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Emotional wreck scared of a conversation I must have with exh

(11 Posts)
Minime85 Thu 21-Sep-17 20:19:35

A bit of context: exh and I separated in 2013. He left. Eldest was 8 youngest 6. I suspected affair. He denies. He now lives with woman I suspected affair and her children. I have a new partner too.

The issue is my eldest daughter who is now 12. She doesn't want to go to their house. She can't stay over night in week due to school yet her younger sister does, different schools. This has caused a distancing in their relationship. Eldest does not get along with his new partner or the two girls who live there very well. She is not a confident or social child. Youngest is socialable and laps up the older girls attention. This isolates my daughter even more.

I have tried to raise this with exh before and be her 'voice' and he just can't see the issue. He blames her. He blames me. He never sees that there is something he can do. Things have now come to a head as her school are now involved and she has told her teacher. They have suggested she sit with her dad and tell him how she feels. I know this needs to happen. She doesn't want to do this without me.

I need to tell him that we need to talk. I know I will get the blame as will she. I need to reduce the amount of time my youngest goes their on her own to try and help mend the sister relationship. Whilst not letting her miss out on seeing her dad and enjoying the life there.

I have no one really to talk to who has any experience of anything like this. I feel like an emotional wreck, having a teenager is hard enough. I don't know who to turn to or what to do. Please if anyone has any advice I'd be grateful

donners312 Thu 21-Sep-17 20:44:45

Does it have to be face to face? Just send him an email, and say that your DD needs a break etc.

If you want to try to keep a relationship between DD and her father going could he take her out for lunch once a week or something that she would agree to?

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 21-Sep-17 20:46:42

I have a daughter like yours. If he can't get it, all you can do is to tell him both verbally and in writing and wait for him to get it.

flowers

Minime85 Thu 21-Sep-17 20:55:24

I asked her if she wanted to do it by letter and she doesn't. I have been saying all these thins to him for well over 6 months and he just doesn't listen. I hope when I say the school are now involved he will see beyond his view of me.

It makes me so sad that he seems embarrassed of her and prefers someone else's children to his own daughter. And this just further drives a wedge between my children as sisters and he is too blinkered to see it.

He had me sobbing uncontrollably last Friday all stemming from me asking to do collection half way instead of me doing an hour round trip. The things he accused me of from that. I can't face another night like that.

mummymummums Thu 21-Sep-17 21:02:45

Find a child trained family mediator - they can facilitate discussion and be a go between.
Resolution website is a good place to look .

thethoughtfox Sat 23-Sep-17 09:35:02

Could you ask to do it at the school with her teacher / counsellor there seeing as she raised it there?

endofthelinefinally Sat 23-Sep-17 09:39:12

Why are you doing the travelling at all?
He sounds like an abusive bully tbh.
I agree that a trained family counsellor or therapist would be helpful.
Could the school refer you?

Ellisandra Sat 23-Sep-17 09:42:02

Absolutely only do it with a trained family counsellor.
flowers

Hissy Sat 23-Sep-17 09:48:52

I think you and your dd need more support and help.

He sounds awful.

He moved, let him do the travelling

Don’t allow him the space to say anything to you.

Hang up, block him for a while

Better yet, get a new number and a cheap mobile just for him. Make sure all conversations are in text or on email.

Your dd doesn’t want to stay there, that’s fine. She doesn’t have to.

Is the younger sister somehow engineering more time and edging her sister out? Is that why you want to reduce her time with her dad? Forgive me if I have that wrong

By the looks of it you have all been in a deeply disfunctional relationship with this man and are all looking for some kind of approval

Your eldest dd needs to know that you back her 100%

She can say what she wants and doesn’t want. I’d ask for support from the school first and foremost and ask if they can suggest support services

I think your dd request about a face to face with her Dad and you in the mix too is unreasonable though. Perhaps she wants to do this so her dad can see it’s not you making things up, but the toll it’s going to take on you and her is too great.

inkydinky Sat 23-Sep-17 10:02:56

Yes absolutely involve a counsellor/mediator. I am in almost the exact same situation, spookily so, and spent a year trying to talk to my ex who just did not listen and thought I was being bitter. When my daughter tried to speak, he thought I'd put the words in her mouth. He only listened when school got involved. They rang him without me knowing and he had to listen to that.

Like your ex, mine sees my DD not fitting in to the new set up as her failure, and that it's her that needs to change. He has also suggested that the youngest DD visits without her. I have refused this because I fear exactly what has happened with your two.

Mediation for us was a great way of speaking without tempers being frayed and she was an excellent voice for my child which was the most important bit.

Good luck OP flowers

Minime85 Sat 23-Sep-17 13:32:00

Thank you for all your replies. It all came to a head on Thursday night as I asked if we could meet for a chat over things and he phoned to ask what it was about etc.

So we were on the phone for over an hour and a half. It started horrendously and I was so scared. He did the same thing of well let me jut stop you there and tell you my side of it. He said I was just believing the views of a 12yr old.

Yet I'd started out saying I know what she can be like typical teenager exaggeration etc etc but that if this is how she saw her relationship there then something had to change.

There was some headway made. When I told him I thought he didn't like his own daughter, which is genuinely how I feel, he was completely taken aback. He then seemed to hear me a little more.

I will look into mediators around our area. He is coming here on Sunday so chat with her.

Youngest daughter is someone who wants to fit in and likes all the attention his new partner's kids give her. She is still the littlest one. Whereas my eldest has gone from that role to middle child and where she isn't allowed to be quirky. Her role as a sister has changed as she feels her little sister doesn't want or need her.

It's all a big mess and making me ill. So goodness knows how my 12 yr old feels.

Thank you again for your supportive words everyone.

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