Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

SS advised Dad not to take his son back to mum and now doing slopey shoulders

(7 Posts)
SMB21 Mon 25-Sep-17 12:42:22


Brief synposis to date

SS 11 lives with Biological mum and Nan, son has few issues, possibly slightly ASD never confirmed but many of the traits, mum suffers with ongoing mental health issues and nan believes she is his 2nd birth mum nan is 77
currently Son still not started high school as mum wants only one school failing two appeals she is refusing to send him to school, son wants to go to school, no teaching in place atm he just sits in front of tv or ipad all day and night pretty much for the last 10 weeks.
(this is a very very cut down version of events and is on the back of another post)

Anyhow, SS are involved and have been on and off for last 3 years and have now in a round about way suggested Dad doesnt take him back to mums after he came for his friday visit, they eluded that is this didnt happen longer term they would have apply to have him taken into care

dad did so and explained as best as possible to son, who quite understandably didnt take it very well at all, been honest to say we dont know how long for yet as mum needs to get better first and foremost and he needs to get stabilised and back into school

son says he understands all this and understands why its happening etc... (SS did interview 3 times that week), a bit later his nan calls dad going mad son has txt nan saying "please help me ", "help me", " help me" "I feel like im in a cage" "tell the people who are doing this to stop it happening " to put some perspective on this he did the exact same kind of message to his dad 3 weeks earlier after being grounded and having his xbox removed, dad got a txt saying "help me", "i feel like i am in prison" "help me dad"

Both Mum and Nan are also very understandably distraught about the situation, mum called dad begging and crying to speak to son, dad wants to let them speak to him but doesnt believe they will talk sensibly to him to make him feel safe as there txts have said tell us where you are and we will come and get you ? theyve also tried going through older step brother as they dont know where we live and son has just settled down a bit and stopped getting upset, so doesnt want him getting upset again but feels for mum and said its awaful he feels like crying of her but is the best for his son, even though he doesnt see it yet

dad has called SS this morning to explain they need to speak to mum and nan and they are now saying, hes now best seeking legal advice ? a mediator of some kind is needed to to get everyone on the same page for sons sake surely ?

dad has called solicitor who has said really he needs to go back to social services unless he wants to apply for a permanent custody order ?

its such a bloody mess any advice anyone ? thank you :-)

bibliomania Mon 25-Sep-17 13:44:59

But what was the plan? Did your DH just keep him and think SS would sort it out?

What's the desired outcome? For him to stay with your DH or for him to go back to his mother and for her to put him in school.

I agree that you all need to sit down together with some kind of mediator and thrash this out. It seems very impulsive and ill-thought-out.

LIZS Mon 25-Sep-17 13:50:11

Not sure a "roundabout way" is a mandate to break terms of contact. Would your dh be applying for residency?

Ceto Mon 25-Sep-17 14:04:00

This is a mad way to deal with the issue. If social services thought the child was in danger at his mother's they could have taken formal steps to place him with your partner. Alternatively, your partner should have got legal advice about applying separately for residency. Just leaving the child to be told he isn't going home with no prior warning and without your partner having official residency seems the worst of all possible worlds.

I don't honestly know what the answer is, but you need to get the legal position sorted out as a matter of urgency.

SMB21 Mon 25-Sep-17 14:35:38

Hi all,

Thanks for your responses, DP said Sservices said we cannot tell you what to do but this is our advice? I dont believe they think he is in danger but from the interviews they have had with him last week they said they are concerned for his overall general welfare ? so he didnt just keep him, he did this as he believed that was their advice ?

I have asked what the longer term outcome is expected to be ? and i believe what has been discussed is its temporary until gets medical attention, although in the past he has always stayed with his nan who they both live with ? so i am not sure why they have suggested doing differently this time, maybe because his nan wont do anything mum doesnt want to, ie School, mum is refusing to let him go to school as she can't get a place in the school she wants, thats why he isnt in school atm

I have no dealings obviously with Sservices, but apparently they want to come to our house to check everything out ?

Partner and his ex and her mum (nan) have no line of sensible communication and havent done in over 3 years so he was expecting them to communicate whats happening and why at the very least and help mediate calls or visits in the interim, at least until a longer term plan is decided ?

your absolutely right it does all seem very strange and i have never dealt with anything like this myself before, i am asking DP loads of questions that you are asking me and not getting any answers either i just wondered if anyone knew of any similar situations, i am like piggy in the middle of it all without really knowing the full extent of whats been going on !

RantyMare Mon 25-Sep-17 14:42:29

I have no real advice but have had similar (indirect) experiences with SS. Some things they do seem very strange.

Make sure you keep all evidence (texts etc, with backup_ and record all information given. They should care for the child's long term welfare and in this case it seems that they aren't sad

SMB21 Mon 25-Sep-17 14:42:50

i think Sservices may have advised Dad of this as an option as they know there is absolutely no way would his mum allow him to stay here whilst she takes time to get better ?, she wouldnt even here of it, she doesn't even believe there is anything wrong with her even though she is under a psychiatrist and has been told she must take her medication every day

she hasnt forgiven him yet in anyway for leaving her which was absolutely nothing to do me me and a year or so before i met him, they have been separated over 4 years and every call they have which are few and far between these days as always end up in a row about how her dad would be turning his grave and what a C**t he is for doing it !!! i think Sservices accept she is difficult to deal with and have said so to DP ??

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: