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I found porn and now I've got no idea what to do

(28 Posts)
AmazingGrace16 Sun 24-Sep-17 21:43:38

Name changed for this.

Dh and I don't have a great sex life. It's not for want of me trying but he's never in the mood.

Today I've found porn on his computer and an incognito option in chrome so that anything he searches in there can't be traced. The porn I found was in the normal chrome browser history so I've got no idea if he uses incognito or if it comes with all chrome browsers?

The type of porn he's searched for is skinny 18 year olds. I'm not skinny.

I'm feeling numb. I'm feeling like I repulse him and having had an eating disorder in the past I can feel myself already getting tempted.

I don't know what to do.

ThisIsntMyUsualName Sun 24-Sep-17 21:46:39

Did he actually search for skinny 18yo's or is that what you saw had been watched? I would imagine an awful lots of girls in porn aim to look like skinny 18yo's.

Is it the porn itself you have an issue with or the fact it's skinny 18yo's?

I'm sorry it's made you feel like crap flowers

AmazingGrace16 Sun 24-Sep-17 21:55:28

They were the titles of the porn so I'm assuming that he's searched specifically.

I think it's the fact that he shows no desire towards me and now it's blindingly obvious that he would rather have a skinny 18 year old.

You can't force someone to be attracted to you can you.

AmazingGrace16 Sun 24-Sep-17 21:57:51

I was raped when I was younger. That may account for how fucked up I am and probably why my husband doesn't find me attractive.

AmazingGrace16 Sun 24-Sep-17 21:57:51

I was raped when I was younger. That may account for how fucked up I am and probably why my husband doesn't find me attractive.

user1480334601 Sun 24-Sep-17 22:06:28

That's horrible grace so sorry he's done this to you sad

Are you going to speak to him or figure out your thoughts first?

AmazingGrace16 Sun 24-Sep-17 22:09:36

Right now I have no idea.
I screen shot and saved what I saw but I never ever thought he'd have anything to hide. The thing is too is that these were all things he typed in to get the direct webpage. It wasn't a Google search. So either he's got a lost somewhere he can click on or he's so au fait with the sites that he knows exactly what to type in.

I feel sick

user1480334601 Sun 24-Sep-17 22:12:12

Sending you hugs. I know exactly how you're feeling I've been there.

Have you ever discussed porn with him does he know you don't like it?

RickJames Sun 24-Sep-17 22:15:03

Gosh, I'd be pretty pissed off with that. Why don't you you just ask him what he's up to? Sexuality is often a strange thing but it's very personal- maybe it will open up a dialogue about your floundering sex life

MsMommie Sun 24-Sep-17 22:19:10

I don't think that your husband doesn't find you attractive because you were raped when you were younger.
I do think that what you've been through may have an impact on how you feel about porn though.

I watch porn sometimes OP, all different kinds of porn. Sometimes I watch 2 women 2 man porn (I don't find women sexually attractive) sometimes I watch older people porn (I don't find 'old' people sexually attractive)
I don't find my partner any less attractive, sometimes I even watch it with him.

Please don't take it as him not finding you attractive anymore, but do raise it with him and talk it through.
Sometimes random porn will pop up, of things I haven't watched or searched for. There was a 'glory hole' one in my history that I clicked on accidentally. I have nothing against it but it's not really something I like, but it was in my history.
And sometimes if your internet security isn't up to date and working properly you can just get random porn pop ups.

Just talk to him xx

LoyaltyAndLobster Sun 24-Sep-17 22:19:51

flowers

Disneybump Sun 24-Sep-17 22:21:35

Hi OP, I hope you're ok ♡

Many men use porn and 40% of women have accessed it at some point in their lives too... it's actually quite normal.

On that note... a lot of porn videos have words like 'skinny' and 'teens' in the title. I assume this is the result of unimaginative producers thinking that is what every man wants, but the truth is it's not and your partner may not have actually tried to search for that specifically.

I think you need to find out exactly what is going on here. If I found my DH using porn I would not mind in the slightest, that may be a controversial opinion but for me personally, it just doesn't bother me. But that is because he makes it clear that I am an object of his desire too.

So that sounds to me like the issue here, not the porn itself, it's more that he is making no effort whatsoever to make you feel loved or attractive. That would be a problem even if he wasn't watching porn.

I bet you are beautiful just the way you are, eating disorders are a slippery slope and can make you really unwell so please look after yourself. Address the real issues in the relationship using the pornography as a conversation starter. Tell him how it makes you feel, but be sure to place the emphasis on his lack of admiration for you as opposed to making him feel like a pervert for watching porn.

Perhaps he is feeling distant from you because he doesn't know how to love and support you the way you need... be open and honest (though it is hard I know) and let him see what you want for the two of you to move forward.

Remember you deserve to treated with respect and loved for who you are, the way you are. X

LemonadeWithACherry Sun 24-Sep-17 22:22:49

If you didn't find a Google search, are you sure the porn page didn't just pop up when he was doing something else? I get them from pirate bay for instance, and have to delete them from history in case anyone thinks it was me. Were there lots of pages?

AmazingGrace16 Sun 24-Sep-17 22:25:47

Oh Disney you just made me cry again.

You're exactly right. It's the lack of love and admiration that I'm struggling with hugely. We spoke about that this morning actually so that conversation has started but I've got no idea if he took it on board.

I'm thinking of writing him a letter once I've got my thoughts together.

I seriously do just feel unloved and I guess maybe that's the problem.

One of the pieces of porn was very rough and forceful. I am struggling with that one.

AmazingGrace16 Sun 24-Sep-17 22:29:53

He searched for "r nsfw" in Google. The rest were direct links. Searching that search throws up porn so that makes me think he was actively seeking it

kittensinmydinner1 Sun 24-Sep-17 22:42:45

I agree with pp whobsay this isn't really about the porn. It's about your DH not paying you attention sexually and your belief that he doesn't find you attractive.
Let's look at that issue. The porn thing is a detraction. The old line that 97% of men look at porn and the other 3 % are lying, may not be exactly accurate but not far off. So focus on the real issue.
Why has your sex life diminished.?
Have you changed radically in body mass since you got together, ? We all have a type. It's what attracts us to each other initially. ? Has your 'look' changed radically since you got together ? Have you put on a lot of weight ? Or lost a lot since you first met. ?
I know it's very taboo to mention looks. But love and sexual attraction are very different things.my DH loves the bones of me , but I put on 5 stone a few years ago, and he was not attracted to me. I understood this, I didn't fancy me ! ) and that was enough for me to knuckle down and lose it. The same goes for if you were bigger when you met and are now thin. Some men are not attracted to slim...
ask him. !

Disneybump Sun 24-Sep-17 22:48:31

I'm sorry! Don't cry! ♡ We all feel low about how we see ourselves sometimes (I'm a size 16 and stretch-marked to hell) but that's why we need a supportive partner to reassure us. It's what you deserve.

Be open and honest and don't be scared to be vulnerable. If it turns out he can't meet your needs and expectations, then you deserve better.

When you feel like it, start making plans to achieve the look you want in a positive healthy way... yoga, zumba, group classes or just a lovely swimming session on a Sunday (my personal favourite). If you are not getting the positive reinforcement you need from him, start to seek it from yourself.

You deserve to feel amazing!

AmazingGrace16 Sun 24-Sep-17 23:06:05

I didn't mean to drip feed so sorry if I am.
I've just lost about 3 stone. I was feeling ok about myself. I'm now feeling fatter than ever.

Should I be worried about the more forceful porn?

AmazingGrace16 Sun 24-Sep-17 23:07:41

I need the person I do life with to be positive and to adore me and build me up.

He just doesn't do that anymore.

Maybe that's the answer

Disneybump Sun 24-Sep-17 23:22:08

Losing 3 stone is amazing! Well done you! Can I ask... are you actually overweight or do you just see yourself that way?

It may not be the size of the girls in the porn that your partner is attracted to but rather the confidence... some men struggle with insecurity so that could play a part?

However his lack of support is making you feel insecure so that is often a catch 22 for many couples.

I wouldn't be worried about 'forceful' porn, many people watch videos of things they would never do in real life. It's the purpose porn serves... it's a fantasy. IMHO, the only porn that would be a cause for concern would be anything underage or non-consentual.

But everyone is different... some people find porn offensive full stop. It depends on how you feel

PeterBlue Mon 25-Sep-17 00:49:47

Incognito comes with all chrome browsers OP. He didn't go out and get it specially.

Kateallison16 Mon 25-Sep-17 00:58:45

R NSFW
www.reddit.com/r/nsfw

Not safe for work.
Mostly porn posted by young women / girls. Men often comment some pretty rank stuff on there, the girls get an ego boost.

AdalindSchade Mon 25-Sep-17 01:04:22

Forceful porn?
Has he been searching for rape/abuse porn?

Userlavender Mon 25-Sep-17 01:08:45

@amazinggrace lots of people watch porn, whether they have a partner or not. I think most people consider it private and not part of whatever relationship they are in.

GardenGeek Mon 25-Sep-17 01:35:22

With regard to incognito; it comes as standard on chrome by clicking "File' - 'New Incognito Window', so don't worry thats not something he's added.

If he's using a sub reddit to link to porn then thats why he is doing no searching on google, so wont have searched 'skinny 18 yo'. Porn video names are very crude and quite demeaningly descriptive about the women featured - such as 'wrinkly 60 yo', '30yo curvy milf' etc. Most under 25s would probably have 18yo as a title because porn is stupid like that.

Not that any of this makes a difference but just for your info.

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