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Not so DH has stayed out all night - why won't he just leave?

(29 Posts)
SweetCrustPastry Sun 24-Sep-17 05:37:34

I so wish he would. DCs (at uni) need a solid base at home and it's been pretty toxic for about 4 years now and I am sick of sleeping on the sofa.

Shouldileavethedogs Sun 24-Sep-17 06:05:05

Why don't you leave

PlugUgly1980 Sun 24-Sep-17 06:07:03

Why should she leave?

donajimena Sun 24-Sep-17 06:08:14

Its a bit blunt should but yes if he won't leave what other resolution can you come to? Because this is clearly not a good situation.
Do have the means to move out? Does he?

InfiniteSheldon Sun 24-Sep-17 06:08:19

File for divorce, put the house on the market, take responsibility for your life. It's hard but you can do it.

Shouldileavethedogs Sun 24-Sep-17 06:18:59

Why should he leave when she's the one who want out. Sit down like grown ups and file for divorce.

speakout Sun 24-Sep-17 06:25:54

Who owns the house?

Shouldileavethedogs Sun 24-Sep-17 06:28:41

They're married. They both own it

SweetCrustPastry Sun 24-Sep-17 06:36:53

The problem with leaving is one of DCs needs somewhere solid, secure and supportive to stay for the next few months. He's had a really difficult year, not helped by the situation at home, is going to need a lot of support to get over a health problem.
He's away at the minute and has made massive progress in the last few months I really don;t want to disrupt that.
There's not really anywhere else he can go.

Shouldileavethedogs Sun 24-Sep-17 06:40:40

I'm guessing it would take a while to sell the house so he would still have stability. How old is DC.

speakout Sun 24-Sep-17 06:44:08

Shouldileavethedogs how do you know that?

speakout Sun 24-Sep-17 06:46:20

OP you need to see a solicitor.

A relationship breakdown is usually a two way street. You may need to seek other accommodation until the house is sold if you can't bear to live with your OH any more.

SweetCrustPastry Sun 24-Sep-17 06:55:49

I have been trying to get him to Sit down like grown ups since last October.

Part of the problem is our finances are linked and we have massive debts. He can't get his head around the fact that we are broke and so kept spending and ignoring the fact the accounts were all massively overdrawn. He won't leave unless I pay him far more than the house is worth - I doubt we would cover the mortgage if we sell. We do have a flat we rent out. The tenants left last year. He initially refused to put it on the market but when we did we couldn't sell it.

We couldn't sell our house easily.

bimbobaggins Sun 24-Sep-17 06:59:22

Why don't one of you move into the flat?

speakout Sun 24-Sep-17 07:02:29

SweetCrustPastry I left my OH in similar circumstances.

It is physically possible.
My OH was terminally ill with a year to live and we had big debts.

I withdrew my share of money from joint accounts, closed them and set up my own account. I moved out to rented accommodation.
I employed a solicitor who contacted the mortgage provider and informed them that there may be no more payments until the house was sold. OH had his hand forced.
My credit rating was unaffected.
Move your body and the rest will follow.

GabsAlot Sun 24-Sep-17 07:04:48

mov into the flat

he cant do anything about where u live-tak your money out an go

SweetCrustPastry Sun 24-Sep-17 07:06:48

speakout I think you're probably right. I'm really concerned about pulling the rug from under my DC though in terms of him having to move. He will find it really hard to live somewhere with no familiarity or outdoor space. I'm also concerned that I will have to then pay the costs for two places as DH won't. He will probably get lodgers if I leave but is more likely to spend the money than use it to pay the bills.

SweetCrustPastry Sun 24-Sep-17 07:11:26

speakout that sounds like a really awful situation you were in.

I thought if we stopped paying the mortgage we'd be repossessed. If it's an option to just freeze the mortgage payments till we can sell that might work - thank you.

speakout Sun 24-Sep-17 07:11:49

sweetcrust- but you don't have to pay the costs for two places- that's my point.
And you can rent somewhere or move into your other property.

You can provide a base for your son there. And surely it is better for him coming home to a place without a bad atmosphere?

speakout Sun 24-Sep-17 07:18:31

sweetcrust- speak to a solicitor, keep the mortgage company informed.

We were able to stop mortgage payments without the property being repossessed. Even though my OH was at first unwilling to sell.

Sounds horrible what I did reading it over. My OH was abusive before he became ill, I was punched and raped. He developed cancer and his rages got worse. I was sick of being used as a punch bag, so ill or not I got out.

cordeliavorkosigan Sun 24-Sep-17 07:18:32

It sounds like your current situation may not be really providing your ds with as much stability as you think. Surely the emotional environment is as important as the outside space and physical room? For me it would be way more important!

SweetCrustPastry Sun 24-Sep-17 07:22:32

If it weren't for DC's situation I could stay here till the house sells. But OH behaves like a spoiled child when they are home and that creates a really toxic atmosphere.

mumtri Sun 24-Sep-17 07:23:03

Try a website called debt camel reference some of the debts too, fantastic website

SweetCrustPastry Sun 24-Sep-17 07:27:30

You're right cordelia it definitely isn't good with OH here. I had hoped he would see that and we could do this in a way that was the least disruptive for DC.

SweetCrustPastry Sun 24-Sep-17 07:28:07

thanks mumtri - I'll have a look.

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