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Ex wants to 'catch up'

(35 Posts)
toffeeapple123 Sat 23-Sep-17 15:39:36

An ex from a long time ago randomly got in touch the other day and wants to catch up. But is it only ever just a catch up with an ex?

We were in a long term relationship in our early 20s, he was my first love and we remained friends for a number of years. There were occasions when I wanted to get back together, but he didn't, although he did fish from time to time. He wasn't up for anything serious and that is still proven by the fact that he is still the only bachelor among his wide circle of friends. I was deeply in love with him at the time and we were mostly a great fit, but we did rub each other up the wrong way a lot of the time! Things got messy as a result of a FWB situation, but I had lost feelings for him by then. We stayed friends for a short while, then lost contact.

We haven't spoken in 6 years or so - he stopped talking to me, despite my repeated attempts at contact, and I think it's probably because he went into a relationship. I presume he's come out of a relationship recently - his social media channels are full of pictures of him going out, on holiday etc. It's appears to be classic post break up behaviour (again, just speculation). I am thinking maybe, as a result, he is reminiscing about his past and thought of me. Why else would he randomly get in touch after all these years?

I have grown so much since we stopped talking, he won't know the person I am now. I have only his msgs and social media profiles to go on, but he seems exactly the same!

Not sure why I am sharing this here! I wouldn't mind being friends. My mum and close friends always thought we'd end up together. But I think I've outgrown him. And he seems to still be enjoying his bachelor life!

Italiangreyhound Sat 23-Sep-17 15:43:14

Are you single OP? Do you still have feelings for him?

Tread carefully. flowers

Trills Sat 23-Sep-17 15:46:12

You don't have to meet up, not even for a coffee, if you don't want to.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Sat 23-Sep-17 15:46:53

I think you're right. It's probably not a good idea. You sound like you've got a good life and the worst thing that could happen is that meeting up pulls you backwards, iyswim.

Shayelle Sat 23-Sep-17 15:48:49

Do think it would be good or beneficial to you in any way to meet up op? Some things are best left in the past flowers

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Sat 23-Sep-17 15:50:09

He wants to see what new tricks you know. . . .
blush

ladystarkers Sat 23-Sep-17 15:50:19

Are you single? If so why not?

Sn0tnose Sat 23-Sep-17 15:50:50

I don't think he wants to catch up with the intention of establishing a friendship between you. This man does not want to be your friend. You didn't lose contact; he cut you out of his life and ignored your attempts to be his friend.

I think he's filed you away as the woman who still loves him. I think his intention is to use you to boost his ego, reassure himself that he's still desirable and then move on to the next victim, full of self assurance. You're nobody's back up plan. Ignore, delete and block. Anything else is the road to upset and tears.

toffeeapple123 Sat 23-Sep-17 15:52:30

Italiangreyhound Recently, single yes. Hard to say about feelings - nothing serious though, it's been so long! Just happy memories. We were friends before losing touch.

I guess I've been wondering about him and us after he's got in touch, that's why I've posted. He's suggested a catch up, saying it would be fun. His messages were nice and positive. Doesn't mean anything else or that he's thinking about a possible relationship. But then again, I know men don't get in touch or stick around for no reason and are mostly driven by sex.

Besides, as I said, I think I've outgrown him - we were young when we were involved and I'm sure we've both changed, possibly me more than him! Don't think he's got what it takes to make me happy anymore.

toffeeapple123 Sat 23-Sep-17 15:54:04

Sn0tnose Very possible! Would make sense, especially if he's come out of a long term relationship. Although, there were occassions when we were friends where he'd cry on my shoulder about a love interest, and I would do the same with him. I hope he knew I moved on...

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 23-Sep-17 15:54:52

Ex's are ex's often for good reason; stay well away from him. He's fishing for an opportunity with you to probably further exploit your kind nature.

Keep moving forwards with your life and take the rose tinted nostalgia glasses off.

He is not your friend here and infact never has been. You have indeed outgrown him. He needs you as a boost to his ego, he needs you far more than you need him.

Trills Sat 23-Sep-17 15:55:04

If you think you've outgrown him, chances are you wouldn't enjoy dating him and also wouldn't enjoy being friends with him.

So, what would be the point?

Anecdoche Sat 23-Sep-17 15:57:27

so he is newly single and having a sniff around women he previously banged to see if any have the low self esteem required to go running, knickers off and condom unwrapped?

i'd give it a pass if i were you.

toffeeapple123 Sat 23-Sep-17 15:59:00

AttilaTheMeerkat Wow I didn't think of it that way. Thought we were friends - or that's how I considered it at least. Maybe he cut off contact because he was with someone and thought it wasn't respectful to be friends with an ex?

Trills Good points to consider. Just a friendly catch up? We were together when we were both very young. He has no power over me at all now. None whatsoever. I do see him as a old friend/brotherly type.

toffeeapple123 Sat 23-Sep-17 16:00:33

Anecdoche I'll be honest, I did think if he is newly single, it's been so long, I'm sure he has other women as back up - but then I saw his recent photos and oh my, time has not treated him well - so maybe he has to dig further back in his contacts grin grin grin grin grin

Italiangreyhound Sat 23-Sep-17 16:01:48

I agree with Sn0tnose and others.

I think he is looking for some comfort, sex and who boosting! Be careful.

RatRolyPoly Sat 23-Sep-17 16:02:04

I'm normally of the opinion that you steer clear of exs, but actually I think in the absence of a good reason not to, why not? If you're curious that is. Doesn't sound like you broke up on bad terms, no axes to grind, no unfinished business; you don't sound emotionally unstable in any way, you sound strong and together; and there are no partners on the scene! So to my mind it just comes down to whether you want to.

Perhaps new you and new him would succeed where old you and him failed... Or perhaps that's the romcom outcome and you'll walk away almost laughing thinking, "phew, dodged a bullet didn't I!" or "ha, does he think I don't have too much self respect to be his blast-from-the-past rebound??". Who knows!

Italiangreyhound Sat 23-Sep-17 16:02:11

Ego boosting!

toffeeapple123 Sat 23-Sep-17 16:03:28

One potential benefit of meeting would be to be friends. As mentioned, we were friends for a while and helped each other during bad times. I have recently come out of a relationship that didn't end well. I am doing OK, but it might help to catch up with an old friend. He was very supportive during a bad break up I went through years ago (I helped him as well). It wasn't all bad...

toffeeapple123 Sat 23-Sep-17 16:05:07

RatRolyPoly I have a feeling we'd continue as before we friends - and hopefully he wouldn't cut me out the next time he gets a girlfriend, because honestly, it's been so long and we finished a seriously long time ago!

toffeeapple123 Sat 23-Sep-17 16:06:12

Italiangreyhound Ha well he'd be in for a surprise - certainly not gonna give him an ego boost! As I said, I think he'll be absolutely stunned at how much I've changed. We're similar age, but I feel I've outgrown him.

FattyCutty Sat 23-Sep-17 17:00:47

Forwards onwards never backwards.

Princesspinkgirl Sat 23-Sep-17 18:16:19

Personally i talk to my ex but because weve kids together

LilaoftheGreenwood Sat 23-Sep-17 18:27:47

I think MN can be a bit overcautious on this stuff tbh. Many types of exes SHOULD be avoided at all costs, but this doesn't remotely sound like one of those cases and you don't sound hung up about him. If you don't like the experience for any reason you needn't repeat it. Maybe he's going to try it on or maybe he's just trying to expand his social circle after a breakup, maybe you'll be bored stiff in 20 mins or maybe you'll leave having made a great new/old friend. Maybe he has some hot friends.

toffeeapple123 Sat 23-Sep-17 19:55:24

Maybe he has some hot friends >>

Haha yes it did cross my mind, although the last time I thought about this, he didn't introduce me to anyone! Besides, it looks like his entire group of friends have married and have loads of kids!

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