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Do I have to mind my own business about this affair?

(14 Posts)
ElizabethDarcey Thu 21-Sep-17 22:45:55

My friend is having an affair. She's told quite a few of her friends. She has 4 children under the age of 10, youngest 2 are preschool. Husband has no idea. It's been going on for a year and they've been on holiday together as well as shags at both of their houses several times a week.

Affair partner also married with three children. I've never met him but I've been to a seminar conducted by him and he gave me the utter creeps (I knew by then so maybe it was that). He claims the marriage has been over for years, married young, never should have got married, wife is a bit crazy, wife practically knows and is turning a blind eye, separate rooms, staying together for the kids, kids would be devastated and he can't do that to them, is waiting for the right time, ... yep - the whole script!) His wife has lots of family money and he doesn't. Friend's husband earns lots of money and she doesn't.

I have never met my friend's husband, nor do I know the affair guy, nor do I know his wife. I've distanced myself from the friend as I think she's shockingly selfish as she openly admits to staying with her husband for the money. The nanny he pays for looks after the kids while she goes screwing around. That's all I can do, isn't it? I need to mind my own business? I really fucking HATE knowing something that would devastate 8 people's lives (partners plus kids). I hate it. I sometimes fantasise about sending them an anonymous e-mail just telling them to check their partner's phones or something - get the ball rolling - but then what do I achieve? Deep unhappiness for a large number of people, none of whom are really anything to do with me?

Either way it's just dreadful. sad

Autumnskiesarelovely Thu 21-Sep-17 22:55:53

This is a horrible situation. It makes others part of the deception too, which is worse. Personally I'd always rather know, no matter who told me.

dontbeastranger Thu 21-Sep-17 23:38:18

Personally as hard as it is, stay out of it.

She will slip up sooner or later

TatianaLarina Thu 21-Sep-17 23:41:31

I couldn't stay friends with a person who behaved like this.

ElizabethDarcey Thu 21-Sep-17 23:55:56

No, I think the friendship is dead. I am shocked by who she has become. A big part of me thinks she is getting very manipulated by this OM (he instigated things and she really believes all his bullshit about 'Oh we have to go away on holiday together for the kids, as his wife pays for a 3 week holiday in Oz for them all) but I can't ignore the fact that she's making some truly horrendous choices. I won't even go into all the details of stuff that I know as it's too upsetting. The other day I looked his wife up online (morbid, horrible curiosity, with thoughts of contacting her - the poor woman) and her social media is all pics of her and her lovely family, she's just oblivious that he's out there shagging another woman and telling her his life is a lie. sad

mogulfield Thu 21-Sep-17 23:58:18

If it was a friend I'd tell them, but you don't know these people well enough. It is hard though, I know of infidelity and see the injured party occasionally. I really want them to know.

Ilovetolurk Fri 22-Sep-17 06:11:51

You sound over invested for someone who only knows one party out of the four of them

Fantasising about getting involved is just bizarre

If the friendship is dead why not just move along?

MaisyPops Fri 22-Sep-17 06:18:19

It's a rubbish situation, but unless you are close friends I would keep well out of it.

Gorgosparta Fri 22-Sep-17 06:21:39

I would keep out of it, but distance myself.

It would be different if you knew anyone else involved.

Charolais Fri 22-Sep-17 06:59:56

"I really fucking HATE knowing something that would devastate 8 people's lives" Their lives would be devastated if you tell them.

bakingaddict Fri 22-Sep-17 07:08:32

It's not your place to tell anyone it will unravel anyway as one of the cheating parties will inevitably be careless and get found out. If you feel like you do then just walk away from the friendship

Notears Fri 22-Sep-17 07:12:15

If you've never even met her husband you can't be that close friends and you don't owe him any loyalty. I would leave them all be, sad as it is.

Bamboofordinneragain Fri 22-Sep-17 07:13:55

Please don't say anything. If she has told several people it will come out anyway.
Baffling that somebody with four young children has TIME for this kind of stuff...

JWrecks Fri 22-Sep-17 07:51:00

Oooohhhh, oh goodness. I don't envy you! I'd hate knowing all that as well!

Would you ever consider sending any of the affected parties an anonymous letter, or anything like that? I don't know what more you could even do. Or do you just want to remain completely uninvolved in the whole mess? I'd be really torn, I think, knowing all of that horrible stuff is going on that nobody deserves, but then never even having met any of the other parties, who have no reason to believe a complete stranger over their partners, knowing how many lives would be disrupted. sad And all those poor children involved.

That's such an awful situation to be in. I feel for you.

The fact she's doing it in their own marital home, honestly probably in the bed she shares with her husband and father of her children, is grim. When her poor husband finds out, he'll be worse than gutted - that is, if he doesn't already know. If it's been going on that long and they're as reckless about it as it sounds, then surely he must at least suspect.

What I want really to know, though, is how on earth a married mum of 4 young children gets away on holiday at all with the OM!? How the hell did she manage that?

She sounds hideously selfish, and I can't imagine she's a very good friend. Definitely keep your distance and don't let her in. Good luck. This is no fun. sad

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