Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Think I've had enough of DH

(109 Posts)
Jessie1980 Mon 25-Sep-17 07:15:20

My husband isn't all bad, he provides financially, he will do any diy etc around the place but he isn't a great father imo although he portrays himself as being great with the kids around family etc.
Kids are 5 and 3, he seems to be nagging at them constantly. Ds 5 has just started school and when doing his homework (which was quite a task I thought, and thought he would need to do it over a few sittings) Dh kept telling him to 'pick up that pen you dropped, put a lid on that pen, if you'd just sit and concentrate you'd get on a lot better etc) no encouragement, no interest in what he was actually doing.
It always seems to be this way, he never encourages them, never has small talk with them, at the dinner table everyone is to be quiet and eat their dinner. He's.very strict on how they talk, saying please and thank you is one of.the most important things to him although he doesn't always say it.himself!! 😂 The.kids are well.mannered and in school or at parties they always get glowing reports for their behaviour as it is but it's just like he can't relax and is always looking for a reason to criticise and tell them what to do. This is turn leads to me undermining him as I think he is unfair in his expectations or doesn't handle a situation very well (it's all do as I say because I said so) and so our relationship is on the rocks. I was ready to walk out months ago, he took it as a big surprise, wouldn't do counselling as there was nothing wrong and couldn't see what the issue was, he just didn't want the kids growing up to be cheeky.
I find myself counting the days until he goes back to work so that we can all relax again.
My main worry is that if I was to leave him that I wouldn't be comfortable with him having the kids on his own but at the same.time realise that would probably be difficult to enforce seeing as he isn't physically abusive and to the outside world he looks like the world's best husband and father. His family think the sun shines out of his *. They would be very surprised to hear we were separating. I have spoken to my family before and they notice his behaviour towards the kids too, esp Ds and think it's over the top too so I know its not just me.

Jessie1980 Mon 25-Sep-17 12:38:47

Anyone been in a similar situation? What happened when you left with regards to the kids? I hate leaving them with him even for a few hours as I see what he's like when I am at home, totally disengaged from them. They were at a party yesterday,he was away doing his own thing. Instead of asking the kids if they had a nice time, he just asks me if it went OK. These.little things are constant.
I've also noticed that if I've taken a photo with him and the kids and show it to him, he just studies it to check he looks good in it!

I now see that his own father was/is very controlling and this is where he gets it from, his parents split up when he was a teenager and his mother is a drinker so not much to choose from in terms of his own upbringing.
I just dread to think of us splitting and him having the kids regularly just to make it look like he is a doting father when he doesn't normally bother his backside.
The last time I was close to leaving and dropped the bombshell I was made out to be lying and that he and the kids have lots of 'fun' together and I was deluded.
At the same time he told me he never gets excited about anything, isn't emotional (he's right there), never had fun as a kid, hates dancing, tell the kids it's a stupid thing that people do, he can never take a joke, it's always very serious...

yetmorecrap Mon 25-Sep-17 12:44:32

I think the best word to describe this is probably a bit @joyless@ OP. I too have someone who is very focussed on themselves and also gets me to delete photos he doesnt think he looks good in. My DH has also taken to moaning about anything that not 5 star luxury, refused to come with me and son on a mobile home holiday to South of France 10 years ago or to benidorm for sons 18th. I do know its not his bag but sometimes a bit of 'naff' can be fun. so yes, i do know how you feel.

Jessie1980 Mon 25-Sep-17 12:52:13

Thanks yetmorecrap
I wish he would stay at home when we go on 'fun' days out as he insists.on coming yet stands around with a face on him and gets on the kids when they ask for ice.cream or a shot on a ride or machine telling them to stop asking for things. Last time he was asking what time were we going home only a short while after arriving and kept looking at his watch all avo. It was an adventure Park we were at, one you coukd spend the day at...

hellsbellsmelons Mon 25-Sep-17 13:02:22

Well if you weren't together you could take the kids on days out on your own and enjoy them.
He's a 'fun-sucker'
He will never change.
Do you want this to be your life for the next 20+ years?
It sounds like a miserable existence.
You get one shot.
Don't 'settle' for crap.

Butterymuffin Mon 25-Sep-17 13:02:24

Given that you've said your family notice his excessive criticism too, I doubt that everyone does think he's a fantastic father - his own family are obviously going to be biased, don't let that cloud things. I think you'd have more support than you think. Do you have friends with kids that you spend time with socially who see this?

What's your situation in terms of who works, who is a SAHP if anyone is? Would you expect to have the kids most of the time after a split?

Next time you plan a day out I would tell him flat out he isn't welcome as he doesn't enjoy them and his behaviour spoils the enjoyment of the rest of you.

EverythingWillBeGreat Mon 25-Sep-17 13:03:34

I have a similar model....
I would advise you to NOT do what I did, which is trying to make it work at all costs. I just did bear the brunt of it and made myself ill in the process. Lost myself and who I am (the fun one, happy, wanting to help people etc...).
If you think that you want to try more....
Ignore him when you are out and about. Have fun with your dcs and act as if he wasn't there with a face like? thunder/grumpy/whatever.
Pull him up when he is putting the dcs down. Point out to him that he has done that before and it's not working so maybe he needs to find another way to deal with it. OR you might end up doing what I did, which is to take over most of the children related stuff.

Re the dcs spending time with him on his own.. of you separate.
You can't control that or his behaviour. You can hope that his attitude isn't really who he is but the sign of stress/unhappiness and that being in his own would help with that (stress linked with the relationhsip and/or raising two young children) so it should get better once you are separated (obvioulsy depends where his grumpiness is coming from)

You need to remember though that the dcs would have to cope with his moods only 2 days ish eow compare to everyday atm... And yu could BIG up their self esteem and teach them to take some comments with a pinch of salt (nit just their dad but also friends etc...)

Jessie1980 Mon 25-Sep-17 13:14:39

He doesn't really have any friends. He works away for 4 weeks at a time then is home for 4 weeks.
I was a sahm and started up my own business working mainly at home but now also go out to visit customers and try to juggle it all around the kids at nursery and school.
My parents help when he is away.

Jessie1980 Mon 25-Sep-17 13:17:56

I do pull him up but also bite my tongue and roll my eyes a lot as I get fed up of speaking up.
He denys it all, I tell him to lighten up and stop nagging them and he tells me he doesn't nag them. He just wants them to do as he says the first time he says it....

yetmorecrap Mon 25-Sep-17 13:24:51

Its not fun jessie is it. Mine told me off yesterday for not 'backing him up' in front of our 19 year old (who lives away) --I actually saw both points so was remaining neutral, but that clearly wasnt acceptable, clearly I am now expected to agree with everything he says. I know totally how the person felt who says they have 'lost themselves'a bit. If you are a fun lover and relaxed and DH is 'uptight' and controlling, I think having children has brought out a bit of an incompatability issue that wasnt obvious before. In my case DH has become more like this over the years , wasnt always quite so obvious.

Allesda Mon 25-Sep-17 13:27:30

It sounds like he's got a very defined idea of how a father should be: stern, remote, critcal etc. My mother would be quite similar and the differing parenting styles caused a massive rift between my parents.

Your OH doesn't seem to have the self awareness to see what he's doing and the impact it's having.

The only thing I can suggest is couples counselling, if he's open to it - either to find a way forward together or figure out a split

EverythingWillBeGreat Mon 25-Sep-17 13:28:58

He just wants them to do as he says the first time he says it....
Lol then he needs to learn about children and remember how he REALLY was as a child (aka he didn't do as he was told either!)

Jessie1980 Mon 25-Sep-17 13:32:56

Yetmorecrap

You have hit the nail on the head. Having children has definately highlighted a compatibity issue that wasn't apparent before. He is not the father I thought he was going to be, and I don't actually believe he wanted kids, i think he just did it to keep me.happy. He got the snip pretty much as soon as second child was born!

Jessie1980 Mon 25-Sep-17 13:36:16

Allesda
No he thinks he is right, I bought him a book a year and a half ago and it was tossed to the side.

Because of his male ego he won't consider counselling, he told me before that if I wasn't happy then it was up to me if I wanted to go.

Jessie1980 Mon 25-Sep-17 13:37:49

Everythingwillbegreat

As far as he remembers, he did do everything he was told, he never fooled around, never made mistakes.

He's Mr perfect in his eyes.

Jessie1980 Mon 25-Sep-17 16:41:44

And now I get home today to find he has done some washing and is standing ironing!! He has been home for 3 weeks and it has taken until today for him to do ironing just because he knows I'm raging.

Jessie1980 Mon 25-Sep-17 16:42:30

Ps. I've been out working all day

EverythingWillBeGreat Mon 25-Sep-17 17:43:40

He knows. He knows you are really really pissed off and he has to do something to keep you sweet.

I hate when DH does that. A token gesture for something he ought to do automatically wo even thinking about it.

yetmorecrap Mon 25-Sep-17 18:06:10

ah yes, the 'I had better start doing a bit of housework' sweetner, even though Ive done pretty much bugger all in previous 10 years etc

TatianaLarina Mon 25-Sep-17 18:14:14

He doesn't realise he's joyless and naggy. When you tell him that he just thinks you're being unfair. In his head he's trying to be a good dad, he doesn't realise how it's coming across.

If he got EOW you would be cutting down your children's exposure to him considerably.

Jessie1980 Mon 25-Sep-17 18:42:03

What does eow mean? smile

Jessie1980 Mon 25-Sep-17 18:44:04

Every other weekend - just realised!!

He's away back to work in less than a week, on the countdown.

Thanks for your replies and confirming it's not me being unreasonable. The support here makes me feel so much better about things. smile

RedastheRose Mon 25-Sep-17 20:37:48

Sounds very emotionally stunted and possibly will start or May already be showing signs of being emotionally abusive towards the children. Might be worth you considering doing counselling on your own and working out what you want to do. It is going to damage your children more to be continually exposed to this behaviour rather than having a comparison from a normal family life with you and what they experience with him if you did split up.

Jessie1980 Mon 25-Sep-17 21:04:08

He certainly was for a good while. We were at breaking point earlier in the year and I pointed out all he did / or didn't do and how it woukd affect the kids having an emotionally absent father, he didn't used to even acknowledge them when he got up in the morning! And didn't see it himself! He has improved a.lot but I can see it slipping again and don't see a future of us going round in circles with me having to get to the point of wanting to leave before he makes an effort again.
Tonight my 5 year old in bed got.upset, he doesn't want me going to work tomorrow ( he didn't say why) his father went in to him as was going in to say goodnight anyway and just told him well there's no point in crying about it and walked out. hmm

ReanimatedSGB Mon 25-Sep-17 21:19:40

It's not fixable because he's a selfish prick. Start making your plans; treat him with smiling contempt in the meantime, and remember you don't need his permission to end the marriage. He'll probably drift out of your lives, pretty much, and even if he doesn't, you'll be able to help the DC build their self esteem so his moaning and grumbling is just water off a duck's back when they have to spend time with him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now