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I think dh has depression and there's nothing I can do

(10 Posts)
Prusik Sat 23-Sep-17 13:09:58

We've had an eventful few years, including a late MMC, our dog dying, the loss of our dog, etc, and I think dh has burnt out. He's seeing a therapist at the moment.

We have an 8 month old ds and I'm 21 weeks pregnant with our second boy. DH got up from an hour 7-8 as I was feeling dizzy. Finished breakfast with Ds and put him for a nap. DH has been asleep ever since.

This isn't what I thought family life would be. I've struggled with the shit we've gone through too but dh is just well and truly broken.

I'm just so sad and don't know what to do. When Ds wakes from his nap I'll take him swimming. I'm going to go on my own but I know that's just out of spite more than anything as I just don't want to be around dh right now.

Prusik Sat 23-Sep-17 13:41:40

He's still in bed. I have no idea what to do. Whether to wake him or leave him. This is breaking me and breaking our marriage

lifeisazebracrossing Sat 23-Sep-17 13:46:07

It's awful to feel this way and he will likely feel all sorts of guilt too. Encourage him to get help from the dr and counselling/life coaching. Try to find someone who has dealt with men in particular before. It's so hard dealing with this but it's so difficult feeling like it too. flowers for you both.

Prusik Sat 23-Sep-17 13:49:36

The therapist he's seeing is really good but I'm really running out of patience. Being pregnant and having a baby at the same time isn't the easiest especially with a husband who isn't exactly stepping up.

Good news is the therapist told him last week that he had to stop sleeping on the sofa so he's moved back to the bedroom but the rest just doesn't seem to be getting better.

I don't know how much longer I can do this foe

SensitiveOldAgeGuy Sat 23-Sep-17 14:22:49

He did get up when you were dizzy. Tick.

Sounds like there is professional therapy in place. The trouble with that is it's so long between sessions.

May I suggest giving him clear, calm, simple instructions?
With time given to complete tasks.
"Do the washing-up now". "Vacuum the lounge".
"Come with me to the pool and watch me swim with DS".
Avoid discussion and negotiation.
Being asleep can interfere with this. Monitor his sleep, more than "normal" is alright but it needs to be at regular times.
Depressed men often appreciate a firm fair boss when they can't make up their own mind what to do. It may take some time for the appreciation to show.

MoreProseccoNow Sat 23-Sep-17 14:38:01

Has he seen a Dr? And/or done one of the online depression scoring systems? Medication?

Living with a depressed partner is grim, more so with a young child & being pregnant. Unfortunately it is a very selfish illness by nature.

You can't make him better, but you can encourage him to help himself. If he can't or won't, you have done tough decisions ahead.

Prusik Sat 23-Sep-17 16:55:42

He's going weekly at the moment and we can hardly afford that let alone to pay for more. He hasn't been to the GP but I figure with therapy at least he's having support.

I refuse to baby him. He needs to take responsibility for himself as I've got enough on my plate with Ds and a consultant led pregnancy.

I took Ds swimming and dh was up by the time I got back. It looks like he's sorting dinner and I've disappeared for a bath. It's not fair but I just don't want to be around him right now

MoreProseccoNow Sat 23-Sep-17 17:41:20

Having been in that scenario with my DP, I would insist he see a Dr. too.,Private therapists are very happy to keep taking the money. And whilst I'm not denigrating what they do, he may need medication too.

We are still paying for therapy 18m later, to the detriment of our finances. He has also required antidepressants. It's shit.

SensitiveOldAgeGuy Sat 14-Oct-17 08:02:49

Any Joy yet Prusik

NightTerrier Sat 14-Oct-17 08:14:54

It sounds like he needs to see an actual doctor, preferably a psychiatrist. I'm not sure what qualifications this therapist has, but it doesn't sound as though they're doing the job.

Do you live in the UK? It's just that there are services available to help people such as community psychiatric nurses, community mental health teams and psychological therapies. Depending on how bad your DH is, these might be available and they are free.

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