Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
On the edge of walking away(21 Posts)
I just feel like I'm going in circles.
With two young DC and a DH who is in an intense job, as a SAHM who is studying PT, I should have no reason to be ungrateful for life, but I do.
On the outside to family and friends, DH is so great and amazing. I'm lucky to have a husband who provides for the house, he picks DC up from school and football as well as he is a great cook compared to my poor efforts.
But inside it's a struggle..I've battled depression on and off, he is addicted to all kind of awful stuff including alcohol. Tonight I have found a vodka bottle stashed behind DS bookshelf. I'm so mad that he could do this. He's always in denial, apparently he hasn't drunk in over a month and he is feeling stressed and overwhelmed with work and me constantly berating him. In terms of intimacy it's a joke, again he can't function or feel passionate with me as I'm too aggressive and moody. Often we have had arguments where both of us have had enough, tonight he said our relationship is hard and he drinks as I don't make him feel good. I must admit when I discovered the bottle, I did get angry and tell him he looked awful and bloated and that he was a poor role model to DC, I got silence to this apart from him commenting that I was fat and am not good at dieting and then ignored me as he said he couldn't handle me criticising him about this bottle discovery.
I just feel so unhappy, not depressed, just unhappy that there is no joy in our relationship. I really fear being on my own as I'm not working currently and financially and emotionally I'm confused as to where I stand. The trust issue for me is a huge problem as he lies about the drink and the websites, no one sees all this but me. I'm seen by everyone, even my own family as the bad one and that I should be more supportive to him working hard and having difficult tasks to tackle in his job. No one ever sees things from my perspective apart from him, but I'm unreasonable, moody and selfish. Even the DC think I'm awful to poor picked on DH.
I just don't know what to do.
Tonight I have found a vodka bottle stashed behind DS bookshelf For this alone I would be instigating divorce proceedings. Does he have no understanding of what could have happened if your DS had found it?!
In terms of intimacy it's a joke, again he can't function or feel passionate with me as I'm too aggressive and moody. I'd bet my pension on it being more to do with erectile dysfunction due to substance abuse. Much easier for him to place the blame on you though.
he drinks as I don't make him feel good.. No he doesn't. He drinks because he's an alcoholic. You could worship the ground he walks on and it would be some other reason. Work is stressing him out. The children are misbehaving. It was raining. It's Tuesday.
I never do the whole LTB thing. But in this instance, this is destructive. You owe it to yourself and your children to leave.
Thanks snotnose, I do think he is an alcoholic, albeit a high functioning one.
I agree with you about the LTB. However, I'm finding it hard, as in terms of my mental health and lack of finances, he holds the power in our marriage and everything.
It really is upto him .Ive known plenty of alcoholics and some make the effort to give up some don't.The saddest thing is the ones that gave up were generally much happier and the ones that keep drinking are dreadfully unhappy.If they all could see this they would logically give up.
Unfortunately logic has little to do with it and you are likely going to have to leave him.He might come to his senses but I wouldn't count on it.Living with a drinker is murder you need to think about yourself
What is your relationship like with your family? If you explained what he's really like (do not leave out the fact he's hiding alcohol in your son's room) would they offer you support?
Re your mental health, I understand, I really do. What support are you receiving?
Re the finances, he doesn't hold all the power. You're his wife and a solicitor will be able to explain what you're entitled to. It might be the case that you need to apply for benefits for a while, but that's what they're there for.
Maybe your the problem? If you never had a problem with his drinking he wouldn't have to hide it. Alcohol is not "awful stuff", its stuff millions of adults enjoy. But yes hiding where the children could have found it is stupid.
"he is feeling stressed and overwhelmed with work and me constantly berating him"- Perhaps you should try be supportive of him? When he breaks down and looses his job who is going to fund your cushty lifestyle?
Children see things for what they are, if they see you as the bad person maybe you are.
Fatguy - no, the OP is not the problem! I speak as a recovering alcoholic. Nobody else can ever be blamed for a person's drinking!!! It's more complex than a straight choice because addiction takes over (and the OP says that alcohol is but one of his addictions) but I believe that the first drink is choice. An alcoholic knows where that will lead. We also lie, time after time, hide bottles, deny, and apparently blame others totally unfairly although we don't all do that.
OP, he will only stop if he wants to, but you know that. Nothing you or anyone else does or says will make any difference. I wouldn't have wanted to live with me when I was an active, albeit functioning, alcoholic. You must think of yourself and your DC.
Thanks for your comments. I do think I am to blame as my mood swings and my frustration at being a SAHM (due to me being depressed and now slowly career changing through study) whilst he works have not helped.
My family would tell me to give him a chance and think of the kids before I do anything. DM has narcisstic characteristics and my DF, although supportive is traditional and in his culture women should support their partners and maintain the house, etc IYKWIM. I feel quite lonely in my world as I can't talk to anyone in RL, hence asking for help on here. Fatboy sounds like my DH.
OP, thinking of the kids first can mean removing them from toxic situations which are impacting on their mental health. I understand about your parents' attitudes ...... my DM lacks even an ounce of empathy and they both have the "you've made your bed - lie in it" attitude.
My DD's father has no involvement and I'm never going to rid myself of the guilt that she didn't (for a while) have a rational, sober adult around.
I also suspect that your own depression would lift if you were in different circumstances.
Well, they've all left for work and school run and I just feel disheartened as place is a mess. I don't feel like a person just a slave.
No, you are not to blame. Yes, your respective issues are likely to exacerbate a poor relationship, but his drinking is not your fault. Your own mental health would likely improve without constantly being on your guard around him.
I remember getting similar comments from an ex when I confronted them about their addiction. He blamed me in every way he could. His resentment at me for getting between him and what he really wanted took over the whole relationship.
Just don't blame yourself. He only does so because of the immense guilt he feels.
I think writing on here has yet again opened the floodgates. I'm a crying mess and I'm supposed to be going to college shortly.
Thanks for all your comments and thoughts on my situation. I am in counselling but it feels like I'm only disclosing parts of my issues, they are unaware of DH issues.
I feel really, really scared to walk away as my self esteem and confidence has been shattered. If I feel so low on my own in the house now, how will I get better living as a single parent, my rumination and mood will probably get worse surely?? God I'm such a martyr
Hi have you thought of contacting al-anon - they will be able to support you and have groups you can attend. Can you afford any counselling or if your at college your student services may have something. Your family aren't helping - seek outside help/support. Best wishes
Womadia: I was in a situation like yours, 21 years together, 2 kids, alcoholic partner, verbally and emotionally abusive, anxiety and issues with depression. He always liked a drink, but in the last three years he started to hide it. I felt like sometimes I was going mad as he was more drunk than he should have been and I couldn't work out why, until I found a 7 litre box of wine stashed in his man cave. We never had spirits in the house and I never found any but wine was his tipple. He had an alcoholic father who drank vodka, and I think he has told himself the wine isnt as bad. Last year he got done for drink driving for 4 months (we live overseas).
Anyway, the drinking was a huge problem in our relationship, and I tried to help him stop or cut down. Sometimes it worked for a few weeks, other times it made him worse. I got him appointments with the doctor and he started on medication. Didn't make any difference and he became more verbally aggressive and abusive. In the end MY mental health was suffering, i started to have panic attacks and feel hopeless. I have never been so low in my life.
So one day, I said enough was enough, and left (8 months ago). He is still drinking, and to me it can be a worry because he has the children overnight, but he tends to binge when they are not there. I am watching like a hawk. His problem is his inability to cope with any situation without alcohol, its his crutch. That isn't your issue. He needs to learn to cope without it. I have had loads of guilt piled on me, and I am still quite supportive of him (from a distance). Thing is the damage that has been done, cannot now be reversed. if only he had wanted to and got help before we might have worked things through.
Take care of yourself and keep posting, its horrible living with a alcoholic. I know you are scared, I was petrified of the fall out after, and the first few months were the most difficult period of my life. But I am out of that fog now, and although he still turns the screw every few days and tries to guilt me, I know I made the right decision.
His father was your stereotypical alcoholic, big binges, in and out of rehab. His mum left him once and for all 9 years ago. He stopped drinking and never had another drink the rest of his life (he died 2 years ago), but they never got back together although were still friends. Alcohol is such a demon to many people, its very sad. But you cannot cure him, you cannot solve this for him. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom to come back up again.
Fatguy, only someone with no experience or understanding of alcoholism could write what you did. How destructive and awful. Shame on you. Go do some reading.
Thanks again for your suggestions, I'm going to look into Al-Anon although not sure what to expect they will say. pudding thanks for sharing your experience, your ex sounds like mine currently. I don't know if alcoholism was in the family as his mother died from liver issues although he told me she didn't drink, on reflection I wonder if this was a lie? My DC will hate me if I split from him, they do think he is golden balls to my moody and nagging mum! The fallout is making me scared, hearing your experiences gives me hope, small hope as I feel weak and worried to start proceedings, due to my fluctuating mental health.
Is he often drunk around the kids? Do they notice? Or is it all secret or late at night? How old are the kids?
They will notice, my ex used to shout and rage at me daily, the kids still want us to get back together, even though they know its better all round. If you are miserable, you either chose to live with it and hope he gets help or leave.
If you leave it might be the kick up the back side he needs, or it might send him the other way. Either way its not your fault.'Your needs are valid too.
if he went to get help and sorted himself out, do you think there is a chance you could recover from it. My advice, don't leave it so long if you want to make a go of it. Lay it on the line for him. if he chooses alcohol, his dependency is worth more than you, and you have your answer.
Your feelings are valid.
He is high functioning, he drinks when DC go to bed or just before he takes our dog out, I can tell but he denies it. I really don't know how much he gets through in a night as usually by 10pm he is asleep. Some nights he doesn't drink but I feel we have major trust issues regardless with this and other stuff. Tonight he has been lovely and made evening meal as I think he realises he has upset me. But I feel like we are in a cycle of rowing, falling out and him making up saying he'll change, but it doesn't last long.
I just need the confidence and self belief to leave him until he sorts himself out.
Have you told him how concerned you are, that you are ready to leave? It might take you leaving for him to get help, but it also might tip him the other way.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.