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Should I move on to an older model or just give up?

(17 Posts)
upaladderagain Fri 22-Sep-17 02:18:40

I'm mid-69s, dh mid-50s, been together 30+ happy years. But the last few months I've not been happy.
Post-menopause my libido has dropped off a cliff, so I went back on HRT 3 years after finishing the standard 5 year course, but frankly I'm feeling old and sad.
Started to tell dh this. I got a couple of sentences in and he started talking about how badly affected he was. He went on for about 20 minutes, saying he understood how I felt, but he was feeling very low, neglected, lack of intimacy etc.
At the end of this lecture his conclusion was that if I lost a stone or two, gave up the wine and serviced him sexually twice a week everything would be perfect again.
The servicing I would have to initiate as he wouldn't want to feel like a sex pest!
Honestly I'm just so tired of trying to keep up.

upaladderagain Fri 22-Sep-17 02:19:24

Damn- mid 60s not 69s! That's part of the problem!!

Aquamarine1029 Fri 22-Sep-17 02:47:57

It's good that your husband talked to you about how he feels. I can understand the comments he made about your sexual relations - he desires you but he also doesn't want to pester you, which is a good thing as he's not hounding you and he clearly respects you. But I do think it's reasonable for him to want more frequent intimacy. It is also reasonable that you don't currently feel up to it. You two are in different places, but the fact that you're openly communicating is excellent.

As for what your husband mentioned, do you think he has a point about you losing weight and cutting back on alcohol? Both of this issues can wreck havoc on your libido and your overall well-being. Also, more importantly, if you are overweight, this is putting your health at risk, which is obviously the most important thing. How do you feel about this? From what you've written, your husband sounds like a good man, and you've had many, many happy years together.

Flossy1978 Fri 22-Sep-17 02:49:21

What a jerk.

Serviced him? And what's he offering to do for you?

I couldn't stay with a person like him, sorry.

Buggeritimgettingup Fri 22-Sep-17 06:02:36

So if you just change your appearance, personality and diet you'll be perfect........fuck that for a game of soldiers

KarmaNoMore Fri 22-Sep-17 06:12:34

Well, it is true that he cannot expect her to change diet, personality and appearance but he is also entitled to leave if he feels neglected, resenting the lack of intimacy and no sex.

Time to find the middle ground or realise this relationship is coming to an end and it will if neither of you is prepared to make amendments.

MiniTheMinx Fri 22-Sep-17 06:50:19

I think it would be very sad to throw away a relationship that has been happy for 30 plus years.

As for weight and wine, I'd say ditch them first not your husband. Do you need wine? How much do you drink? Would you have been happy for 30 plus years hugging a wine bottle? Weight, well if you are over weight this is bad for your wellbeing, and it can negatively effect self-esteem. I'm not certain I would feel like a sexual being if I lacked self-esteem.

He clearly still desires you after 30 years. Not many women can lay claim to that. And, I think that real love is different to settling. The settlers grow bored of each other. If a man really loves you he will adore you when you are 60, just as he did when you were 30, and he will still seek out intimacy with you. And his happiness will depend on that intimacy.

I think relationships are something you work at, but you have also to work on yourself. One cannot work on either in isolation, the two are closely linked. If both parties truly love each other then both parties will actively want to be the best person they can be. They will strive to make themselves better people, and worthy of their partner. What they won't do is become a doormat, or change themselves just to keep someone happy because of threats. But it will be an unspoken, unwritten motivation and pact to care for each other and in so doing care of the self.

Talk to him.

Laska5772 Fri 22-Sep-17 06:50:22

I know exactly what you mean OP. Libido dropping of a cliff after memopause still seems to be one of the great unsaids. I have posted about it before and got lots of people telling me that my experience was unusual and they felt totally the opposite. I think the only way is talking and trying to make some (joint )effort at intimacy but st your pace not his. It sounds like at the moment your husband is making it about him. Losing weight and giving up wine has to be because you want to ( i wouldnt do that and my dh would not expect that of me ) so despite not 'pestering' he needs to realise that he is being unreasonable and making himself even more unattractive to you by demanding that.
I do now make 'efforts' to initiate because my dh was becoming very sad and so was I, but not on a regular basis and only when i want to/ remember to do so.
Yes not romantic but Its a pragmatic decision that im comfortable with and we are now more affectionate in everyday ways i find ( i had drawn away from all that as was always worried he would want sex). If i stop being comfortable doing this I wont any more and we will have to rethink Its important to keep talking .

My Dh bnow realises its just not the same or is going to be the same .We are getting older! He knows he has he choice to move on if he wants but so far he has chosen me and our life together.

I hope you can talk to your DH more .He needs to listen to what you are saying

Tameagobairanois Fri 22-Sep-17 06:54:13

Is it laziness preventing him leaving? I mean, is it loyalty to you that makes him stay, 30 years of history that makes him stay for now, with conditions, and suggestions or.......... will he be worse off financially, is he not in the peak of physical fitness himself etc...

Sometimes being alone is more peaceful.

picklemepopcorn Fri 22-Sep-17 07:00:08

Op didn't get to talk about how she feels- he took over. Communication is two ways!

You must feel really put out, having tried to work something out together and then just getting told what to do to make him happy.

Try again, perhaps reminding him to really listen this time. Maybe he was really pleased you brought it up because he had been too afraid to. That doesn't mean you shouldn't get your say now.

What about focussing on the other bits of your relationship, going for walks, cinema, theatre, out for a meal, day trips etc. Couple stuff. Maybe dance classes, or a sport you could do together.

Try reconnecting that way, and see how you feel. Have you had a check up at the gp? You may be a bit low on vitamin D or thyroid or something like that.

Laska5772 Fri 22-Sep-17 07:14:38

I also said to him that i did not expect hin to lead a life without sex. But he had to realise that i was not going to force myself to have sex either. It had to be a joint thing and we also had to make an effort at non sexual intimacy if he wanted me to actually feel it was a good idea given that my libido just isnt there. (although i have discovered everything inc orgasm still works!)

He had a choice and he does seem to have listened and i think we are closer. One thing i dont do though is think too hard about who he talks to or looks at on internet etc. He can have aprivate life. I do trust him not to do anything crazy or fck us up in that way. Again pragmatic i dont agree with this stuff but he has his own pc i dont look.
We have no children here to worry about and the rule is if there is anyone else he has to tell me and id make a decision based on that.( but thats always been the rule) . Its not something that many people here may agree with but ive always said this to dh right from start of relationship (after ifirst philandering husband)and its agreed.

Laska5772 Fri 22-Sep-17 07:22:01

Btw it took a ' crisis' conversarion and us both getting v upset for us to start talking about it at all and its an ongoing conversation .but we can talk easier about it now. ( but me ' remembering' to try and initiate sex every week or so does help!!)

Quartz2208 Fri 22-Sep-17 07:32:55

Does he always take over and make it about him

Shoxfordian Fri 22-Sep-17 07:42:07

Maybe if he was more understanding then you might be more inclined to have sex with him

He's not reasonable, making it all about him and not listening to you. Is he usually like this?

SensitiveOldAgeGuy Fri 22-Sep-17 13:59:28

He's not reasonable, making it all about him

Do you realize by saying that, you have forfieted your right to say
"What about my needs" ever, in your life?

Ttbb Fri 22-Sep-17 14:01:37

Does her always make everything about himself?

upaladderagain Fri 22-Sep-17 17:45:32

Thank you for your food for thought esp Laska and Mini.
I think it was the fact that I didn't get to say my piece without it suddenly being all about him and his sexual frustration.
I shall give up the wine, which I was using as a tool to avoid him, but the weight I'm not sure about. I lost a stone a couple of years ago (back on now) but it had no effect on how I felt.
Back soon - bad timing, sorry!

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