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Friends took sides with my ex.....devastated

(147 Posts)
3539jaj Thu 21-Sep-17 21:19:06

In a nutshell I had an affair and my husband and me split.

Amongst all this my closest friends
admittedly found it hard as they socialised with my ex and me...

Basically I found the whole thing hugely stressful as you do (never once denying it wasn't of my doing) and possibly I was acting a little out of character looking back....

However these friends very unexpectedly were not really there for me. They still see my ex and have been horrible to me to others and it has hurt me unbelievably. I have had counselling but it still plays on my mind a lot.

My "friends" feel hurt by me?! And keep playing the victim. They are manipulating people at work.

My one friend and I were almost
Reconciling then I think the other
Was jealous
And therefore shit stirred and causes so much pain to the other (for selfish gain I can only assume)

Everyone else has stayed out of this mess but they haven't.
It's all my fault blah blah blah (which i have never denied) but they can't seem to move on. It's just weird and is horrid for our other colleagues )who are like "it's ur life etc....."

My heart was broken by it but finally coming to terms with the loss of them. It was so unnecessary of them to get involved and make
Things much harder for me. When I've said that all
I get is "it's not all about you" which i know. They just don't get the point that they should have stayed out and just been a friend to me through a pants time.

Doesn't help as well that my ex has manipulated them to hurt me as I hurt him.

Has anyone had the loss of close friends during a bad break up?? And how did u cope. I feel it's similar
To grief.....

I miss them but now feel pity also now.....felt like posting this

TwitterQueen1 Thu 21-Sep-17 21:25:32

Your post is very muddled OP. I have to ask if you've been drinking? I'm not sure what you expect tbh. You had an affair, you said it was your fault, you said your friends were mutual. But then you say it was much harder for you, they should have stayed out of it....

You're obviously having difficult coping with this but I think you need to take responsibility, stop blaming everyone else and try to move on with your life.

Notears Thu 21-Sep-17 21:31:30

I find people don't generally approve when someone has an affair.

Redhead17 Thu 21-Sep-17 21:33:20

I find even when you're being accused and the whole truth isn't being told people will side with the one who is possibly exaggerating and being a tool.

However fuck them and move on, people who thought were my friends stabbed me in the back I don't have time for them now.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 21-Sep-17 21:33:46

I'm sorry you're so hurt. That said... I'm not trying to be cruel, just factual and matter-of-fact. When someone has an affair and it is found out, there is always a huge amount of collateral damage that comes along with it. Mainly, friends take sides, and they often take the side of the person who was cheated on. I've seen this happen several times, even amongst people who were friends for years and years. Your actions have consequences. You lost your husband and your friends. Are you really that surprised?

3539jaj Thu 21-Sep-17 21:36:55

To clarify no I am not drunk.its just hard to explain - it's complicated.

I have moved on, it's them that haven't and still have issues.
No one else does.

I did take responsibility all the way through.

That's not what I am trying to say.....just finding it sooo hard that my 2 best friends (I mean best in the whole world) weren't even there impartially for me too and are still being vile now...long time
down the line.

I suspect my ex is pulling some

Why can't they move on? No one else has major issues......

littlecabbages Thu 21-Sep-17 21:38:24

When you were having your affair were you also lying to them?

3539jaj Thu 21-Sep-17 21:40:53

No I told them straight away

The one I was more
Apprehensive of
Telling as
She has been hurt (been cheated on) but the other has been having an affair with a
Married man for 3 years so hopes she wouldn't be too judgy

Aquamarine1029 Thu 21-Sep-17 21:42:00

Perhaps your two best friends came to the conclusion that you aren't who they thought you were.

3539jaj Thu 21-Sep-17 21:44:06

Possibly but I don't judge them for their sometimes bad life choices

To me a friend is a friend no matter what

3539jaj Thu 21-Sep-17 21:46:38

I think I was more sad losing them than my marriage

That's how much they meant to me

My other Best friends can't believe them at all. I am blessed
To have many others but I truly miss these two

BaconAndBees Thu 21-Sep-17 21:52:55


littleredpear Thu 21-Sep-17 21:53:44

If you were a close friend of mine and cheated on your husband, I'd walk too.

I've seen and been subject to the utter devastation an affair causes. I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

Perhaps they are not sad about losing someone who behaved like you?

3539jaj Thu 21-Sep-17 21:58:51

People make mistakes.....just because u don't like it doesn't mean you stop being their friend....mane they don't like stuff you do

Otherwise what is the point in being a friend? You can disapprove without cutting someone off?

Of course it can be devastation but people aren't murderers?

Seems a bit harsh?

WhoWants2Know Thu 21-Sep-17 21:59:27

I can see how it's upsetting to lose friends over life choices that they disapprove, especially best friends.

You know the saying, "Friends help you move, Real friends help you move bodies."

I'd like to think that I'd still be there for my best friends, even if they do something stupid or make a bad choice. I'm nowhere near perfect myself. But if your friends can't accept you as you are, then it's time for different friends.

BaconAndBees Thu 21-Sep-17 22:01:10

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

3539jaj Thu 21-Sep-17 22:01:59

I know I did wrong (even though I'm with the man I left
My husband for) and happy

I absolutely agree surely a bad choice shouldn't scrap a what I thought was an important friendship ?

I don't judge, maybe I am naive to think others are like me?

HackAttack Thu 21-Sep-17 22:02:51

I wouldn't remain friends with someone who did this. They don't respect people's feelings, are willing to lie and untrustworthy.

3539jaj Thu 21-Sep-17 22:04:02


Thanks but no I am not. Just a regular woman who could have done things better !

user1468353179 Thu 21-Sep-17 22:05:38

My daughter's husband had an affair with her close friend. My daughter left him, divorced him and he lives their old life with a new partner that all their old friends now accept. My daughter has no contact with any of them.

ZaphodBeeblerox Thu 21-Sep-17 22:06:25

Sorry OP, hard to work up sympathy for someone who had an affair. Either your so called friends are genuinely shocked and outraged by your behaviour so have sided with your ex. Or they never liked you that much to begin with and this is an easy stick to beat you with till kingdom come. Either way, get rid. For your own peace of mind.
I'd find it hard to condone cheating by a friend tbh. And if I was equally friendly with both parts of a couple I'd probably side with the person who was cheated on.

DamsonGin Thu 21-Sep-17 22:06:55

It's very hard to be impartial as a friend when a couple split because one fucks the other one over. An affair can be devastating, maybe you're underestimating the impact your affair had and maybe your friends just don't like you for it.

Mum2jenny Thu 21-Sep-17 22:10:28

If you've had an affair and cheated on your husband, I can see why mutual friends will be siding with your husband. I would.

you cheated, not him, your problem, no sympathy at all

CrochetBelle Thu 21-Sep-17 22:10:42

To me a friend is a friend no matter what

Y'know, I'm sure some people think that way about a spouse...

Standingcat Thu 21-Sep-17 22:11:08

One of my close friends is having or had an affair (can't trust anything the says so can't believe that it's over) with a work colleague. Hand on heart I would support her DH if they broke up

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