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Being left out of the new family group chat

(88 Posts)
SnapYap Sun 24-Sep-17 20:10:57

MIL's side of the family have a group chat on facebook to which everyone is added, mil and her 5 siblings, their spouses, kids, etc. I am in this group. However a new group has been made recently, DH told me it was for just a few of them to chat about keeping an eye on mil's elderly mother. However it has become apparent that this is the new group chat for the majority, I asked DH to look at the list of participants in each group and when I've looked only 4 people weren't added to it, I was one of them. Two of the siblings are left out as nobody else likes them according to DH, a girlfriend of one of DH's cousins, and me. (We've been married 3 years, have a DS together). Seems strange to miss out 2 of the elderly mother's own children if it's about checking on her.

Me and ds were watching a video on DH phone a few days ago and a notification came up to say someone had asked a question in the old group, and somebody made a point of replying in the new group! To be honest I'm a bit hurt to be left out like that and find it even worse when DH phone is pinging all the time with notifications. I am the one to remind DH constantly to call his grandmother, to visit etc. So I feel quite put out. DH won't add me to the group either, ive asked several times and he says yes but doesn't do it. Can anyone help me please?

Aquamarine1029 Sun 24-Sep-17 20:30:10

I think you need to get over it. They are entitled to create any group chats they want to and to restrict admission of they so choose. Don't take it so personally and I see no benefit to keep pestering your husband about it. There are lots of things in life we just need to let go, and this is one of them.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Sun 24-Sep-17 20:31:32

Leave them to it. Less for you to worry about. .

SandyY2K Sun 24-Sep-17 20:33:29

Their entitled to a group chat that your not in.

Snapyap Sun 24-Sep-17 20:44:59

I suppose they are. Just feels shitty to create a whole new group of 20+ people in order to leave out 4 people they don't like.

Hissy Sun 24-Sep-17 20:49:32

Back away from the lot of them and be clear why you are more distant

BeatriceBeaudelaire Sun 24-Sep-17 21:23:37

Ask your husband to add you?

Caulkheadupnorf Sun 24-Sep-17 21:25:28

Talk to your husband about it or ignore it.

Sn0tnose Sun 24-Sep-17 21:50:11

I think I'd be quite hurt in your position, but I'm well aware I'm never going to be particularly close with my mil. How is your relationship with yours?

What I'd be more concerned about is the reaction of your DH. You know him; is he fobbing you off? And if so, why? Does he think he's in the middle between you and his family? Have you actually put him on the spot and asked him why he won't add you?

What I would do is stop reminding him to call his family etc.

LellyMcKelly Sun 24-Sep-17 21:54:48

I'd be glad to be honest. Less gossip, fewer jobs to do, less having to meet up with them. Let them get on with it. These groups come and go.

NachoAddict Sun 24-Sep-17 21:59:04

I would be a bit put out too but I woukd also back right ofd and leave husband to deal with his own family.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 25-Sep-17 01:44:33

I'd probably just let it go. Whatever.

But your DH needs to know that if this group is indeed for 'looking after' an elderly relative and if he is not going to add you in, that he'd better not 'volunteer' you for anything. If you're not a member of this 'care group', then they can make their 'care plans' without you being a part of them.

category12 Mon 25-Sep-17 07:16:03

Leave all the groups and turn off notifications. It's not worth the emotional headspace.

Nuttynoo Mon 25-Sep-17 07:27:10

Leave the group you are part of with a parting message that it seems like they’re all now using the new group, and as you’re not a member they can go via your DH if they need anything.

SomeBerryJam Mon 25-Sep-17 07:28:06

Why do you care?? What do you feel like you're missing out on?

ferrier Mon 25-Sep-17 07:40:40

I'd go with nuttynoo too.
Tell dh in advance that's what you're doing and stop doing any of the dh side of the family stuff you do eg. birthday cards etc. They/dh can't have their cake and eat it.
flowers

Cricrichan Mon 25-Sep-17 07:45:19

I would (gladly) leave them to it. It means you can get out of anything you don't want to do as you weren't involved.

Appuskidu Mon 25-Sep-17 07:52:51

I would imagine there is back story if 3 of the only people they've left out, you know they don't like. Have you asked your husband why you're not in it?

I would be fuming inside but would take the opportunity to 'know' absolutely nothing that's going on. If anyone asks you about DH's elderly Grandma-tell them you have no idea. Grandads birthday gift? No idea etc etc Whatever you do , do NOT hassle DH about his Grandma.

It's really rude-I would imagine there is a reason though.

SeaCabbage Mon 25-Sep-17 08:04:34

I would see it as a chance to not have to deal with any of that stuff. Sounds wonderful.

Leave it all to your husband to deal with.

I am sure you have enough other stuff to think about.

And asothershave said, they may regret their decision when you areno longer reminding your dh about everything.

timeisnotaline Mon 25-Sep-17 08:44:19

Do nuttynoos suggestion. And back right off with supporting and reminding dh to contact his family. I'd also state to dh 'we don't need to have a discussion about this, I'm disappointed you can't be honest with me re adding me to the group chat. You can take responsibility for your family as that's how you seem to want it.

Appuskidu Mon 25-Sep-17 08:47:10

I am the one to remind DH constantly to call his grandmother, to visit etc

Stop. It's not your problem any more.

Anecdoche Mon 25-Sep-17 08:51:17

stop prompting your husband.

it isnt your job to manage him. let him deal with it.

if he doesnt- that's on him.

i think it is clear what they have done and why. so step back and leave them to it.

if your husband needs reminding that's now their problem not yours.

ask him to mute reminders if the ping ping is bothering you.

Snapyap Mon 25-Sep-17 09:53:05

Thank you for all the replies. Yes there is back story, mil, the grandma and mils sisters have made it plain for the past few years they don't deem me good enough for DH. Mil was recently really nasty about me to my own mum at ds' birthday and it blew up into a massive argument between me, DH and my mum, DH wouldn't tell his mum the upset she'd caused though as he's a mummy's boy. It's obvious that they all dislike me and this group situation, however petty it sounds, is just another slight to let me know they don't really consider me family. I'm fed up to the back teeth of the whole situation and DH knows it but doesn't care to do anything about it

Appuskidu Mon 25-Sep-17 10:03:12

Then, I'm afraid as in so many cases-you have a DH problem.

0ccamsRazor Mon 25-Sep-17 10:11:28

So your dh does not have your back?

I think that shows you just how little regard and respect he has for you.

What a wander he is

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