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Resentment is ruining my relationship

(8 Posts)
BabyTV1 Fri 22-Sep-17 08:44:05

Nc for this but long time poster.

I am being eaten up with resentment and I just don't know how to move on. Any advice really appreciated.

In early days of my relationship with DP he drank too much, we socialised a lot in the pub etc. I got pregnant and stopped drinking, he still liked a few pints. He was pretty miserable at points during my pregnancy, admittedly I was a complete hormonal witch at times and completely unreasonable. He would go off to the pub, come back drunk, and on 3 occasions was a complete arse, smashed a vase / made me cry / was a twat.

Dd now a year old and things are mostly great, he doesn't really drink, is a great dad, life is generally good.

Except that when he does have a few drinks at a social do, with his mates or whatever, I absolutely hate him and wish he would die. Really, that's how strong my feelings are about him.

I just can't let go of the resentment I feel towards him, how miserable and lonely I felt when pg, all this hatred and rage just comes to the surface.

How the hell do I move on from this? It's totally unreasonable for me to ask him to stop drinking, as it isn't really a problem, it's my feelings that are. How do I stop with the hate and move on?

Apileofballyhoo Fri 22-Sep-17 19:03:54

How were those episodes resolved, OP?

BabyTV1 Fri 22-Sep-17 20:00:30

Apile mostly by me kicking him out for a few days, him apologising and coming back....mostly due to me being pregnant and feeling like the sensible option was to take him back and make it work, probably adding to my resentment of the whole thing.

Apileofballyhoo Fri 22-Sep-17 20:10:32

Sounds like you didn't really want to take him back. And when you took him back the second time I suppose he took it as license. I would imagine when he goes out now you are on high alert.

I'm not surprised you are still angry, his behaviour sounds atrocious. I get very angry too and I think it's because I feel like the gravity of the behaviour isn't taken seriously by the other person, so my feelings are dismissed and I don't see the genuine remorse or effort to make it up to me. So similar but not as bad behaviour can be a trigger. Or anything that is just a bit annoying. If I see genuine efforts to make it up to me/take it seriously I don't get the rage.

You make it sound like everything is close to perfect now, apart from your resentment, but I wonder is it.

BabyTV1 Fri 22-Sep-17 22:18:26

Thank you for understanding, it's so bloody hard because I look absolutely crazy getting so angry abut him having a few pints, and no one IRL seems to understand that my feelings stem much deeper. I'm sorry that you experience the same thing too!
Our life is so far from perfect, but I accept that life with a young baby is sort of surviving day by day, which we muddle along fine with. If I stopped to think about the bigger picture for too long I'd be quite sad.

Huldas Fri 22-Sep-17 23:50:35

OP I have the same issue from events 10 years ago, when my first DC was born and my dad died. Dh was an unbelievable dick and while he is great now I still have mega resentment. Someone on mumsnet the other day said a great thing, that sometimes a one off is so big that it actually can end things. I can't decide if I saw then who dh truly is, or if he was just immature and has grown since then. Suspect you face a similar scenario. It definitely damaged our relationship and I don't know if I will ever recover from it.

squaresandsquares Sat 23-Sep-17 00:21:34

My Ex did that. I never got over it. That's why he's an ex.
I just felt he was unlovable, unkind, and not a man I could be with. Took me two DCs though and 4.5 years.
Sooooooo glad we are over.

abigailgabble Sat 23-Sep-17 01:14:23

@BabyTV1 so much sameness in this house

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