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I'm.going to have to be a real bitch aren't I?

(40 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Nottalotta Mon 25-Sep-17 09:06:34

Because he's just not accepting it. He keeps saying "we've got a good relationship" and I just want to scream no, we haven't! GOod for him maybe, awful for me.

I've come to realize over the past few years that he's controlling, emotionally abusive, moody, negative and generally not nice. We have two small children and what I have put up with for myself I won't put up with for them. But he will not accept that it's over. He says I haven't given him a chance. He can't win etc etc. I'm blaming it all on him (I'm not, I can see my faults, I know I'm not perfect in this)

I just want him to go, but he won't. He thinks we can fix it. Even if he became the perfect husband there are things he can't change. Such as making himself and a visitor and sandwich at lunchtime, but not me, when I was breastfeeding our very hungry new baby, post c section. Having no involvement with Ds1 as a baby, until he had to (dc2 born) ignoring mothers day, birthdays (mine and children's) Christmas. Punching and kicking the wall a couple of feet holding 3 day old dc2 because he was angry about the way I had been trying to put Ds1 to bed that night. Ignoring me when I tried to speak about having dcat pts. Calling me a vile butch in from of the children. And so on.

I'm trying to explain to him that I don't want to carry on, I won't carry on, I want to separate. He just argues with me. There is no argument to be had. But we've got the children so I was trying to keep it civil.

I'm rambling. Dcat is being pts today. He wants to come with me. I don't want him to. He hasn't bothered with the lots of other trips to vets and specialists, while heavily pregnant, and with tiddler and new baby.

Nottalotta Mon 25-Sep-17 09:07:11

Oh ffs. That should say bitch. Not butch.

Nottalotta Mon 25-Sep-17 09:20:59

I find it ridiculous that he going to make me force the issue. I suppose he's scared of losing his cushty lifestyle where I do everything apart from.his job.

WhoWants2Know Mon 25-Sep-17 09:27:53

What's your housing situation? Is there a mortgage or rent and whose name is on the paperwork? Married or Partners?

pasterfield9 Mon 25-Sep-17 09:30:04

You don't need his permission to leave. Keep telling yourself that because he's going to keep telling you you do. Ending a relationship isn't like buying a house together or getting married. It doesn't have to be a bilateral decision. If he's controlling then it's just one more way to control you: this relationship will end when I say, and not a minute before. When I left my abusive ex, I wrote a long list of the worst things he'd done. It was depressing reading, but it kept me strong when he was trying to suck me back in. Start telling people too, if you haven't already. It makes it much harder to go back to someone, if other people know the truth of your relationship

LornaMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 25-Sep-17 09:32:13

We've just nipped in and edited the typo in the title at the OP's request.

flowers OP.

pasterfield9 Mon 25-Sep-17 09:33:21

Also, it sounds like you've given him plenty of chances already! You have two children with him. And I bet this isn't the first time you've talked about leaving is it? 'You're not giving us a're just throwing us away...' it's drivel, straight out the abuser's handbook.

Nottalotta Mon 25-Sep-17 09:34:15

Married. Joint mortgage. I'm on maternity leave.

Paster, I do keep running through these things, some of which I mentioned. He can't change those things. He's not going to change anything else and actually, I don't care what he does, I'm done with it.

A police car pulled up outside the other day, I actually thought he'd had an accident and had died. I don't want him to due but all I could think of was "well that's that problem solved then" Which I ought to be ashamed of.

Nottalotta Mon 25-Sep-17 09:36:44

No its not the first time. I Rolf him it was over before the baby was born, and again after the punching incident when he was three days old. He's been a lot better bit all I've been doing is trying to bide my time but I can't anymore. I wanted to wait til my work was sorted out next year but I can't keep doing this.

pasterfield9 Mon 25-Sep-17 09:40:08

Oh don't worry I used to think that sort of thing all the time. You're human, and he's obviously pushed you to your limit. Have you been to see a lawyer yet? If you're already at the point where you're tuning out his promises to change etc then this relationship is over for you, you just need to formalise it

XJerseyGirlX Mon 25-Sep-17 09:41:56

Some of the stuff you have listed is just awful op! I can understand why you feel the way you do. Being able to be that cruel is "in him", a nice person having a bad day wouldn't be capable of that kind of cruelty.

You don't have to be a bitch. He will just tell himself that your acting in anger. Just be calm, firm and consistent. Don't rise to any bait thrown at you. Just get your ducks in a row as they say and make your plans to leave him if he wont go.

Good luck, you sound like you know what you want.

AlternativeTentacle Mon 25-Sep-17 09:44:06

He says I haven't given him a chance. He can't win etc etc. I'm blaming it all on him

Surely his chance was the behaviour he showed during the last x years, that WAS his chance?

He can't win what? It's not a competition.

Blame him? Well, if the cap fits...if he wants to choose to behave the way he was then he needs to not be surprised when you decide that is not the behaviour of someone that you want to be with. Those were his choices, you shouldn't have to tell someone to make their wife a sandwich. That was his decision. The sum of his decisions have made you decide to end it. What more does he need to know? He blew it.

Nottalotta Mon 25-Sep-17 09:48:50

Thank you all. I feel very alone with this, so it really helps to read these posts.

The sandwich thing sounds so minor, but it was a real lightbulb moment for me. I have cooked every meal we've ever eaten. Even 2 days post c section with baby in a sling.

I've got to take the cat soon.

Nottalotta Mon 25-Sep-17 09:49:28

I haven't seen a solicitor. I have no money.

pasterfield9 Mon 25-Sep-17 09:57:24

Little things say everything. My ex used to park the car right next to the wall on the passenger side so I never had any room to get out. Every single time. It was a tiny thing but it said a great deal.

If you're married you'll have more rights than you think. And lots of lawyers do a free half hour consultation. Does he control all the money?

XJerseyGirlX Mon 25-Sep-17 10:02:01

OP, the sandwich thing doesn't sound little. I totally get you with that. That's fucking cruel and I wouldn't want to be married to someone that would basically " kick you while your down"

Nottalotta Mon 25-Sep-17 10:02:15

No we have separate accounts and a joint account which we each pay into, but I'm on maternity leave and really skint.

guilty100 Mon 25-Sep-17 10:07:16

I'm so sorry. flowers It can't have been easy reaching this point.

I suggest maybe going to a counsellor (Relate?) and speaking to them about your relationship - it's possible that they will be able to make your partner see the situation for what it is, an ending and not a second chance. As joint parents and mortgagees, you sadly can't just walk away from this guy, though. You're going to have to make the relationship work at a different level while you extricate yourself and your finances, and sort out your housing situations. Having a mediating presence there may help to make this a more civilised process.

pantrylightout Mon 25-Sep-17 10:10:20

Please leave him, he is a bully and is sucking the life out of you. It won't be easy but once you make the move it can only get better. Just make sure that you inform people of what you intend to do (maybe the police station, no I am not getting carried away). If you are afraid make sure that you are not alone with him. Safeguard yourself and your children. Good luck and take care.

WhoWants2Know Mon 25-Sep-17 10:10:42

OP- with the sandwich thing, my ExH did pretty much the same when my eldest was 1 day old. He cooked dinner for himself and his dad (who had been over for hours so that I had to go to another room to breastfeed) but left me to fend for myself. I remember the midwife's stony face when I told her, in an "isn't he daft" sort of way. She said it was actually the most thoughtless behaviour she had ever heard, and referred me to homestart.

They realised long before I did that his behaviour isn't ok or something that a normal, kind person does.

Butterymuffin Mon 25-Sep-17 10:11:32

Just picking out one thing but sorry you are having your cat pts. That's hard to do so wishing you strength. Tell him you're dealing with it yourself and it'll be better for the cat not to be too crowded as it'll cause more stress. flowers

Nottalotta Mon 25-Sep-17 10:12:36

I was referred for counselling as the health visitor thought I might be developing pnd. I was passed on to relate as it was basically a case of me being unhappy relationship rather than pnd.

I have seen the relate chap three times. He's offered joint sessions but I don't want them. He, J, wouldn't do it, he'd also try to charm the counsellor, and I don't want to.
I've been trying to do what you say, make the relationship work on a different level but he just won't do it.

pasterfield9 Mon 25-Sep-17 10:13:30

Joint counselling is not recommended when there is abuse in a relationship. Though individual counselling (for you) may help further down the line. Best money you could spend is on a lawyer right now. Does he earn a lot more than you? Is he skint too?

Ceto Mon 25-Sep-17 10:13:45

Check whether you might be entitled to legal aid. I don't know the technicalities, but I know it's available if there has been violence and the business of punching things might come into that category.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 25-Sep-17 10:16:47


If you do want to separate then you need to get the ball rolling without any co-operation whatsoever from him. He won't go also because his life is cushy and does not want that to change. He also won't do civil.

Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations are well worth contacting here and they can and will help you in this process.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abusive men as well do not respond well to any mediator type situations either. Such men too can and do use the children for their own ends to further punish the mother for having the gall to leave them.

Men like this as well take an awful long time, years even, to recover from. I would also suggest you enrol yourself on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid to further help you recover from his abuses of you.

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