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How can I stop DH passing his anxiety on to DD

(11 Posts)
liquidrevolution Fri 22-Sep-17 10:59:28

Firstly I apologise for very rambling post.

Am away at my parents with DD this weekend. DH is in farming so will be working long hours all weekend, I don't work on Fridays so make the most of visiting my parents with a long weekend every 6-8 weeks. While I was packing the car last night DH was looking after DD3 and all I could hear DH say was 'poor daddy going to miss you, its not fair you are going away but everythings going to be alright, Daddy going to be very sad and lonely, but dont worry Daddy will call you every morning and evening etc etc' honestly it went on and on hmm. Of course by the time we were ready to leave DD was crying she didn't want to go.

This annoyed me a lot as my parents live 4 hours drive away by the seaside and we live 10 mins away from the PILs. Plus DH won't be seeing much of DD this weekend anyhow as the forecast is dry and there is lots to do on the farm. Plus my DPs have a beach hut and its a good place for young kids so DD has a whale of a time.

Basically DH and his siblings all suffer from anxiety. They have a very suffocating DF who needs to be involved in every aspect of their lives and their DM is a very anxious depressed woman and basically at least 2 or 3 times a year asks for emails or texts of devotion from her DC to 'help her be happier'. Its all a bit King Lear confused and I am convinced this has not helped the mental health of her DC and want to protect my DD from this batshit nonsense especially since DH had a breakdown 3 months after DD was born, most likely triggerd by the fact he was no longer the centre of my attention.

Whereas I am from the school of thought that you shouldnt burden children with your worries so even if I have to go to work at weekends I leave with a 'won't this be fun DD?, be good and we can do something special when I get back'.

Has anyone got any advice on how to deal with this? DH sees a counsellor but now only once a year. I am planning on having a chat with DH when I get back and could do with an article or something on how you can pass your anxiety and fears on to DC? Basically any advice welcome!

maras2 Fri 22-Sep-17 12:58:40

Any chance of moving in with your parents permanently?
Future doesn't look too good on the farm. sad

Mamabear4180 Fri 22-Sep-17 13:03:04

my BIL is like that. It' awful! Really suffocating for the kids. You can talk to him but by the sound of things it's unlikely you'll get anywhere, after all it's all he's known growing up! No advice but I sympathise

liquidrevolution Fri 22-Sep-17 18:16:45

Thanks for all your advice, plus a lovely PM I have had.

I think we have to look at counselling. Much as I would love to live near my parents I would also like to stay married so he doesnt have DD on her own for long periods he's usually ok if he gets another persons perspective on things.

Have ordered the Toxic Inlaws book thats often recommended.
Maybe I'll leave it lying around next time the MIL visits wink

SandyY2K Fri 22-Sep-17 18:27:13

Counselling once a year is close to pointless.

He needs regular counselling. Tell him what you heard and stand your ground.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 22-Sep-17 18:42:42

He needs regular along with ongoing therapy, seeing a counsellor once a year is inefficient. Why is it only once a year?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Do you envisage your own self spending the rest of your life with this man? I would also tell him what you heard and draw a line in the sand re him.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 22-Sep-17 19:40:12

What he said to your daughter is very sad and very emotionally damaging. Instead of making her feel good about having a nice weekend, he was essentially blaming her for his unhappiness and making her feel guilty for visiting her own family. How terrible. How can a young child possibly deal with that level of manipulation? I hope you said something to him about this. He certainly is carrying on the family tradition.

Wolfiefan Fri 22-Sep-17 19:42:54

He needs to ensure that the words he says to her are what she needs to hear rather than what he needs to get off his chest. It's about being selfless rather than selfish.
He also needs proper treatment for his anxiety. He needs strategies to use on a daily basis. Counselling once a year is bugger all use to anyone.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme Fri 22-Sep-17 19:46:56

He needs to be told what he said and how he made her upset is not on.

Mumof41987 Sun 24-Sep-17 08:40:56

Must be all farmers parents ! My dh is his parents scapegoat where as his brother is the apple of his mothers eyes ! His mother is an evil bitch and if she is anything like my mil then she won't listen to a word you say . The farm comes first is all I hear from mil . She is money obsessed and believe s everyone is out to take her precious farm and money . No one is good enough for her boys and she still treats them like babies despite them being in their 40s . It's ridiculous and I feel for you ! My dh is working daft hours on the combine at the moment so is rarely home

Hassled Sun 24-Sep-17 08:47:41

I think you need to call him on it there and then - so he's wittering on about how lonely and sad he'll be, you interrupt and say "No, you'll be really busy on the farm and I'm sure you'll be glad DD's having such fun on the beach" and then off you go. Reduce all opportunities he may get to bring your DD down with his misery and contradict him.
And yes, counselling once a year is pointless. Therapy for anxiety can be very effective (I've had some) but you have to commit.

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