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I feel like my life is over(91 Posts)
Hi everyone ,
This is my first time posting on mumsnet. I'm 23, two children (DS-4 , DD-18month) and my partner of 6 years left me 3 weeks ago without warning. I just need some reassurance that everything will be ok.
I'll give a brief insight into my life / relationship (its long so bare with me)
6 years we've been together ... 7 times he's walked out. Sometimes for a day, one time lasted 7 months, last year it was 2 months. I really don't know why I put myself through this pain??
I'm a student (paediatric nursing) in my 3rd year. Shifts are long , tiring and I'm emotionally drained on a daily basis. sex became rare .... which was where most of our arguments stemmed from.
I have a prolapse from the birth and recently he had told me I had put on weight. I guess that's the real reason I didn't want it?
We went on a family holiday 4 weeks ago ... everything was fine. We laughed and loved and I felt immensely lucky (as I always do).... he told me every day he loved me , held my hand and cuddled up at night. Final night he smacked our DS. I was mortified... it was farrrrr to hard. So I put my arm up to prevent from hitting him again and he kicked (and very nearly broke) my right elbow.
We never have had a violent relationship , never . So that behaviour came as a complete shock to me? (But this is why I believe he's now left). From here we continued normal family life.
This was the Tuesday. By Friday he was gone. A friend of mine had messaged telling me had complemented her photos via Facebook inbox and was very interested in her single status. He went to stop at his dads house for a weekend (to give each other some space) BUT never returned.
The Monday he was due back I called , he sent a text saying he was going to Vegas and it was over, no going back.
I bombarded him with texts , calls, snap chats, for answers , I wrote a letter, ignored them all. Stupid me.
I then received videos of him having a great time in Vegas , a pool party. I instantly sent abuse telling him never to come home. His response was pictures of him having sexual activity with prostetutes. telling me how "tight" they were. Mortified.
I'm here 3/4 weeks later .... still can't find a way forward whilst he has moved out , loving life , going out every weekend , booked another holiday for next week and already on other dating sites? How is he so happy whilst I'm struggling to even get out of bed. I can't go to university , I can barely smile in the playground when dropping my son at school.
He did this the week before our son was to start primary school, how dare he! He's explanation was "we just aren't right for each other, we want different things out of life?" What a pile of s**t what he means is financially im not at his level yet and I'm a burden on him.
Every day I've asked to talk, try and figure out and actually considered forgiving him (am I deluded ????)
He's now laughing at me. He comes to pick the children up for tea twice a week (for 2 hours) and laughs at me whilst I'm in bits at the door. "Get a new fella and move on"
He's evil. Im so in love with him though it's unreal , we were just buying our first house together (well he was) for our family. His dad wanted me to sign to say I wouldn't take any money should we split up (the cheek)! His family have always had something against me. his mum even sent a message to say it serves me right for booking a holiday when I should be saving for a mortgage? I never go out with friends , I work/uni 24/7 and she has the authority to tell me what I should do with my money? I took her son and our children away and this is how he repays me. Maybe she should be educating her son on paying for wasting his money on prostetutes and new cars.
I do however have a bunch of supportive family and friends , Im living with my dad at the moment with the kids (he's amazing!) he's now doing the rooms up for us (so I can stay here and save for as long as I neee to) and everyone is rallying round me to keep pushing forward.
At night I find myself obsessing over where he is. Who's he with? What's he doing?. I'm trying to catch him out so that I have a reason to understand why he left. He says there's no other woman , but he's taken girls to hotels before (for sex) and I was at home none the wiser.
Sorry for waffling , I don't know how I'm going to get though this.
Deep down I know he isn't good for me. I know I don't deserve this! But for some reason I have this mental block that only remembers the amazing times together as a family..... not the man who is ruled by his willy and Walked out on his girlfriend and 2 children.
You need a decent therapist to help you unpick why you have been so co-dependent on him.
There will be a free service at your uni, go to speak to them urgently get there support.
You know you are worth more than this - your choice of username is perfect.
This is going to be a long slog, extricating yourself from his life, but you will do it.
What you are feeling for him is grief for the relationship you thought you had, and the family you thought you were going to be. This isn't how love is. You don't love someone who could smack your DS and almost break your elbow, not really. You did, but he isn't worthy of your love. Really, he isn't.
You also don't need to take any notice of his mother. You do need to get CM out of him.
Also, you're a nursing student so you have access to support and counselling through your university or the hospital where you're training. Use it.
But you don't remember only the amazing times. You remember all the awful shit.
Write down more of it.
You are going to be just fine. Your children will also be fine and you will graduate and have a worthwhile career. You are stronger than you know- after all, you've held it together this far and dealt with all his nonsense for years, that must have been hard on you.
It's going to be hard but your family will support you. I hope the children's father is paying to support them? If not, get that sorted straight away.
BTW, he almost certainly isn't having a great time, he's just trying to hurt you. If he really was living the good life, he wouldn't be wasting a moment of it on bragging to you.
I'd strongly advise you to either work out a way of remaining neutral and not showing any stress or pain when he collects the children, or having someone else do the handovers. Giving him a reaction just feeds his ego and will make his behaviour even worse.
Thank you for replying.
I'm currently sat writing a list of awful things that's happened. I think from the above post I've made him out to be some form of bully. Believe me we've had some amazing times... we literally did everything together. I used to come home from work, tea would be on the table and I would be greeted with a massive hug/ kiss. It's Saturday night and I'm here in tears , kids asleep and I feel lonely as hell. He's out having a great time. Due to see him at our sons swimming lesson in the morning. Not sure i can face him. how long will it take for me to let go? The thought of him happy in another relationship makes me sick! Why isn't he begging for me back? Why can't he see what he's lost. Our two beautiful children are none the wiser (thank god) but I'm trying so hard for it not to affect them. I told them other week daddy has been working away. I'm not sure how to tell them he's gone forever and your only going to see him twice a week for tea? I can't believe this is the life he wants for his kids. He's such a good actor if he can love me one minute and switch off his emotions the next! Grrrr. Thanks for support xx
Please stop contacting him. Take back the power from him, he knows he has you exactly where he wants you, sending you videos etc. to hurt you, block him now.
You WILL get through this, honestly you will. It'll take time, took me 6 months to even think clearly but my ex leaving was actually the best thing that could've happened for me. I have built a new life and I have no regrets.
He pays me 200 a month for them. That's always been the arrangement even when together. Just to help out with days out, uniforms , bits of clothes for them. Xxx
Hopefully you'll soon lose all respect, never mind affection, for the man who treats your kids like this, never mind what he's been doing to you.
And sort the CM. Certainly sounds like he can afford more than £200 per month.
Sorry you're feeling so low. You will get there though. Glad you have those friends and your lovely dad. Let people help and take care of you x
Everything will be ok.
It will take a while for you to begin to think clearly again but you will.
It will take a while for you to stop crying and thinking about him all the time, but you will.
It will take a while for you to feel happy again but you will.
Finish your nursing course. You have a career waiting at the end of it...what an amazing achievement that will be! Be proud of that and make your DCs proud too. You can do this...for them and, most importantly, for you. You have a future....please don't forget that.
The extreme highs are totally knocked off by the extreme lows. The prostitutes? Smacking your child?
These are HUGE warnings.
I'm separating from my DH too, so I wanted to say I do know how you feel. Mine is not as extreme, but pretty bad, I definitely loved him more than he did. My self esteem is way too tied up in him. I have two kids. The thought of starting again...
Awful. But we have to, don't we. These men are dead end roads and dangerously damaging.
200 a month 'even when together'??? So add financial abuse to that list of his delightful characteristics.
Love, take it from someone nearly twice your age - you're well rid of him. You sound like an incredibly strong, sorted, intelligent woman, and you will be fine and one day you will thank your lucky stars for the day he walked out for the final time. But I think you would benefit from doing the Freedom Programme (perhaps online) to work out why you're hankering after him still despite all he's done.
He's not 'some form of bully' - he's a bullying, narcissistic, egotistical, immature specimen. No abuser is horrible 100% of the time, because then you'd never go near them. The nice is deployed to keep you hanging on through the nasty.
I'm so sorry, OP.
It is still early days. It is really, really normal for guys to "switch off" in the immediate aftermath of a relationship ending, while the woman is in pieces. Soon your roles will be reversed. You will be moving on, and he will realise what he has lost.
Believe me, you will start feeling a lot better soon - but it may be a few weeks yet. Honestly love - put your head down, keep yourself as busy as possible, distract yourself in the evenings when you feel down, and don't come up for air until you reach the 3 month mark. Avoid seeing him at all costs if you can - can someone else be there for pick-up? - and draw strength from the knowledge that this will get better.
Please don't stop attending uni when you're so close to the end, finishing your degree will be the key to a fantastic career and decent wage with which you can support yourself and the children. Don't let what he's done take that away from you. Get your head down tomorrow morning with a coffee, a pen and paper and write down a plan for how you're gonna continue with the course/placement despite what's happened, from logistics to emotional (I.e. Texting or ringing the Samaritans on your way into work to let it all out and start your shift with a clearer head). You can do this!
Thank you everyone. I never realised how much better I would feel letting it all out on here. Makes me view him in a different light . With hope it will get better! I'm so angry at myself for spending the last 3 weeks begging him and showing him I'm weak. Greentonmato3 we can do this!! We are not going through this alone.
People keep telling me he will regret it, however his actions are telling me he won't god I can't wait to smile again.
Should I avoid seeing him at swimming tomorrow ? Or should i put on a brace face ?
I've considered writing a letter , telling him how I've finally woken up (even tho i haven't) and to remind him all the shit he's done to me and I've still stayed 100% loyal. I've always put him, our babies and my career top. It's a shame me and the kids aren't anywhere near the top of his priorities. Sex & money!! All he's arsed about. Vile monster..... Xxxx
I think some therapy would help understand yourself better and why you would even talk to him again (bar the DC), never mind want him back.
I suggest the 180.
The 180 will help you move forward and have a good life without him
I 100% won't be letting him take my career away from me. He doesn't think I'll make it without him as he helped a lot with childcare. How wrong is he. I have my whole family backing me up in this. Uni have swapped my next placement to a closer one where I can do minimum hours (they are very supportive).....I'm going to go on Monday morning with a smile on my face , ready to tackle the world. I've 9 month left and I'm a Nurse! I already have my job lined up On NICU. I can do this! I can! Xxxx
Don't write him a letter.
Write a letter to yourself about why you are going to be better off without him.
You can't have a future at the mercy of his whims....coming and going as he wishes, being cruel and vile, blowing hot and cold so you don't know where you stand.
Focus on yourself and your DC. You absolutely will get through this but you need to be solid as a rock and not let him dent you. Be firm, stay strong, minimise your contact with him and don't let him see your tears. He isn't worth it.
I have emailed uni asking for a referral to counselling. I feel like I'm loosing the plot ?? Is it normal to want him back after all hes put me through ?! Any normal person would up and leave I think being run over would hurt much less.
I will read the 180. Anything to ease this pain.
I'm obsessed with what's he's up to right now, how's he smiling when I'm crumbling. Total ass.
I'm so sorry for you, OP!
Of course you can do much better. It's hard now but get all the help you can and you'll pull through, you know you will.
Is he on your kids' birth certs? I suspect he is but if not, just cut all contact. Don't let him have the kids. Don't rely on him for childcare. You've got your family, friends, neighbours, any of them would be more reliable than the monster who thinks it's ok to abuse his child and than his mother in front of him.
KEEP A DIARY. Record phone calls. Back up texts/FB messages, etc. You may need all this if you decide to report him to social services. Before you do though, take some advice because the SS are a can of worms and you need to be absolutely sure you wouldn't be opening yourself up for allegations.
Best of luck!
Fantastic news about your course and your job! He can't take that away from you and it is a foundation on which you will build the rest of your life. You are successful. Believe that. He, on the other hand, sounds like a loser!
Avoid at all costs. What you need to be careful of is he will charm you soon, as soon as you pull away he will chase. He will probably regret it, and at some point come back quite strong, that's the toughest challenge.
It's so much easier to see someone else's situation. I just posted about mine too, and couldn't really see just how low my DH was treating me, getting his whole family to hate me!
And yet I still find it totally alien to try and think of my future taking the kids 100 miles away. But I think we've hit rock bottom life. We can't go round and round with things good then increasingly horrible. That's our only future with these guys. Not the man they are when they are ok. They never keep it up because it's not real. They don't really love us, not in any ok and healthy and good for us way.
Let's get out, if not for us, for the kids life - they deserve better!
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