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What would you do?

(33 Posts)
Marygoround17 Fri 22-Sep-17 14:09:37

I found out by mistake, a text msg on DH's work phone from this woman - I'll call her B. B is DH's friend sister. DH's friend died years ago. However, B has kept in contact with my DH dispite the fact that I have made it very clear to both my DH and B to stop communicating because there is really no need to because DH's friend is no more. Throughout my marriage life I have been coming across many text msgs and calls on DH's phone (always work phone not his personal phone) from B which suggested that there was some kind of relationship still going on. This has caused a lot problems in my marriage for as long as I can remember. B is also married with kids by the way?
When I confronted DH about the many texts and calls he had been having with B at the time he denied having an affair with B and promised he would stop all contact with B and have nothing to do with her. For a while I didn't see anything to suggest otherwise until recently when I saw a text on DH's phone from B greeting my DH. This message showed on DH's phone when DH asked me to put his phone on the charger (I didn't go Iooking for it) I recognised the number straight away. My first reaction was to ask DH but I was not in the right frame of mind to confront him at the time,so I took a snapshot of the text messge instead until am ready to confront him.
DH knows how I feel about B. In the past I took the matter head-on which wasn't always the best way forward. Not knowing whether or not my DH responded to B's text message is doing my head in. What would be the best way to tackling this issue without too much drama?:-(
DH is otherwise a fun, loving, caring and wonderful person.

Moanyoldcow Fri 22-Sep-17 15:06:01

What kind of messages? Are they having an affair?

Moanyoldcow Fri 22-Sep-17 15:08:08

I'm mean are the messages suggestive of an affair rather than a friendship?

They both grieve for the same person so it doesn't seem that unlikely they'd want to be in contact.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 22-Sep-17 15:59:33

What exactly is so threatening about this woman? What is the problem with them just being friends?

Quartz2208 Fri 22-Sep-17 16:02:46

Perhaps she keeps in contact as a way of keeping her brother alive

Really it depends if there has been any suggestion of an affair but if it is two people communicating due to grief I think you are unreasonable and overreacting

stitchglitched Fri 22-Sep-17 16:09:40

Did you really tell them they had no need to be in touch anymore, because their friend/ brother was dead?! Unless the messages are inappropriate in their content or indicative of an affair then you are being really unreasonable, and unkind too.

splendidisolation Fri 22-Sep-17 16:15:55

"which suggested that there was some kind of relationship still going on"

Like what?

Lovemusic33 Fri 22-Sep-17 16:26:47

Just because her brother/his friend has past that doesn't mean they should no longer have contact. I don't think there's anything going on, as someone else said 'she probably sees it as a connection to her brother'. I still talk to my friends brother even though my friend is no longer a friend, i had a very close relationship to both of them and we still stay in contact via text and Facebook, doesn't mean I am in a relationship with him.

SandyY2K Fri 22-Sep-17 16:39:06

I don't see why they can't be friends, just because her brother passed away.

You sound to controlling. If you aren't worried about an affair what's your problem?

Migraleve Fri 22-Sep-17 16:47:00

Omg you told him he can't talk to his dead freinds sister confused

Marygoround17 Fri 22-Sep-17 16:51:35

Ok am talking nearly six months of communicating via tel calls and texts every day. More than three calls and sending at least five texts msgs a day! Would you call that just friendly communication? I don't think so!

Moanyoldcow Fri 22-Sep-17 16:53:29

It depends on the messages - nothing you've posted suggests they're are anything other than grieving friends. What do the messages say?

If it's just the fact of the communication then you seem very controlling.

Is there backstory? What are you actually worried about?

Moanyoldcow Fri 22-Sep-17 16:53:59

And how long has your DH's friend been dead for?

TheRealBiscuitAddict Fri 22-Sep-17 16:55:21

You told your dh and his friend's sister that as the friend was dead they should no longer contact each other. shock shock shock your dh should ltb.

WombOfOnesOwn Fri 22-Sep-17 16:58:29

Wait, wait, three phone calls PER DAY? More than a little excessive, I'd say.

Marygoround17 Fri 22-Sep-17 18:36:50

Dh's friend has been dead for more than 15 yrs. And yes there is a back story to answer your question Moanyoldcow. This back dates before we got married. The night before we had gone out to a party and B was there with his brother of course when he was still alife. DH was driving and gave everyone a lift back home. I was dropped off first. The following day l paid my GH then boyfriend a suprise visit only to find B there. She had spent the night with my BF. Boy was l made. I should have fired DH then! But l was a young lady in love and still am. Yes l have beef with B!
WombofOnesOwn - l think you are seeing it from my point of view.

Moanyoldcow Fri 22-Sep-17 19:11:18

Spent the night as I'm had sex? Or stayed over as a friend?

Re-reading I would agree that if he's calling 3 times a day and texting too it's odd and I wouldn't like it.

The thing is he's shown he's not willing to give her up. So what are you going to do?

Gazelda Fri 22-Sep-17 19:15:22

OP, do you think they slept together that night?
Do,you think they’ve had or are having an affair?
Are the messages and calls sexual or flirty? Or are they the same as any other friendship?
My instinct is that you’re being unfair and that you shouldn’t stop your DH from contacting his friend (she’s his friend, not his dead friend’s sister). But then the frequency and number of texts and calls and messages between them does sound as though there could be more to this.

Oakleygirl Fri 22-Sep-17 19:26:37

I've been in a similar situation in the past with an ex. At the time my point was that him texting and calling another woman frequently (and often late at night) was making me feel uncomfortable and compromising our relationship, so therefore he should stop. He didn't and we split up/got back together several times. The texting eventually fizzled out on it's own, but the memories of how he was about it (along with a lot more problems obvs) was part of the reason we are no longer together.

Marygoround17 Fri 22-Sep-17 20:38:44

I think they slept together even though they both denied it. I guess l will never know! Am still tempted to show him/ask about B's text msg and hear what he has to say this time. As far as am concerned he was supposed to have block off her mobile no. What would you do if you were in my shoe?

SparklingRaspberry Fri 22-Sep-17 20:45:24

I don't even call my partner 3 times a day let alone anyone else

Sorry OP I think there's something going on. I'm not saying they're having an affair but they're certainly crossing boundaries. They DO NOT need to be speaking that much!!! Nobody does. I'd get pissed off if any of my friends were calling me 3 times a day and constantly texting me for no reason confused

If I was in your shoe I'd give him an ultimatum. But at the same time you shouldn't have to. He knows their excessive contact upsets you yet he continues.

OlennasWimple Fri 22-Sep-17 20:56:09

You have been carrying around this resentment of B for 15 years. It's not healthy. The time to take a stand about him seeing her was back then when you suspected that they had slept together.

And saying that because his friend / her brother has died so they have no reason to be in touch with each other is somewhere between crass and cruel

Autumnskiesarelovely Fri 22-Sep-17 21:00:50

There does seem to be an intensity that is unhealthy. I'd say once a month is the limit! If there's any potential attraction.

I wouldn't ban it completely. But a healthy relationship needs boundaries. I learnt that after my DP cheated on me!

Marygoround17 Fri 22-Sep-17 21:40:01

Should l forgot about the current text msg from B or should l ask if he
Responded to the text. I just want closure. But am afraid what his reaction would be. Am not sure am ready for another emotional rollercoaster.

Thinkingofausername1 Fri 22-Sep-17 21:41:58

I think it sounds like they've possibly had an emotional affair?

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