DP wants to leave to rejoin the military

[applepancake]

Has anyone's OH's left the military and then chosen to rejoin?

That's exactly what DP wants to do but it would mean him moving to the other end of the county and realistically we couldn't afford for me and the baby to go and to be honest I don't want to leave my job/family here.

He left the military to settle down and have a family, he got that and has now come to the conclusion that he misses his old job (and the lads from the job) He would try and get back every weekend but it effectively leaves me with all the responsibility of our 10 month old!

As not to drop feed our relationship was fantastic until we found out I was pregnant (planned) and he kind of lost it and he's not been the same since! Unsupportive throughout pregnancy and early baby times but he has some health issues of his own which cause him pain every day (he would still be able to rejoin with these and he thinks it would help his pain). Things seem to be getting back on track with our relationship but now this bombshell has just been dropped and I feel like I've already put up with so much to keep our family going and now this!

[Hoppinggreen]

He's basically leaving you but trying to dress it up

[applepancake]

He's not hoppinggreen, I sometimes wish it was that because as much as it would hurt at least it would be a clean break.

He begs me most days to go with him but I know realistically we can't afford it

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

Would you consider getting married and moving into quarters?

[PolkadottyRose]

I don't know what your partners motivations are, but I have been married to a soldier for 28 years, 25 of those being spent actively in the Forces. It isn't easy for them when they leave, and the longer they have been in the harder it is. The skills they had in the army (and the respect they had via their rank) don't always translate well to the outside world, in fact sometimes they are worse than useless. Case in point - my DH was responsible for running an army store where he had final responsibility for ordering, distributing and overseeing millions of pounds worth of items...he applied for a job working on the shop floor at B and Q, and after filling in a psychological questionnaire he was told he didn't meet the psychological profile for working for them. A job he could have done standing on his head. This is why so many of them leave and rejoin, or end up back working for the MOD in some capacity, as my husband has. I am not saying this to excuse anything your partner may be doing wrongly, but just to illustrate that he may really struggle outwith the Forces, and he would not be the first.

[FritzDonovan]

Mine was in, left to go to uni (where we got together), got a post grad and job in a totally different field, then after a few years missed the excitement and rejoined. It's caused no end of problems and destabilization of our relationship, esp since kids came along.
Personally, I think it's v selfish on his behalf to basically leave you with the hard work of looking after everything yourself just because he wants to go back in. In my experience it will end up a very one sided relationship, you won't have the same freedom of socialising/work hours/career progression/time to yourself as he will, but I doubt he will see this.
How long has he been out for?

[applepancake]

It's the childcare we couldn't afford, family help us out a few days a week at the moment but we would have to pay for nursery for 5 days rather than 2, it's just not do able, he would be full time as would I.

I would have happily married him before but our relationship isn't back up to a point where I would marry at the moment ☹️ quite a bit of a sore point actually so I wouldn't be willing to do it so we can live in married quarters. We could sell here and buy there, that wouldn't be so much of a problem.

[2014newme]

Oh goodness I think planning a baby before marriage in this case was a bad move. He doesn't sound at all committed to you.

[applepancake]

@FritzDonovan they are all the things I've said to him but all he says is how much he misses it and I don't understand because I've not been in the forces.

I don't understand that but I do understand that he would be leaving a family he chose to have for his own well being at the expense of ours.

I don't want to tell him he shouldn't go, I want him to chose his family but even if he does is he just going to resent me for it? I honestly think he will but where does that leave us ☹️ one of us is always going to be unhappy and that's before I even think about our baby! What's best for him? I don't even know!

He's been out a couple of years now. My worry for him is that he gives his job up here (which he is good at but has just started to dislike when this all started) goes back in and then decides he's made the wrong decision!

[Fluffybrain]

It doesn't sound like he wants a family life. Asking you to move with him is selfish. If I were you I would make the clean break myself and find someone who wants to be in a family.

[applepancake]

@2014newme hindsight is a fantastic thing! Life was nothing like this before otherwise I wouldn't have had a baby, we were engaged and had our lives together planned out. That's what makes it all the harder.

[category12]

It doesn't sound like what you want in life is compatible. He'll resent you for standing in his way, or you'll resent him for not making a go of it outside the forces. I would let the relationship go and aim to co-parent, rather than lose all liking for each other over time.

[applepancake]

@Fluffybrain I know you're right, it's just so hard to walk away. He says he does want us as a family but he wants the forces aswell.

Neither of us want to let our relationship go but ultimately it's now clear we want different things. It's just a shame for our little boy that this all happened after he was here rather than before I was pregnant.

[CaretakerToNuns]

He just doesn't give a shit about you. Find someone better.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Does he have to go back to the same regiment? Could he not get a desk job with the reserves?

[Aquamarine1029]

This isn't good. At all. The sacrifices he should be making should be for you and his child, but instead he wants you and the baby to uproot your whole lives because of some impractical/unnecessary whim he has. Don't go and I think you need to move on from him.

[applepancake]

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter it's quite specific what he did and it's that that he misses so he wouldn't settle for anything less unfortunately.

On one hand I'm mad with him because I feel like it's so selfish but on the other hand he thinks this will help cure the pain he's in so I can see why he wants to go but then he adds that he misses the people and the role. It's understandable that he misses all of it but surely that shouldn't come above his family! He is genuinely conflicted with it but I can't help but think if we were enough he wouldn't want to leave. He tells me it's not as simple as that.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Ah right. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this The thing it is "as simple as that" he just doesn't want to face up to the fact that he's picking his selfish wants over what's best for his family because he doesn't want to be the 'bad guy'. He's made his bed, his family should be his main commitment now, not running off at the first sign of discontent. What do your family/friends think?

[SparklingRaspberry]

So his pain caused him to become unsupportive yet he's still able to join the military?

Yeah right.

I'd leave. He clearly doesn't want to be a family man. If his pain stopped him from being a decent father/partner then it'd also stop him from joining up again

[Greenday90]

[HeddaGarbled]

The curing the pain thing sounds unlikely. What's your view on that?

[Adrianflank]

I used to work with a bloke who was on the army, was having a very successful career in the army, him and his wife was having problems, she told him it's either him or the army, So he ended up leaving the army, as the years went on he recanted more and more, he ended up leaving his wife and joining back up, said it was the best thing he did!

My old man served 22 years in the army, he left over 10 years ago, he had loads of responsibility while serving, left the army and got into a different type of job, it has been 10 years and my dad has still struggled with being a civvie, his biggest struggle was that if he had a problem with someone he would just confront them which was the army way but doesn't work in civvie street as people love to run to HR!

If he had the choice he would join back up, But he is to old now

[applepancake]

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter they think he's being unfair aswell. I think he even knows he is but that doesn't stop him, he thinks because it's the military it's different.

To me it's a job that he gets paid for, he's replaceable to them but he's not replaceable to us, we're the ones that love and care for him.

I get so angry and decide that's it! I'm leaving! If he loved us then he wouldn't even want to go but he talks me round and says "I'm not saying that I'm going" but really even if he doesn't go he's only going to resent us isn't he like a pp said.

[applepancake]

@SparklingRaspberry I'm trying to not out myself too much - it's becoming clearer that his pain is partly to do with stress and he thinks the stress has come from the change in lifestyle of leaving the military. It's a specific role that isn't all action.
He thinks going back would stop the stress and in turn help some of the pain. This is why I feel bad for him aswell as angry, he's caught up in his own problems to see anyone else's. Much like @Adrianflank is saying about the struggle to settle back in to civvie life.

The bit I struggle with is he didn't seem to be struggling with the readjustment until I was pregnant so it feels like an excuse although I'll admit maybe it was that when it hit him that he couldn't just do as he pleased anymore.

Me, I'm not so sure because I think he's curing one problem while adding a different one which would be leaving home.

[Hermonie2016]

Why did he leave the military? He maybe looking back with rose tinted glasses.A lot may have changed in a few years.

However your childcare costs are for a finite period of time so don't assume you could never move.

[FritzDonovan]

I thought much the same things as you, thinking I shouldn't ask him not to rejoin just because I could see how hard it would be for me/the relationship. I have tried my hardest to make it work, but it still has been at the expense of my career and well being, while he has what he wants, with bonus fun days out abroad. Yes, he may miss the kids while he's away, but he chose to do that. We miss him while he's away but we had no part in that decision.
Although at the time I obviously thought things would work out, in hindsight I would do it differently. I am pretty sure I would be happier now if I had left and found someone who put his family above having an exciting career (to the detriment of everyone else). It took me a long time to realise my wants and needs are just as valid as his, but I've left it too late.
As you can see your thoughts for the future are so different, and one of you is going to be unhappy whatever the decision, I would seriously think about parting. Not sure how he would manage to parent effectively while away so often though. Maybe discuss this with him so he knows exactly what he's choosing to miss out on. Although tbh, with this type of person I think he'd be happy to leave all the difficult and inconvenient childrearing to you so he can continue his fulfilling career unhindered.
Good luck, whatever you choose.