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DH is sabotaging our relationships with other people

(190 Posts)
Theburiedpenis Sun 24-Sep-17 15:56:49

DH has done a few things over the years which have alienated us from other people. Big things like pulling out of holidays with friends last minute and leaving them with the bill for the villa, to little things like pulling out of dinners, events or gatherings last minute when people have made an effort for us or spent money, and he expects the DC and I to do so as well.

It's made worse for me by the fact that I -rightly or wrongly - am quite motivated by other people's approval and being part of a group. So when he alienates people it causes me a lot of suffering. And when we start to arrange things with other people or family I feel sick with suspense at what way DH may sabotage the relationship.

DH's reasons for pulling out of things are always based around something that has happened to him, like a sudden depression, or injury or illness. All things which are very subjective, which he considers extreme and which it is hard to argue that he should just "push through" without being accused of lacking sympathy or being "cold and heartless" towards him, as DH puts it.

But he seems to bring these things out the day, or two to three hours before we are supposed to do something that I am looking forward to.

One of the big examples (he has done this twice) is pulling out of holidays with my (and supposedly his) friends. We booked a villa for several thousand pounds, each family paying a couple of thousand each. The day before we were due to fly, DH decided that he was ill (I'd say he probably had a cold but he thought it was "much worse." Granted, he has asthma so it may have felt much worse.) I tried to persuade him to see how he felt, get some medication, I said we wouldn't want to lose the money and the DC were looking forward to seeing their friends.

Anyway, he insisted we pull out, stating he was very unwell. And he told our friends that it was such exceptional circumstances beyond our (his) control that they should allow us not to pay and take on our financial contribution themselves as they would get to enjoy the holiday and we would not. When they said that was unfair, he told them what was unfair was the compassion they lacked at his being "extremely unwell." Well, one of those friends no longer talks to us and that is a loss to me.

There have been many smaller things like this, but they all involve DH bending the rules or breaking the contract and justifying it to himself because he feels that what is happening to him is an extreme exception, and if anyone were to question his special circumstances that they would be a heartless, uncompassionate psychopath.

And if I show him the pattern of events he has created, he has an explanation for each one, each a one-off, an exceptional circumstance. And if I don't put his suffering first above "socialising" (as he calls it) then I am not a good life partner etc.

FWIW he does this with his ownfamily too and his friends so it's not just limited to people who are predominantly connected to me.

What do you think? Is anyone else's partner like this?

Userlavender Sun 24-Sep-17 16:01:45

I think he's a pathetic arsehole. Or a drama queen and a bit precious at best - never attractive qualities in men.

FinallyHere Sun 24-Sep-17 16:03:18

Now you have spotted it, are you going to let him continue?

Pagwatch Sun 24-Sep-17 16:04:59

Can I ask, when he said to your friends that they should cover the cost of his abandoned holiday did you say nothing or did you say 'actually that's utterly unreasonable, of course we don't expect it to be funded' or did you go along with it?

yetmorecrap Sun 24-Sep-17 16:06:06

Could it be a money situation and he makes out there is more available than there is and likes to keep up a front? I have no idea obviously if that's a possibility but if lots of these things involve spending it did cross my mind

Gemini69 Sun 24-Sep-17 16:07:01

I would Never make arrangements with the man EVER.....

redexpat Sun 24-Sep-17 16:09:16

What would happen if you said well actually dear Ive been really looking forward to this. Youre an adult and you can look after yourself. See you when I get back.

gamerchick Sun 24-Sep-17 16:09:42

Why are you going along with it? Leave the fucker at home on his own confused

Seriously what are you going to do about it? Maybe he either goes to the GP to treat this extreme anxiety or put your foot down. It's inacceptable and I just can't figure out why you don't step up and say no.

Aperolspritzer123 Sun 24-Sep-17 16:10:11

Why didn't you go on your own with the dc? It's unbelievable that you wouldn't just get on with your life and let him stew at home. Also LTB - he sounds like an utter tosser.

gamerchick Sun 24-Sep-17 16:13:00

Start small. Next time he starts to make plans, interrupt and nip it in the bud unless you are able to leave him at home if it comes to it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 24-Sep-17 16:13:06

That's terrible behaviour. Leaving other people to foot your bill. And he makes you miss out. Why on earth are you putting up with it. confused. I couldn't love a man like that.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 24-Sep-17 16:13:11

He is a nasty piece of work really, isn't he?

Have a big think about how he is as a person apart from this.

Because from that snapshot, he sounds as if he gets something out of doing this. Which is not nice. Why would that be?

But, also - what's your response been to this kind of stuff? Re the holidays- I would quite simply have gone without him. And I would certainly have paid our share. The implication here is that you don't get to do that - you can't decide to break ranks, and you don't have a say in funances. Also not good.

Are you scared of him?

FizzyGreenWater Sun 24-Sep-17 16:13:50


Shodan Sun 24-Sep-17 16:14:18

A question from me too- was there any suggestion that you and the DC go ahead and go on the holiday without him? I'm guessing not, but would love to hear that I'm wrong. How did he justify ruining the whole trip for everyone?

My XH used to make a big fuss about tiny mishaps if we had people round- for instance if someone spilled a drop of drink there would be a face pulled, a loud Oscar-worthy gasp of dismay, much barging around with kitchen paper etc and an attempt (as I saw it) at making the guest feel bad. But he didn't cancel events last minute and fortunately did nothing on the scale that your H does.

He comes across as a massive drama llama and selfish in the extreme. Can you live with someone who puts his own self-absorbed happiness before the happiness of his family?

Theburiedpenis Sun 24-Sep-17 16:16:23

i don't go because DH guilt trips the DC and I into feeling that we are abandoning him when he is really suffering and that we are not prioritising our family. He has a thing about how we all should put our "family" (i.e. Each other) first.

With the holiday we had a huge fight, I publicly disagreed with him and I gave some money to our friends, but not enough to cover the holiday because I couldn't afford it.

A lot of the things are also decisions we have to make as a family where we can't simply split up and do different things. DH then has an "emergency" and the way he describes it to others, it would appear weird for the rest of us to show up when he was "gravely ill."

sooperdooper Sun 24-Sep-17 16:19:27

Why didn't you disagree with him about paying your share of the holiday and reimburse your friends? No wonder they don't speak to you sad

I think you need to have this out with him, list out all the times this has happened, talk to him about it & tell him if it happens again you'll be going alone/with dc as he's ruining your friendships

sooperdooper Sun 24-Sep-17 16:21:07

Why couldn't you afford to pay for the holiday? How would it have been paid for had you gone?

Is this about him controlling money or not having enough money to cover what he's agreed to?

Whisky2014 Sun 24-Sep-17 16:21:30

Sounds to me like he suffers from anxiety.

But if I were you I would still go to everything that's booked. Just because he doesn't want to go doesn't me you have to stay in with him. Just go!

numbmum83 Sun 24-Sep-17 16:21:38

So he's not only cancelling plans for himself but for you and the DC too ?

What is this teaching the dc? That it's ok to let people down ?

It's almost like he's controlling you because he lets you look forward to something then at the last minute , saying "look at what you could've won!" Then ripping it away . Keeping you on that rollercoaster of control coz you're not able to look forward to anything .

Gain some control back . Leave him at home and go ahead with the dc and the plans or leave him.

gamerchick Sun 24-Sep-17 16:21:53

So what are you wanting then? You're allowing your kids to be fucked with emotionally on a regular basis by their dad. How many disappointments are you willing for them to have because you're putting this man before them and everyone else?

FizzyGreenWater Sun 24-Sep-17 16:22:11

He is a manipulator.

He's not ill and doing it deliberately - almost as if to demonstrate that he can pull the rug out from under anything. Enjoying flexing his controlling muscles.

So you don't have access to all funds, then? You paid for the holiday that had been agreed with family finances out of your own pocket?

You know the answer here really though. Especially as his manipulation takes in the DC. I presume they are quite young? They will get to the point that they don't believe him, but by then they might be fairly damaged by him too.

Whisky2014 Sun 24-Sep-17 16:22:53

Just saw your update. Nah fuck that he is just controlling you. He doesn't want to do stuff but he doesn't want you to do anything either.

DameFanny Sun 24-Sep-17 16:22:56

He's very controlling isn't he? Do you have any friends you see on your own, or is this discouraged as well?

Pagwatch Sun 24-Sep-17 16:23:51

I do sympathise but I think the thing where he 'guilts' you is pretty ridiculous. I don't see how that conversation can possibly work.

Surely 'but DH prioritising the family means that the DC go on a holiday rather than stay at home because one of us is ill. Staying at home because you are ill is incredibly selfish and just prioritising you. Especially as it keeps happening' isn't anything other than the first thing that would fall out of most people's mouths. Why can't you split up ?,

If people say 'but isn't he gravely ill' why can't you laugh and point out that he thinks a bad cold is gravely ill. Is he unable to laugh at himself. Do you ever even tease him about this nonsense?

Why are you going along with this crap?

LottieDoubtie Sun 24-Sep-17 16:23:51

I gave some money to our friends, but not enough to cover the holiday because I couldn't afford it.

Does this mean that as well as being an arse and selfishly ruining group plans, disappointing his wife and DC and socially isolating you all he ALSO doesn't let you have free access to family money?

does he have any good points?

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