Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Getting over a huuuuge crush

(14 Posts)
Flippinflipflaps Thu 21-Sep-17 17:19:28

Hi folks. Regular poster but I have made a new profile for this as I am so embarrassed. I hope by writing this down it might make me realise what a twit I am, or perhaps someone can offer me some words of wisdom to snap me out of it.

I am suffering the biggest most overwhelming crush I have ever experienced. I have always had crushes even as a little girl (I used to wait on the wall outside my house in case Shaking Stevens came past). I usually enjoy the fantasy/escapism and it passes within a month or so. This time its different. It’s been going on for about 6 months and is getting worse and I am starting to go bit ‘stalker’.

The object of my affection, let’s call him OOA, is an instructor at a hobby I do. My children partake in the hobby too. It’s a very intense physical hobby. everyone at the club is friendly and close, but it’s a family vibe so I don’t know why I am having such inappropriate feelings.

OOA’s day job is close to my children’s school and my work. He has a very distinctive vehicle, I drive past it several times a day and I crane my neck in case I get a glimpse of him. Sometimes we pass at the traffic lights in the morning and wave. Sometimes he pops along to the classes he does not teach, to say hello or participate. If he is there when I am not expecting him, or if I hear his vehicle arrive my stomach turned somersaults and I feel physically sick.

He is on my mind constantly. We are FB friends, though he is not active on it much, I have also looked him and his wife up on the internet (stalker alert). I daydream about him all day, I have been having vivid dreams at night. At the hobby I find it hard to focus and often end up acting like a buffoon because I feel so embarrassed.

I imagine scenarios where he declares his love for me even though we can never be together. I daren't ever be anywhere near him drunk (just in case) if we were to have a club social I would have to be the driver. I am acting like a 13 year old, not a 45 year old – am I peri-menopausal, could this be the cause of such delusional behaviour?

Now the wise among you will probably ask if something is missing in my relationship. Well yes I suppose there is. I have been with my partner for nearly 21 years. When my youngest was born 5 years ago our relationship went through a really bad patch which ended in DP having a one night stand (typically with a beautiful much younger woman). It affected me terribly and for about a year. I was on the fence as to whether to stay. In the subsequent 3 years we have both worked hard to create a new solid relationship. However now the tears and pain have subsided and I can see it objectively; there is a little part of the relationship that died.

The part that died is the ‘Disney’ part, the romantic notion of being ‘the perfect couple’, ‘the most beautiful woman in the word to him, ‘that he would never let me down', 'would never look twice at anyone else’. In reality life and relationships are not like this. We are human and we make mistakes. What I do have though is a very kind, caring, reliable partner. We get on well, we laugh, he is clever, handy, attractive, we have great sex, he is a fantastic hand on Dad. I love him.

I have tried to be objective about OOA. Yes he is massively tall and hunky, but he is not as' handsome as my OH'. He is older, bald, ginger (and grey), broken nose, a bit of a ‘mans man’ . He is not intellectual; he calls everyone ‘mate’ , but it still does not put me off.

He has never shown any interest in me whatsoever, we normally just joke about. He did ask if my hair was a different colour last – no, it’s just not wet with sweat and tied in a bun (we were going to a competition rather than class). I was cock a hoop that he had noticed something about me.

Why am I being such a sad stupid dick.

Piratesandpants Thu 21-Sep-17 17:26:22

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are really very objective in your description and understanding of the situation. And you haven't done anything wrong.
The crush WILL pass - but it may take some time. It happens to a lot of people. What do you want to do about your relationship?

Flippinflipflaps Thu 21-Sep-17 18:12:00

I want to stay with my partner. I can accept that our relationship isnt the same as it was, even with a piece missing, its worth having. I just can't cope with these feelings for OOA, they are just too intense and intrusive. If they carry on it is sure to have a negative affect on my connection with DP.

Blossomdeary Thu 21-Sep-17 18:19:37

It will run its course - I know it does not feel like that just now.

Fluffybrain Thu 21-Sep-17 18:20:00

Agree that the crush will pass. If it doesn't then distance yourself from the guy.
I used to get these crushes when I was with the wrong man. My needs were not being met.
You describe being viewed by a partner as 'the most beautiful woman in the world' and having a partner that will never let you down as a fantasy. It's not a fantasy. It is what you want out of a relationship and is valid. You are worthy of a man who can give you that. (By the way I don't think the crush guy can give you that...he's married) You are settling for less. You don't have to settle for less. It's making you unhappy. And fuelling your crush.

Flippinflipflaps Thu 21-Sep-17 18:52:19

My partner tells me I am the most beautiful person in the world and he will never hurt me or let me down again. I think part of me refuses to believe it to save from getting hurt. I never thought I would get past the pain of his infidelity, but it is going, perhaps the Disney part will return in time too.

It would be hard to distance from OOA, we live in a rural town and our hobby club is the only one in the area. I could stop, but it would be unfair to stop the children going due to my stupid infatuation.

Apileofballyhoo Thu 21-Sep-17 19:58:46

So your DP says you are the most beautiful... But does he make you feel like you are?

Flippinflipflaps Thu 21-Sep-17 22:45:46

He tries, but I think I refuse to allow myself to believe, if I was, why did he do it in the first place. Like I say I have hardened myself.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey Fri 22-Sep-17 00:30:26

people don't usually cheat because someone is 'more beautiful' - unless they are very shallow/vain by nature, or possibly very young. It's much more likely to have an experience of something (anything) different if the marriage is either problematic OR the sex is not good anymore. Often it's to feel powerful (as in flattered by someone's attention) or 'young again'.
None of this invalidates their partner, but I'd say usually does mean that things are lacking emotionally or sexually in the marriage - or at least they think that until they try their 'new experience'.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey Fri 22-Sep-17 00:31:51

I'm curious, Op, what is it that really attracts you to your crush?

Flippinflipflaps Fri 22-Sep-17 08:43:36

Love for, I would agree with what you say. My relationship was certainly lacking, we both felt it. I tried to raise the issues, he put his heaf in the sand and was ultimately the weakest link. Problem is, even though I know what you say is right, there is a little nagging voice that chips in from time to time saying "you were not good/pretty/sexy" enough.

As for what attracts me to OOA, on a very base level he is so 'masculine'. 6' 4" at least and muscular. The hobby I do is kick boxing - if I have outed myself please don't tell! I love doing it, itvgived me a huge buzz. I admire his prowess and skills, it makes me feel little and girlie. Its out of character. I strive for equality and work predominately with men. My relationship is on a very equal footing, apart from his ons. It's all very confusing.

Fluffybrain Fri 22-Sep-17 09:08:55

The nagging voice , "you were not good/pretty/sexy enough" is your main problem I think. It's the reason you looked up your crush's wife on Facebook. Looking to compare yourself to her like you compared yourself to the woman your husband cheated on you with. This is very common and I was the same. I had some therapy and this really helped.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey Fri 22-Sep-17 22:36:28

hmm I can see what you are saying, OP, but if you are all about equality then why 'pretty/sexy ' is your main criteria in pleasing your DH? There's nothing wrong with girly women who like macho men, but you need to decide what attracts you rather than what you SHOULD think. Did you find your H attractive during your so-so phase? Maybe you both are after trad roles (at least on sexual level, macho/feminine) but can't find that with each other?

LoveforPGTipsMonkey Fri 22-Sep-17 22:37:55

I mean lots of men are not after pretty/sexy, they like strong opinionated women, leaders if you like. Charles and Camilla spring to mind (Diana epitomy of pretty).

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: