention and security.

I've realized the biggest issue with my mum is that she feel extremely judged by my choices, because we started out on a similar path, but my life looks dramatically different to hers at the same age. She feels shown up, less than.

Maybe your DM has something similar going on OP. Sorry I rambled a bit here but I'm hoping there is some insight in there to help you make sense of this dreadful behavior from your DM/DSIL.
DownTownAbbey · 25/09/2017 17:40

I gave up being polite when faced with this shit. Tell them all to sod off. Flowers

Yogagirl123 · 25/09/2017 17:52

Your life, your business OP. Be strong and good luck. Flowers

LindyHemming · 25/09/2017 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoyoteCafe · 25/09/2017 18:13

In "Why Does He Do That" by Bancroft, there is a chapter on the abuser using proxies to help isolate and trap. Could you stop all communication with his sister? Just block her? She could easily be his mouth piece.

Your mother sounds dreadful. Is she worried about your finances? My mother stayed with my father, who is abusive, because of money.

Good for you for getting out. This is going to be so much better for your children. What ever your moms deal is, it stops with this generation.

WastedHours · 25/09/2017 18:52

Sounds like you've done absolutely the right thing.
I have had similar experience with some family/friend reactions. It seems like unless you can give some very obvious, universally acceptable and simple 'ok' reason for ending it - a lot of people just can't deal with it at all.
I now say - 'thanks for your concern but I've talked so much about this over the last x months/years, I don't really want to talk about it anymore, just focussing on moving forward now.' End of discussion.
Don't give them the space to start questioning/judging you.
I agree with what others have said. I think it makes some people uncomfortable because of what they have convinced themselves it's ok to put up with in their own relationships.

RedastheRose · 25/09/2017 21:22

People who marry emotionally abusive people often have ended up in that relationship because of the sort of relationships they see as children themselves. They are often so used to putting their own feelings last having always done so as a child that they don't see the red flags in their relationship. I know that this is the case in my family.

Aperolspritzer123 · 25/09/2017 21:33

OP not read all the comments but I had a similar experience. For some reason I was bothered about what my family thought - to put it in perspective my parents stayed together throughout our childhood and it was quite frankly a living nightmare. She had depression and he was violent and they were both abusive to me and my sisters... she stayed with him due to her own weakness and circumstances (admittedly she has said that it was much more difficult for women to divorce in the 60s and 70s due to domestic abuse being tolerated by law) but they ruined our lives - I would have appreciated them putting US first.
My sister is in a thoroughly horrendous marriage with a guy she hates and who is a shit dad. She papers over the cracks just like my mum did. Why do I care what they think of me? They are living proof of why you don't stay together 'for the kids'.
Stay strong - you know what to do and what is best for your children. It's tough when you feel like you're not supported so if you ever need it just come to mumsnet!!! Well done for being so brave. I have never felt so proud of myself for being this strong and if ever my dc question why I split with their dad I will honestly tell them that I had their best interests at heart and that I genuinely did the right thing for them. That's all you can do! To be honest my kids have never been happier 8 months post separating and my ds11 has nightmares that we will get back together! So that says it all.

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