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Husband going out what's reasonable

(45 Posts)
Londonmamabychance Fri 22-Sep-17 19:46:39

New post as too many typos in first one!

Okay, just trying to understand what people think is a reasonable way for husbands to behave. Know there is a wide range of what's considered acceptable in terms of going out, it just trying to see if I'm being a control maniac bitch, or if my husband is pushing it.

We have two kids, one almost 3 and one 8 months. Before the baby was born my husband would go out for beers almost every Friday night and I would stay home with our first child. I was often cross about it but let it pass as A) he works in an industry where networking and socialising is key to getting jobs and v much part of the culture B) I don't mind being home with the kids SO much, I often enjoy quiet evenings, but when it got too often I got enough of it.

Our baby had colic for the first three months and we had an absolute nightmare, I got depressed and had to go and stay with my parents for 1 month, now he's better but still a rubbish sleeper, so I'm still v tired all the time and struggling a bit to make everything run around, especially as we have no family in this country. In the beginning DH hardly went out, but since the baby is better (last two months) he has started wanting to go out almost every Friday. Not till crazy late, comes home like 10.30, but still, it leaves me to do dinner and bedtime alone. After a long day alone with the kids. So he went out last Friday, I said okay but come home 9.30 pls, he said okay but called at 9 and asked if he could come home at 10.30 as it was someone's birthday. I said okay and he came home at 11. We had a row - not so much because he was late but because of an unrelated issue. And then today he texts me and says do you mind if I go for one pint this night and come home at 9. I got super cross and told him no. I feel so sad and tired of telling him what to do. I don't want to be the strict controlling wife, but am so tired being stuck at home alone with the kids. I never go out and he's never alone with the kids. I can't leave baby with him as he's fully breastfed and v clingy as screams head off if I'm not there And just can't bear the thought of food that to the baby. Maybe once baby starts in nursery and becomes more independent I can go out a bit more, but as the situation is now I can't. Any thoughts and sharing own experiences much appreciated

Redken24 Fri 22-Sep-17 19:53:32

I think your husband needs to stay in more.

user1496587010 Fri 22-Sep-17 19:54:11

I can't cope with bedtime with two under two on my own, neither can my husband. So we both go out. But only after bedtime. I think your husband is taking the piss expecting you to facilitate his good times. Does he recognise you have the shitty end of the stick? Could you work out a way to have a break?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Fri 22-Sep-17 20:00:01

I do get some jobs have a social side to them so could you compromise on every other week? I don't think he should never go out, but every week is hard on you.

Notonthestairs Fri 22-Sep-17 20:00:22

It wouldnt and didnt bother me. But my DH has never got home in time to do bedtime in the last 9 years so I am used to it. 17 months between my kids before anyone asks.

But my baseline isn't yours. Can you suggest that he goes out every other Friday? He also needs to stick to your agreed time home. Its not fun feeling like the nag I know but I think nights out (for you too) are important.

Notonthestairs Fri 22-Sep-17 20:08:56

Sorry - just wanted to add that the stage you are at now, literally at the coalface of parenting will pass. Its shit, I do remember bits of it very well.
But thats not a reason for him to leave you on your tod every friday evening - I just wanted to say it will get easier.

LegoShmego Fri 22-Sep-17 20:21:59

It's once a week! Should he give up a social life when having kids?... Why can't you just deal with bedtime one night a week alone?!

What if it wasn't drinks? What if it was a hobby which met each week? Would you ask him to give it up?

Why don't you go out one evening to even it up?

Londonmamabychance Fri 22-Sep-17 20:23:12

Thanks for advice and support! I think agreeing on him going out every other Friday isn't a good idea, and then for me to have some time on my own during weekend on every others week. That should balance it out

Londonmamabychance Fri 22-Sep-17 20:24:08

Lego, I can't go out as baby cries like mad without me at bedtime at moment.

Londonmamabychance Fri 22-Sep-17 20:25:03

Also, realise sounds pathetic I can't deal with bedtime alone one night a week, but baby still wakes 5+ times a night and still taking sleep medication and antidepressants

Londonmamabychance Fri 22-Sep-17 20:25:22

Me, not baby

Londonmamabychance Fri 22-Sep-17 20:25:49

Was meant to say IS a good idea not isn't

LegoShmego Fri 22-Sep-17 20:29:26

I know what you nean at bedtime! I had a booby monster for 2yrs!

But, I think it's important for both parents to get some down time each week.
If you can get an afternoon to yourself? Rather than an eve?

mindutopia Fri 22-Sep-17 20:29:59

I think everyone has their things that work in their relationship, but no, going out every Friday would be a deal breaker for us. We do things equally, so if he went out every Friday then it would be my turn to go out every Saturday. We'd never get any time together as we both often work in the evenings during the week (both work from home) or need to go to bed early to get up early for work. We don't spend much quality time together on week nights. So Friday and Saturday are like our date nights at home, where we have a nice meal, some wine, get to finally catch up from the week. If we were both going out every weekend (and if he went out, in theory, I would be free to go out the next night, otherwise it's not unfair), then we would literally never see each other. My husband might have one night out (overnight staying with friends) or a weekend away at most one a month or once every other month. We live really rurally so if he goes to visit friends, it's far enough away that he doesn't drive back home that night, so it's a night away. Or if it's for a stag do or a friend's birthday or something it might be a whole weekend anyway. He almost never just goes out for an evening. But still, no, weekly wouldn't be acceptable to either of us. Family time on the weekends is much more important. We're more likely to invite friends over for dinner or to meet up for lunch on the weekend as otherwise one of us has to be stuck at home.

Fairylea Fri 22-Sep-17 20:34:26

I think this is one of those things where people have very different ideas about what's okay to them. My ex dh was a real "beer after work" man and would pop into the local everyday without fail (he would work 7-2 and then go to the pub for an hour) and then would be out every Friday until 11.30. It drove me to breaking point to be honest. He wouldn't have resented me going out, but I didn't want to go out, I wanted us all to be home. I resented the fact rather than want to come home to us he would rather be in the pub. We ended up splitting up when dd was very little, I left him.

Some years later I met the man I am married to now (been together nearly 8 years) and he is very much the same as me and doesn't go out. Neither of us want to. We are both really homebodies and apart from the essential works do maybe once a year we just don't go out and that suits us.

I think it depends on what you're happy with and what you can live with, it's difficult if you're with someone that feels differently.

Ttbb Fri 22-Sep-17 20:37:29

It really depends on what kind of arrangements you have. If it is for work then o cry a week is completely reasonable. If it's for fun then it is only reasonable if you have an equal amount of spare time to do whatever it is that you want. In our domestic set up I am on childcare duties through the day and the night but my husband will normally do mornings and nursery pick ups/drop offs for eldest so that I can catch up on sleep most during the night. He then goes to work around nine and comes home around nine to eleven depending on work load/if he goes to spend time with friends. Obviously he doesn't spend the whole time working, he goes to the gym of the cinema or something. Likewise I get 1-2 hours freeish while the youngest is napping. We end up getting a similar length of sleep time and free time is what I am getting at.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Fri 22-Sep-17 20:38:03

Actually Lego, for the relatively very short time that babies are quite this demanding - yes, lots of people do actually give up their social lives to some extent.

OP has had to give up hers for now, so why the hell shouldn't her DH too?

It's not forever. Not even close. Having a family does equate to sacrifices being made, and it is very important that it isn't left to one parent to make all of them!

SparklingRaspberry Fri 22-Sep-17 20:42:13

I think he's being a shit

No, having kids doesn't mean he has to give up his social life but right now he's literally taking the piss!

Tell him from now on whatever he does you also do. If he wants to go out once a week make sure you too have 1 day/evening out.

I understand some jobs have the social side to them but he is not gunna get the sack by going out every 2 weeks instead of every single week!

Joysmum Fri 22-Sep-17 20:45:43

Once a week I wouldn't have a problem with.

Joeywhitter Fri 22-Sep-17 20:46:31

I think it's only once a week and I wouldn't/don't have a problem with this (I have a 2.5 year old and 6 month old). I think it's really important to have some down time. However, for me DC2 is ridiculously chilled out and (currently) a good sleeper, as is DC1 so bedtime is not a problem. And as i have them both all week, DH does more than his fair share with the toddler at the weekend which feels like a break even if i have the baby.

I'm breastfeeding and DC2 won't go down at night without me (have had a couple of unsuccessful nights out) but I don't think this is DH's fault nor does it mean he shouldn't go out either in my view

SleepingStandingUp Fri 22-Sep-17 20:52:11

How much does DH pull his weight when he is home? I only have one so I know its very different but currently happy for him to go out once a week
he wouldn't moan at me doing the same
does his fair share when he is in
will let me get a lie in weekends as I do all the overnights
We alternate bedtimes so its fair as DS cab be a long put down (still in his room atm)

LegoShmego Fri 22-Sep-17 20:54:37

I agree with joey santas

Why should my dh not have the choice to go out just because I don't?
I didn't say social life, I said down time and if that involves going to the pub once a week with friends then i wouldn't be stopping dh. As it is, dh isn't in to going to the pub, bit he is a keen outdoor enthusiast, as am I. So we make sure thay we both get time each week to get out.
Often, when dc were little it did mean that dh went out more than me. But why should thay bother me?.... He was working alot and having very little free time, whereas I'm mostly a sahm so could easily meet up with friends with dc, or go for a run/bike ride with dc in trailer.

Autumnskiesarelovely Fri 22-Sep-17 20:56:49

I do think for some people, the letting your hair down once a week really helps. However, it's really tough with newborns. He has stopped for a while.

I think you need a day off every week. How about you take it in turns, you go out one Friday, him the next?

Or compromise, you get a lie in Friday or Saturday morning?

Sometimes, sat at home both of you all the time isn't the best way to get respite.

CottonSock Fri 22-Sep-17 20:56:58

I have been in a very similar position and if I'm honest my dh does not go out often. If he did he would offer to help with bedtime first. He did go out tonight after work and bed time was quite eventful. Not sure how people do it with more than two

mamamalt Fri 22-Sep-17 21:03:24

My OH does the same thing. He works in a very male environment and so beers every night is like an extension of the working day. After many times of feeling how you do and many arguments a conversation had to be had at an unrelated time to lay down some kind of agreement. Could you approach it at a less volatile time?! He shouldn't be calling to ask you if he's allowed out...
I find just accepting he is out. Full stop. Is good. I don't give a time to be home as it doesn't matter. Baby is in bed and I can chill out and he will be home whenever. He does however need to be getting up on say a Sunday morning and doing all the parenting while you get a lie in etc.
Someone has already said it but that age is the absolute worst for breastfeeding I found too! They are old enough to be happy around others and you are sort of ready to move away from them but they still need your boob! 🙇🏻‍♀️
I really hope you're okay. Men just do not realise sometimes. Take an afternoon, a good friend and a spa. Leave him in charge and do not worry about the crying. You deal with it so he will have to. Xxx

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