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Will never get married or meet his child - should I just walk away?

(146 Posts)
Oldname Sat 23-Sep-17 18:28:15

Hive been with bf for three years. Started off very rocky but he's changed a lot and finally we seem to be at a settled point. I have two dc's ( 4 and 6) and bf lives with us 5 nights a week and stays at his 2 nights to see his son who is 19.
In order to make life easier all round and to not feel like I'm the other woman (never was), I've asked all this time to meet his son; was fobbed off repeatedly then finally told last night that son refuses to meet me. His son has meet his mother's new partner and that was fine.
So now I've been told that it will never happen. As long as his son wants to my bf will be up there two nights every week without us, when it comes to Christmas bf will leave us at midday to spend the rest with his son.
I'm now feeling like I can't see a future, or that I'm not good enough for bf to commit to or something. In addition we had a talk about marriage and bf said he didn't believe in it - despite having previously been engaged!
I'm frightened to end it because I love him and so do the kids - but I feel really unsatisfied and resentful.

Any advice appreciated please

beesandknees Sat 23-Sep-17 18:35:21

If marriage and meeting his son are what you need to feel ok, then it's best you walk away now.

Whether he's in the right or not is unfortunately neither here nor there. He's made his position clear and there's no point getting upset that you two don't see eye to eye - even if you managed to guilt him into changing his mind, in the end you would be even worse off because the moment something stressy came up with his son, or with your marriage, I can guarantee you'll be blamed as youll be the one who "forced" him into the situation.

Personally, I'd not get married again, the fact I've been married before isn't a sign that marriage is something I want now.

And if my DS didn't want to meet a DP, my DS would come first, it would be a non issue. I'd carry on my rs with my DP and just keep the two separate. Imo families don't have to be blended in order for partners to be happy - but - I appreciate many women have had the opposite drummed into them and just can't accept that.

Take him at his word op
Don't try to get him to change his mind, it'll end in tears. Sorry x

Adviceplease360 Sat 23-Sep-17 18:37:36

Ditch him.

Redglitter Sat 23-Sep-17 18:42:16

If his son is point blank refusing there's not a lot you or he can do. It can't be easy for him either. The current situation isn't going to last. Hopefully his son will meet someone and when he's settled down he's not going to want his dad's company 2 nights a week.

If he was preventing you from meeting his son I'd say ditch him but under these circumstances I'd personally put up with it til it runs it's course

geneveve Sat 23-Sep-17 18:43:14

Walk away. You are worth more and you know it. Easy to say, harder to do, but will be better in the long run.

oldlaundbooth Sat 23-Sep-17 18:44:21

Get rid.

Tameagobairanois Sat 23-Sep-17 18:48:46

Your kids are so young that you can't have given yourself time to find your feet as a single woman before you got together with this guy who isn't giving you what you want.

I wasted time with a man who used me for a relationship as I now see it. He never saw me as a forever person but it felt right to me, so it was painful, however, even though I missed him I didn't miss him for as long as I thought I would and I felt stronger and more confident for having made a decision that I knew wsa right and good for me. I saw him a while ago and I thought, wow, how did I idealise you so much.

MaisyPops Sat 23-Sep-17 18:48:53

He has an adult son dictating his living arrangements?
He needs to find a backbone.

Something like 'DS I know you don't want to meet my partner or my step children and I respect that, even if it hurts becsuse you'll happily see your mothers new partner. However, you are an adult and I will not continue to have my living arrangementz dictated by your demands. We can meet up each weekend, I can stay some weekends however you need to respect that you cannot have a monopoly on my weekends'.

Viviennemary Sat 23-Sep-17 18:53:33

You're not happy with this situation. If you can live with it then stay if you can't then really it is best to end the relationship. But you can't force a 19 year old to meet you. Depends on your DP's attitude to this and how much it impacts on your life. What do you want. So your bf has a house and only lives in it two nights a week. Soon his son may move away or find a partner. But it's not great however you look at it. I wouldn't be happy either.

glitterlips1 Sat 23-Sep-17 18:56:01

What 19 year old son wants to spend every weekend with their dad? Nothing wrong in that but I have yet to ever meet a 19 year old who wants to do that? Something seems fishy. Have you ever just turned up at his place on the weekend? I would. He sounds like he wants a relationship during the week but wants the weekends to himself....having his cake and eating it basically. I couldn't be with someone who wants to be in a part time relationship after three years.

Anecdoche Sat 23-Sep-17 18:57:34

are you happy with this arrangement? genuinely happy?

if not, end it.

ivykaty44 Sat 23-Sep-17 18:59:48

This son has issue for whatever reason - tbh it's probably best you and your dc don't get involved.

The issues are what they are and for whatever reason, we can only make guesses.

Move on if you want marriage and different things from this man

Redglitter Sat 23-Sep-17 19:01:05

The OP just said 2 nights a week did she not. She didn't say he was with his son every weekend

SandyY2K Sat 23-Sep-17 19:06:26

The marriage would be more important than the son to me.

Decide if you're happy without marriage and take it from there.

BubblingUp Sat 23-Sep-17 19:08:26

Maybe it's your bf who doesn't want you to meet the son. Something is weird here.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 23-Sep-17 19:08:31

I guess your partner told you that his son did not want to meet you. I also thought along similar lines as the previous poster did; something does seem a bit off here.

Would not settle for this under any circumstances because you are simply selling yourself short. You may well love him but I think this man actually loves his own self far more. He has a good set up with you because he is in your home 5 nights a week with you providing for him; he is not going to want to give that all up at all quietly. He should be looking elsewhere if he merely wants a housekeeper.

MaisyPops Sat 23-Sep-17 19:09:14

2 nights a week is still ridiculous.

He needs to grow a pair and decide what he wants, not have a relationship when it suits him.

I wonder what story the sons mum has told him to be honest

Wheelycote Sat 23-Sep-17 19:12:23

Walk away. Sorryflowers

Butterymuffin Sat 23-Sep-17 19:13:58

So he has his own place, that he pays rent/mortgage on, but just stays there weekends when his 19 yo is there? Does he pay towards rent and bills at your place? Have you ever spent any significant time at his place?

Beardedandbalded Sat 23-Sep-17 19:17:28

What's he like with your kids?

SandyY2K Sat 23-Sep-17 19:20:25

He could have a whole other life on those 2 nights a week.

Sounds fishy.

ChicRock Sat 23-Sep-17 19:35:34

hmm yeah I'd be making a surprise visit next time he's at his real home other place for 2 nights.

Oldname Sat 23-Sep-17 19:38:07

He buys shopping here but nothing towards rent or bills.
The two nights aren't always weekend nights - they change depending on work and other plans.
I have spent a few nights at his house in the early days of our relationship but not been there for probably over a year now.
He's had a row with his son over this but will not lay the law down as such.
I've asked him to say to his son that we will all be there at Christmas and he's more than welcome to join us but bf won't say that.
So this two days a week will carry on indefinitely, as will the mortgage and upkeep of his house, and separate holidays etc.

SandyY2K Sat 23-Sep-17 19:39:46

yeah I'd be making a surprise visit next time he's at his real home other place for 2 nights.

I agree. You might just be surprised and have your answer.

Beardedandbalded Sat 23-Sep-17 19:49:38

Splendid cock lodger

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