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To be feeling so angry at my 3yo DS every single bloody day??!!

(79 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Mumyum1 Mon 25-Sep-17 00:20:32

Yes. Of course I am. I am being very very unreasonable. I know it. And I resolve not be. But then I am. Again. He asked his dad tonight, why is mummy always so angry. Broke my heart.

Background: DS is almost 4yo and after maternity leave I went back to work for 6 weeks before being forced out of my really well paid job. I was not given a reference and found it really hard to find decent work for a long time - during this time I was a SAHM and used all my savings to continue to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills until I had no money left. Hubby then had to pick up all the bills and full mortgage and still managed to put aside for savings. My only income was child benefits and the odd bit of cash he gave me, most of which I'd spend on groceries. Every time I asked for money I would hear about how we we really struggling on only one salary and how stressed he was etc etc. We got pregnant with number two and of course this time around there was no maternity pay. Apart from nappies no extra expense as I breastfed and we were gifted loads of clothes etc. Due to some kindness of old friends and the support of my mother things fell into place for me and I found work - less than half of what I was paid before. Suddenly DH started complaining about the cost of childcare for two children should I return to work. For that reason and because I also felt DC2 was not ready for childcare I deferred my start date for a year. DH then complained about how I made decisions and he just had to go along with it, and how stressful it was for him to pay for everything. He especially hated that DC1 was at private nursery 2 days a week. I've now been back at work fulltime and cover all the childcare costs myself, with nothing left over in spare change. However I have a sense of achievement beyond what cute things my children are saying and doing. I'm mixing with adults who are not part of nursery school or playgroup. Although I don't have extra cash to speak of I feel financially empowered, which is an awesome feeling. The economic disempowerment I felt for the previous few years has certainly been a life lesson I won't easily forget. And intend to never ever repeat.

However. The downside to me working, has been that DH has been spending more time with DC1&2 - which means they are slowly but surely showing the stamp of his personality. He has anger issues. Can't stand crying and thinks it's abnormal behaviour in a 1&3 yr old and that I've been mollycoddling and turning them into 'sissies' (said in front of them. Mummy what's a sissy?). I gentle parent and don't believe in spanking. He's the opposite. I allow them choice and independence, he prefers to do things for them. He shouted at the one yr old for picking up his PS3 remote and then told her he wasn't sure why she was crying at nothing, he should be crying as it's his things getting broken. When the 3yo tantrums at the end of a long exhausting day because all routine has been lost and he's allowed to stay up after 10pm, and then starts to hit/spit/kick etc DH asks him why he's such a moron and was he dropped on the head.

It makes my blood boil but I'm working on my own flaws and trying to give DH space to figure out this parenting gig but he has never had contact with kids, does not know what normal child behaviour is like, and refuses to read anything. He tries to follow his parents style but has forgotten that he told me once at the beginning of our relationship, that he knew his father didn't like him when he was 3yo. They've never got on because FiL is a stickler for discipline and DH has always been a wild angry child. He hates being 'told what to do' and anything I say is responded to with 'don't speak to me like I'm a child' or some such. I have run out of patience with him and unfortunately have lost all compassion and empathy for him and so yes I do struggle to be 'gentle' with him as I strive to be with my kids. I have very firm boundaries though. They had routine, limits etc I just didn't use shouting or spanking to enforce.

When my mum came to stay post c section to help out, she eventually told me, stop asking him to do anything if you've already asked him once. For example, take out the heavy garbage bag before bin day because I can't do it - my almost 75yo osteoporotic mother and I used to do together because any request I'd make would be ignored until it mounted up to ten things and then he'd blow up about it.

Anyway, my children who I've never ever spoken a bad word to about their dad, are now becoming so defiant toward me. They are shouting. DC1 ignores me when I speak to him. If he speaks to his dad and I answer, he actually says, I'm not talking to you mum, please be quiet. He's allowed to play games on dads fone when I've been specific about limiting screen time. On a day with dad there are no such limits. They're allowed lots of juice as it's fruit, and lots of macdonalds fries even if I've cooked for them for the day. They hang out in the local vape shop although I've asked dad to only vape in a separate room with a window open at home. DC1 tells me he is going to use that blower thing when he grows up. They go grocery shopping and eat before paying for things. They skip baths and go to bed in their clothes they've been playing in all day. The list really is endless.

I feel a huge amount of anger toward DH. I feel all my hard work and patience over the years has been trampled into the dust and is being undone at an alarming pace. But worse than that is this anger that boils inside me when my DS so obviously prefers his dad over me. And always defends his dad when I question anything. And requests angry rap music in the car that turns out to be full of the N word, whore this, bitch that the only word blanked out is Fuck! Hubby tells me it's the censored version it's ok! Yesterday DS called me a Bitch. I want to smack him so badly and I want to hurt his feelings so badly, I really want to break his spirit and tell him how shit his father is. Of course I don't. I end up clenching my teeth and counting or breathing or walking out of the room. Because it's not his fault. He is triggering my anger toward his father. And he knows I'm angry and I'm scared I'm going to lose him. But I'm finding it harder and harder to bite my tongue. DH and I have 'discussed' these issues but the talking becomes shouting and I can't have my kids grow up like that. He refuses counselling.

If you've made it to the end thanks for reading this long vent post. I think it's been cathartic to just type it out. Is differing parenting styles enough of a reason to break up a family? Am I just too bloody controlling??? I do feel like quite the tyrant tbh.

maxthemartian Mon 25-Sep-17 00:24:06

Your husband is absolutely foul. He has caused all your anger. He is financially abusive, a terrible spouse and a terrible parent.
Please leave him.

Supermagicsmile Mon 25-Sep-17 00:25:14

Didn't want to read and run. Even if your dh won't consider counselling, I think you should still access some for yourself.

You and DH need to decide on how you want to parent the D.C. together and set some ground rules you all follow.

CaretakerToNuns Mon 25-Sep-17 00:27:12

YANBU. It's your husband that's the problem - LTB.

ijustwannadance Mon 25-Sep-17 00:29:18

He is a twat who spunds like a spoilt child.

EnidColeslaw771 Mon 25-Sep-17 00:30:10

The problem isn't you or your son, it's your abusive husband.

pizzaparty11 Mon 25-Sep-17 00:31:35

I think it sounds like a very toxic, stressful and unhealthy environment for your poor DC.You are both as bad as each other
I think you need to find a way to hit the reset button.You and DH need to figure out some basic house rules and disciplinary boundaries and tools and then stick to them and support one another.

converseandjeans Mon 25-Sep-17 00:34:00

I think you need to work out best plan - yes it is great to be back in work but if you never see kids enough to have the input you would like then you probably need to find something part time. If the boys are like this at a young age, how will they be in 5 or 10 years? It sounds like they are missing you being around but not expressing it very well.
Ideally you should leave him but realize you may not be ready. He does sound awful. Please don't have any more babies with him.

BrutusMcDogface Mon 25-Sep-17 00:36:18

Omg, this is not the post I expected to read when I opened it, going on the title alone.

The issue is not you; nor is it your three year old (three years old!! He's barely out of babyhood); it's that horrendous man you all live with.

Absolutely, unequivocally you need to ltb. He's destroying you and your relationship with your children. flowerssad

Carouselfish Mon 25-Sep-17 00:37:23

Came on prepared to say, get more sleep, it'll help controlling your anger. But it's not you who needs to change yourself, it's your husband. But he probably won't change. Can you set up, with his knowledge, recording equipment in the house so he can see how he is acting towards his children? It sometimes shocks people to see their own behaviour. Also, it might improve with just the knowledge that he's being recorded! Unless he treats them the same in public?

DaisysStew Mon 25-Sep-17 00:37:51

Your husband sounds awful, financially, emotionally and verbally abusive, won't help around the house and not a good role model for your children at all.

Honestly the best thing you could do is leave. He won't change, you've already discussed the issues and he's unwilling to admit that he's behaved badly and work on himself so why keep flogging a dead horse? It's not doing your eldest any good staying and you certainly don't sound happy.

Fluffypinkpyjamas Mon 25-Sep-17 00:40:33

Your husband is a nasty cnut. Agree with PP.

PLEASE LEAVE HIM!!!

Apileofballyhoo Mon 25-Sep-17 00:42:50

This sounds so terrible I thought it was a some kind of bizarre joke. OP, you're not angry with the DC, you're angry with your DH. You don't need that shit in your life.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath Mon 25-Sep-17 00:42:59

I think your coming to your own answers.
Is there any real love left in your relationship because living in a loveless place and trying to counter the way your son is mirroring your husband's behaviour towards you will damage him and you.making a decision is the start, it's hard to make the jump but it's better on the other side.
flowersgin

Arseface Mon 25-Sep-17 00:54:59

If DH is in charge of the DCs, he likes a clear routine and plan of the day.
I like to get suggestions as to what everyone would like to do.

That's different parenting styles. What you're describing is a nightmare.
If your DH won't or can't change then you have to make a better life for yourself and your children without him.

just5morepeas Mon 25-Sep-17 01:03:25

This sounds so terrible I thought it was a some kind of bizarre joke. OP, you're not angry with the DC, you're angry with your DH. You don't need that shit in your life.

This.

Get some relationship counselling. On your own would prob be best, so you can get some help in understanding and changing your situation.

Mumyum1 Mon 25-Sep-17 01:05:12

Thank you all for your comments. I can't see myself growing old with this man, unless he gets knocked on the head and undergoes a personality change. Unfortunately yes I am actually pregnant with number three - unplanned as it happens, whilst trying to work on the relationship. I have told him I cannot have my children growing up in this toxic environment and that if he won't come with me for counselling I will go alone and in all likelihood leave him. He says I'm free to go as long as it's without the kids. Of course, that's not an option. I've told him I will leave with the kids the moment I am financially able to. But that's going to take me a few years. I'm going to have to go to counselling by myself as someone suggested. I have no social network here and no recourse to public funds. Right now I'm feeling so motivated to be loving to my son. I really need to rise above it when he triggers me and continue to show him love. Thanks xo

msannabella Mon 25-Sep-17 01:06:02

As others have said, it's not your son that is the problem, it's your husband. He sounds awful, do you really want your children growing up to emulate him! Think about them and how to make sure they get the best in life!

AdalindSchade Mon 25-Sep-17 01:06:49

You're angry because you're being abused in so many ways and so are your children.
Please seek help from a domestic abuse service to plan how to leave him.

CaptainWarbeck Mon 25-Sep-17 01:08:10

I've told him I will leave with the kids the moment I am financially able to

Is there nothing you could access to help you leave sooner? It sounds like you've already made up your mind - good for you. He sounds awful. But the sooner you can get you and the kids out of the current situation the better.

haveacupoftea Mon 25-Sep-17 01:08:18

Get a divorce.

OkPedro Mon 25-Sep-17 01:14:48

Fucking hell mumy your husband is a disgrace.. how pregnant are you? I'd be reconsidering the pregnancy. You have enough on your plate with two toddlers and an abusive husband

mathanxiety Mon 25-Sep-17 01:15:09

Is differing parenting styles enough of a reason to break up a family?
Am I just too bloody controlling???

If that was all it was, of course the two of you could talk and come to a reasonable compromise.

But that's not all there is to this.

No you are not controlling.

You are married to an abuser.

Nothing you do or say will stop him abusing you or the DCs.

You are so lucky to have your job, and your mum. Please start making plans to file for divorce.

There is no hope for this relationship. He is completely invested in doing exactly what he wants, and he will never change because he sees change as a defeat for him and a win for you. So he will never admit he is wrong or that you have anything useful to contribute.

he has never had contact with kids, does not know what normal child behaviour is like, and refuses to read anything. He tries to follow his parents style but has forgotten that he told me once at the beginning of our relationship, that he knew his father didn't like him when he was 3yo. They've never got on because FiL is a stickler for discipline and DH has always been a wild angry child. He hates being 'told what to do' and anything I say is responded to with 'don't speak to me like I'm a child' or some such.
My exH used to hiss all that through clenched teeth at me.

Please get counselling for yourself - call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

Leave a message if you don't get through. They call people back.

mathanxiety Mon 25-Sep-17 01:17:01

Don't share any more what you are planning to do.

He is already threatening you with keeping the DCs from you.

Call for help 0808 2000 247.

TansyVioletta Mon 25-Sep-17 01:17:43

I agree with the first

Your husband is absolutely foul. He has caused all your anger. He is financially abusive, a terrible spouse and a terrible parent.
Please leave him

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