Is he a serial cheat?

[confusedmama11]

SO my dp of over 20 years has always been jealous
saying that i 'flirt' with men, and accusing me of cheating.
This has seemed pretty irrational .. I dont believe i am a flirt, and no one else has ever made that accusation, I have not, and would not cheat.
Well, this year I caught him out and it turns he had been in a relationship with another woman for the past 4 years. We are still together , and he has, apparently , ended that relationship.

I can pinpoint when it started as his jealous behavior towards me became much stronger..

One of his excuses for cheating was that he was convinced i was doing it so why shouldnt he?

Now ive been thinking, over the years hes had other phases where he suddenly. and irrationally became very jealous, so im thinking, has he cheated before?
he denies it.. But when he confessed to this affair he only confessed to a one night stand.. not a relationship spanning four years
it wasnt until i confronted her (family 'friend') that the truth came out. so i dont feel I can rely on his honesty (which has been a huge shock, i had no idea he was capable of this).

This is really weighing on my mind, and I feel like I want to ask around, and see if anything comes to light..
Should I ? or am I being paranoid now and will it just make things worse?

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

Why are you still with him? He cheats and he's horrible towards you.

[confusedmama11]

because I didnt want to make a decision until i have had time to process whats happened... Hes been my only long term relationship, and we have a complicated family situation.

[OutToGetYou]

Don't ask around, just leave him.

[seasidesally]

my bet is he has cheated on/off for as long as you have been together

op will stay,that is pretty clear

she has put up with verbal abuse for 20yrs cant see much changing

[MyKingdomForBrie]

You could ask around, but I think you already know. This man is not your friend, let alone your partner. You deserve better.

[CoyoteCafe]

I think there is a good chance he has had other affairs. He sounds controlling in addition to being a philander.

Anything else? Emotional abuse? Isolating you? Every c.?

[Brahms3rdracket]

Four years of deceit is surely impossible to overcome. I could envisage getting past a ONS, possibly, but that's a horrendous amount of lies, followed by further denial.

I dont say this lightly, but separate OP, he treats you awfully. And yes I would imagine he is a serial cheat

[seasidesally]

so you cant ask him because he lies=well thats your answer really

[numbmum83]

You obviously want to ask around to put off the inevitable. Making excuses in your head when you know the truth ... many of us have been there.

Says he will change but he won't and everytime his behaviour changes you will be convinced he's cheating again . How can you be happy to settle for that ? Waiting til the next time and there WILL be a next time . Maybe not tomorrow or next week but someday once he thinks you're over this , he will Do it again coz he knows he can !

You know this deep down . Get out and find someone you can trust .

Good luck :) after so many years it's bound to be hard for you but I couldn't forgive 4 YEARS !!! It's not a mistake , or even an affair that's a full blown relationship .

[MinorRSole]

He's been with whoever he wanted whenever he wanted and he won't stop now. You forgave a 4 year affair and he's only admitted to things once you already know them anyway.

I couldn't live like that, the question is can you?

Book yourself in for std tests and then question whether you want to be with someone who makes that necessary

[Adora10]

Irrational behaviour towards you with regards to cheating is his own projection of his own behaviour.

I have no idea why you are accepting such shit treatment from a man that has no doubt cheated on you throughout; find your self respect and kick him out, you talk like you feel lucky to still have him and I doubt very much that he has ended it.

Surely no man is better than this creep.

[confusedmama11]

i dont really know why ive stayed with him... Weve had a lot of very hard times since weve been together.. so weve been through a lot, plus hes the father of my children, so i cant just cut him off.
but I do feel like I want to know the truth about whats happened...
I feel like a total fool, that he could have got away with it for so long..
Shes not some one i would ever ever have suspected he would be sleeping with, so i thought nothing of the amount of time he was spending with her...which i guess he used to his advantage.

if there has been others then that would sway me to ending it, as i could nevr trust hi again, he also knows that if he ever accuses me of infidelity agin then i'll be gone, because im not putting up with that.
i have std tests booked.

[seasidesally]

op deep down i think you know the truth sadly

[seasidesally]

if there has been others then that would sway me to ending it,

is not cheating with a friend for 4yrs not enough,sadly i dont think you will leave regardless of there possibly being more,its very sad you feel like he is your everything,you deserve much better

[Adora10]

Jesus, your bar is as low as it could be, a full on 4 year relationship but if there's you'll end it, the guy has it made.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Wow - why is your bar so low?
4 years!
4 FUCKING YEARS he's been screwing another woman behind your back.
Let me just repeat that FOUR YEARS
I don't know what more you need for you to end this charade!
God it's depressing.

[SandyY2K]

4 years. That's more than I could or would forgive.

Sadly I suspect he's cheated for the majority of the relationship.

[confusedmama11]

I know I know, and if a friend was in my position i would certainly tell them to leave.. But hes been my one and only, i thought our relationship was forever.. I cant imagine being without him.. and im so tired. and it seems like such a big and exhausting thing to separate...
Hes working away at the moment.. and the OW loves five mins from my house so i am particularly in turmoil at the moment, as not seeing him in real life so i cant progress through anything.
it would make a difference if there had been other woman, it would mean that it was more then that this particular woman had any significance to him.. and would mean thathe would be more likely to do it again.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

By all means, ask around for your own peace of mind. But you don't need any more information than you have - even if this was the one and only cheating he's done, he's a bully and an emotional abuser. How much have you had to change your behaviour because of all his accusations and strops? I'd leave him for that alone.

But I think your gut is calling this one correctly - he's done it before, several times.

[IceBearRocks]

Working away?

[confusedmama11]

yeah, we agreed we should spend some time apart to think things over and have some space, then he was offered an opportunity to work on the other side of the country, and we decided he should take it, it has gone over the expected time though.

yes , his paranoia over the years has made me question my own behaviour, and whether i could be 'flirting' without intending too, but having analised my own behaviour, and talked to friends about it, i genuinly dont think i have behaved inappropriately. only three other people have been told about his affair, as dont want it to get back to the children ( for now at least)

[shedragon]

Don't do this to yourself. It's as bad as it can be.
He's deceived you for 4 YEARS, all the while bullying you. He will do it again.
Don't hang about. Get out now.

[caringdenise009]

Wow people on here are so lacking in empathy sometimes. It's hard to be cheated on and no, you can't just throw a switch and end a relationship of 20 years. OP when I was in an abusive relationship a good friend gave me the best advice I've ever had. She told me it was ok to know in my head that the relationship wasn't what I wanted, and not to do anything about it straight away. That as long as I held onto that and knew that one day I would be free, it was a start.

You can't stay with this man, can you see that? You deserve better. Even if you only acknowledge it to yourself that's a good start. I know how hard it is, but you can make life better.

[confusedmama11]

it's made more complicated by the fact that i think he has unresolved mental health issues..

i dont want to say too much that would give away identity as i know i have friends/family that use this website..
The person he was in relationship with is old enough to be his mother...
so theres more too it then just lust or ego boosting or whatever other reason people have affairs..

i feel like he is a very messed up person, and whilst he said he would seek help.. hes not showing any signs of doing so...

[seasidesally]

you have been in a relationship for 20yrs and he has done nothing to improve things

please stop making exscuses for him,next he will tell you he is a sex addict,he will tell you anything just so he does not have to face his terrible behaviour towards you

in 20yrs he has not found help because he dosent think he is doing anything wrong