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My DP is depressed because he's loosing his hair. What can I do?

(62 Posts)
winkletwinkletoes Sun 24-Sep-17 18:07:17


My DP is 28. He has been thinning for years and he knows this. He eventually needs to shave it off this year or next year at the maximum.

I am really supportive about this. I actually think he wouldn't look that bad as he has nice features ect.
I always say I think it will look fine and I actually have quite a few celebrity crushes on the bald or shaven headed man grin

But he is in total depression and denial. He doesn't think he is depressed but he is taking less and less interest in what he wears, what he eats and is constantly shovelling unhealthy food. He has gained weight because of this.

I have tried to promote his self esteem by trying to cook healthy meals when I was doing weight watchers, I ask him if he wants to go gym, I try and take him clothes shopping but he's just had a meltdown.

He says he isn't depressed, but won't buy any clothes because he doesn't like his shape, and has no motivation to go to the gym but then says he's fine with the way he is? confused

What else can I do as it's coming between us. I want him to want to make an effort but what else can I do?

He has said that I have to get used to the way he is because he isn't changing and it's only going to get worse.


MissWilmottsGhost Sun 24-Sep-17 18:21:04

Get him to grow a beard?

DH was really baby faced and always being asked for id, and when he started losing his hair it looked so wrong somehow with his young face. He grew the beard and started wearing heavier, squarer glasses, and that changed his whole 'look' to a more mature style that suited him better.

He seems happier with the beard, less moping over no longer being who he was, enjoying more who he is now.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 24-Sep-17 18:21:53

Sorry, but if a man can't deal with losing his hair, he isn't going to be able to deal with much else. Imagine how he would be if something actually serious happened. I would run for the hills.

Movablefeast Sun 24-Sep-17 18:38:21

I agree that there seems to be some immaturity issues here. If all you are doing is constantly looking after his feelings without any effort on his part this relationship looks sad and dysfunctional.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Sep-17 18:42:12

You can't do anything. Tell him to get a fucking grip and stop pandering to him. Perhaps he needs to volunteer in a homeless shelter or spend some time on a cancer ward.....some perspective badly needed here.

IrritatedUser1960 Sun 24-Sep-17 18:43:34

I'd show him my big fat ass and say look what happened here - hair is nothing.

SunSeaAndSangria Sun 24-Sep-17 18:45:05

Wise words from AF

winkletwinkletoes Sun 24-Sep-17 18:48:14

I agree with most of what everyone was saying.

The words almost come out of my mouth that children are starving in the world and this is your biggest issue. I work with families so I see a lot worse.

He's ruined today as the plan was to go shopping to spend his birthday money but he didn't want to go.

Honestly this whole hair this reduced him to tears saying he's going to look ugly, he won't be attractive anymore ect. But I've said to him all that matters is my opinions but apparently not... then I'm a horrible
Person for saying he needs to take some pride in his appearance. But I'm sorry if I stopped wearing nice clothes, didn't do my make up, let my eyebrows grow and my didn't dye my hair I am sure he wouldn't appreciate me saying I can't be arsed get used to it hmm

Floofd Sun 24-Sep-17 18:52:10

I can't believe some of the responses here.

How is losing your hair not serious? Women have horrible hang-ups about their appearances all the time and it can really affect your self esteem and your mood- whether that change in appearance is brought about by illness or not, and it's no less of an issue just because the person in question is male.

Can you imagine if a man had come on here and said his female partner was losing her hair? If he'd even hinted that he thought she simply needed to "get a grip" he'd be shot down in flames.

OP it sounds like you're trying to be supportive but maybe pushing him to go to the gym and buy new clothes isnt the best way to go about it. Keep reassuring him that yoy love him and are attracted to him regardless of what happens to his hair. If yoy ask him what he thinks would help, whay does he say?

Aquamarine1029 Sun 24-Sep-17 18:53:44

Honestly, just move on. Stop wasting your life on this fucking man-child.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Sep-17 18:55:02

You might want to read op's own posts again, floof

Movablefeast Sun 24-Sep-17 18:55:17

Floofd how can you compare the two sexes? It would be incredibly unusual for a woman to be losing her hair but it premature balding is normal and an inherited trait in men.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Sun 24-Sep-17 18:55:56

I don't think men and wonen losing their hair is comparable but I do agree the responses here are harsh. Show me the person who says they never worry disproportionately over trivial things and I'll show you a liar. Losing hair is very natural for a man but as s sign of ageing/decline (if that is how he sees it) I'm sure it does get you down. I wouldn't like it one bit.

BubblingUp Sun 24-Sep-17 18:57:12

Whenever I hear people get deeply upset about their appearance I wonder if Body Dysmorphic Disorder is the reason. It's a serious mental health issue that perhaps should be ruled out before we get into name-calling.

Movablefeast Sun 24-Sep-17 18:58:50

My brother lost most of his hair in his 20s and he didn't give up on life. He just took it in stride.

I understand this man is taking it hard but I don't think his partner should be treating it like a tragedy when it is very normal.

Kr1s Sun 24-Sep-17 19:00:37

As far as I can see, the OP isn't a psychiatrist so she can't " rule anything out " . And the person with the problem won't seek help.

So there is nothing than she can do, except listen to her BF who said that he's not going to change.

She can decide to get used to it or leave. Harsh but true.

winkletwinkletoes Sun 24-Sep-17 19:01:03

Floof- I have said what do you want me
To do? And he says there is nothing I can do. So I am at a loss.

But what I do know is it's not fair because previous history between us he has made reference to my anxiety and depression coming between our relationship and telling me to change otherwise it's going to end the relationship I went to CBT and I feel a lot better for it.
But surely mustn't he start to help himself.

Men loosing there hair is a commen thing something that 2 thirds of the population go through and at times he is acting like a child over it.

MissWilmottsGhost Sun 24-Sep-17 19:01:59

I don't know a single balding man who hasn't been gutted about it. Even the ones who joke about it.

Nobody is joyous about visible signs of aging. How many people on here moan about feeling old because of grey hair or putting on weight in middle age and this guy is only 28 confused

junebirthdaygirl Sun 24-Sep-17 19:02:38

I always feel sorry for guys losing their hair. It must be strange looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger. If its no big deal why are we women all dyeing our hair. We dont want to face reality. I nearly had a fit wgen hair grew on my chin. And lm not that fussy.
I agree with growing a beard. Its sexy and looks cool.
But it does sound a bit extreme so maybe he is depressed for other reasons too.
Is his dad bald? Naybe he sees himself turning into his dad.

winkletwinkletoes Sun 24-Sep-17 19:02:56

Moveable- I have said to him to just shave it off and man up. I don't see the big issue tbh it's quite common. More so he is treating it like a tragedy.

Movablefeast Sun 24-Sep-17 19:02:59

He sounds very self-centred, not someone to have kids with if he can't cope with normal change.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Sep-17 19:04:22

You are not wrong to feel this way, op
You sought help when stuff was getting you down. He should do the same....but no, he'd rather be a martyr and make your life miserable too.

Movablefeast Sun 24-Sep-17 19:04:39

If he is that miserable tell him to take out a loan and do a Wayne Rooney.

Desmondo2016 Sun 24-Sep-17 19:04:43

Tell him desmondo's son lost it all at 10 (alopecia) and is now spending his teenage years with random patches . Oh and he literally hasnt grumbled once. So in the kindest way possible your dh seriously needs to take some MTFU pills.

m4rdybum Sun 24-Sep-17 19:05:06

My DH has an unfortunate thin patch at the front of his head which conveniently appeared shortly after we met, so it's my fault and it really gets him down.

He's embraced the close shaved look now though and occasionally sports a beard- and he looks great.

Still doesn't stop him from being sad at his hair loss. I agree some of the response are harsh here agree if it was a man pushing suggesting his wife get to the gym, the pitchforks would be out.

Me and DH have an understanding that, one we buy and do up a house, and get some savings behind us - if DH still has hang ups, we'd look at a hair transplant, as I don't want him feeling shit about himself.

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