I am so sick of comments from friends and family when they hear about my upcoming divorce. When I tell them it was my choice, inevitably one of the following types of comments is made:
a) I haven’t thought it through properly.
b) I have not tried to sort out our problems
c) I am over-reacting
d) I have not considered the reality of being single parent.
e) I have made the decision selfishly on a whim.
My decision has been made following several years of emotional abuse and withheld finances. He has also been a crap and detached parent and not made the effort with our disabled child, but obviously favoured the NT one. He has been obstructive regarding me seeking help for depression and unpleasant and contemptuous about my weight gain.
My mother - who I presumed would be, you know, on my side and supportive, (especially as she has witnessed some of the vicious comments to me) just says things like:
“Don’t you think you should stay and make an effort to work it out?”
“I think you are just a bit cross with each other. Why don’t you try to be nicer?”
“All I hear is your nagging” (this was after she witnessed an argument and him swearing at me and being really spiteful about my weight in front of kids, and also then telling the kids he’d had enough, was sick of us all and was ready to walk away and not be part of the family. He stormed off. Later I was crying I was so angry and trying to talk to her about it. She was saying he didn’t say anything unpleasant. He had called our child an arsehole to their face 😡. Her comment was she didn’t hear him say anything of the sort and only heard my nagging.
Recently she asked how I was. Usually I don’t mention it to her but figured I was over reacting. I said it was difficult at home, living in limbo until house sells etc. She said that ‘didn’t I think I should just stay with him, and work it out?’
I explained, again, that he was repeatedly nasty to me in front of people, contemptuous towards me in front of kids and they were learning to treat me exactly like he did. I said “Don’t I deserve more than that?”
She didn’t answer. She was silent then changed the subject.
Now his sister has started making comments too - I had previously asked her (in a friendly way) not to discuss it with me (she wanted to chat about it) as I didn’t think it appropriate and just didn’t want to talk about it anyway. (We have never been close) Now the texts have started.
“Don’t you think you should work it out?”
“It is so hard having kids and being single”
“Why don’t you try harder? Don’t you think the kids are going to be damaged?”
Actually, I feel like I have been parenting on my own despite being married and living with him for years. I do everything. Organise everything. Everything for the house. All the kid stuff. All the trips out are me and the kids. I sort out and attend the appointments and extras related to our child’s disability. I challenge the schools for support and take the PCT to task. He never comes to meeting. I never get a lie-in or a day off. I can never leave him to take charge. He needs detailed instructions to do anything. He doesn’t take responsibility for himself either. Instead he turns to me to care for him and sort every fucking thing out. He has been utterly spiteful about my depression and weight. He won’t even go to the GP unless I arrange it. When he was depressed he took no responsibility so this time nor did I.
And yet the suggestions from people close to me are:
I should try harder.
I should not consider my feelings. Faking my life is fine.
I should just suck it up.
I haven’t thought it through properly.
I haven’t considered the outcome of divorce
I’ve made a sudden and feckless decision.
I’m wrong.
I actually think it is the best decision I’ve made in years. And I am sticking to it.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Sick of people questioning my choice to divorce
IamImportantToo · 25/09/2017 16:15
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